Hello friends,
I am ashamed to say I am a blog sinner. I did not blog yesterday. But before you shoot my dogs, no wait..please shoot my dogs, k, now let me explain. I have dogs that are 1) currently licking powdered sugar off my shoe and 2) fascinated with the cord on the wireless router, so there are periods of time where I have no wireless. But I fixed it, no worries..and this blog WILL OVERCOMPENSATE!!
First of all, I want to tell you about timing AGAIN. Except, this time it was on my side. See, I went to visit my boyfriend yesterday because of my previous deady, debilitating, brain eating, cookie smashing head ache, I hadn't seen him in FOREVER. So I brought him his favorite pizza and went to visit. Well, I went home around 10, and I HATE driving on 66 alone in the dark. It's just me, my radio, and my windshield wipers that would probably more efficient if I just strapped my sister to the hood with a kleenex everytime it rained. It was raining last night; I was nervous. And just as I was about to cry..."DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'" came on Mix 103.3. Now, not only was a driving in the dark, in the rain, with windshield wipers that did more harm than good, but I now had my eyes closed belting "THE SMELL OF WINE AND CHEAP PERFUME!" After, "Don't Stop Believin," I thought life couldn't get any better. Boy was I wrong. "Vogue," by Madonna followed. Luckily, I was in town at this time. So I sat in my humid car and vogued..with my windows up...so needless to say I was dripping with sweat. And for some reason I kept my seat belt buckled, so instead of my "body" moving to the music, it was more like, "let your neck, head, and upper arms move to the music."
On the subject of music, I realized that there would be no need to psychiatrists if we just had IPODLOOKERAT-ERS. You see, every mental disorder could be diagnosed by looking at someone's Ipod. For example, one could easily tell that I am a manic depressive who has multiple personalities just by taking one of my ear buds while I am running. Don't quote me, but I am sure the hairy arm pitted, burly man who grunts everytime he does anything in the weight room (including changing the TV channel) does not have a playlist that reads, "Baby Got Back," "Coming Undone," "Pour Some Sugar On Me," "Hell on the Heart," and as a grand finale, "I'll Make Love To You." Yes, I finished my 5 miles run with a slow jam by BoyzIIMen (give or take a few roman numerals and capital letters).
Now for today, O WHAT A DAY! My civic duty for today was to GET FAT! I have a dog party tomorrow. A handful of 9 year old girls are sleeping on my floor and eating my beautiful dog cupcakes tomorrow night. So in order to prepare for these shinanigans, mother and I headed to Lima to get supplies. IHOP! Hells Bells!! I got a short stack of pancakes with apples and enough whipped cream to put every cow in northwest Ohio out of business. But that wasn't enough, I had to complete my fruit servings of the day by covering..no drowning..the AWESOMEcakes with blueberry and strawberry jelly. When we got home, it was ever so eventful. It was time to create black lab cupcakes. I went in the backyard and killed the neighbors dog and then put him in the cupcakes...lie..they were really chocolate cupcakes with tootsie rolls for ears, sixlets for eyes, and small chocolates for a nose. They looked like black la...chocolate cupcakes with tootsie rolls for ears, sixlets for eyes, and small chocolates for a nose...but they are delicious! If these small children do not appreciate my sweat, determination, and death by flour inhalation, I will take their little trainers' bras while they are sleeping and put them in the freezer!
You're probably wondering, well how did you get fat then. How did thee get fat? Let me count the ways...a short stack of AWESOMEcakes, 3 bottles of syrup, 3/4 bottle of Sixlets, 4 bread and butter pickles, a cupcake, a cookie, 1/2 lb of cookie dough, 2 tums (to fix the previous items), 14 licks from the froosting bowl, 2 chocolate twizzlers, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (had to have the protein), and some....drum roll please...HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS...I'll probably have about 11 more tums tonight and I'll run and run and run and run..and when the old man poops on the treadmill beside me...I'll run more!!
So to make up for my lack of blog yesterday, I am going to post my latest poem...it's not great...but it's what I do.
When I Became an Adult at 4:46 A.M.
Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
She makes sure I know this even through the
Static of preset station number three.
Abraham rolls over rumble strips that
Awake me to the concept of my mortality
Compacted between a speeding semi and a cemet wall.
Left turn into the industry of a nation in
Flag City, USA. But, I have to pass Waffle House
First and curb temptations for decaf coffee.
No one's shopping at 5:08 AM. Well, except for
Her. Cupcakes, Lays, yogurt, and prime cut meat.
Johnny's lunch and part of dad's dinner.
The cashier has a handicap, a left arm
That hooks above the hand,
So he fumbles with my Ibuprofen before it
Plumets into the plastic and rests besit peach water.
Three dollars and twelve cents. No one's shopping at five o' eight.
I walk into the parking lot alone - no man, no mace,
And there he is in a big blue Buick. Maybe a danger?
He could have me halfway to Tennessee before my room mate wakes up.
As the sun dances on the tired horizon,
Abraham slows into his spot in Lot C.
My head still hurts, but I am now and adult.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
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