Food Takes 24 Hours to Complete Its 30 Foot Path Through Your Body: Proof That Taco Bell is NOT Food

O hey,

Biggest Loser is officially making me fat. I am again glued to the screen, and I am again eating...mindlessly. Anyways, it's time for a blog. I want to use this blog to apologize for something that has been eating me alive. It is affecting my family and those around me. It's costing my family extra money. It is hurting the environment, and I am just tired of hiding it from everyone. I feel so ashamed for saying this, but you are the only people I trust. Here I go...please don't hate me....I'M THE ONE WHO USES THE EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF TOILET PAPER IN THE BATHROOM!!! phew..there..i said it. And it's not that I try to do this, I just pee ALL the time. Like I sincerely believe that I have a garden hose that runs from my throat to my..uhh..pee hole and God forgot to turn the spigot off when he made me. I once swallowed a raindrop and peed my pants. But no one I ever talk to seems to have problem with it, so I continue to urinate 54042894233450948 times an hour and hope no vital organs fall out. Because of this excessive urination, my father is forced to visit the dollar store approximately three times a day. That's every four waking hours on the hour...we'll just say Norm, the cashier, knows my dad by name.

So, along with my urination problem, I also have a problem with swallowing gum. That might be because I have a stomach that is always yelling, "GIVE ME SOMETHING TO TURN INTO ACID THAT I WILL PUSH BACK UP YOUR THROAT WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING!" My boyfriend doesn't understand how I do it, but I must buy the special gum with legs that walks down my throat. This normally isn't as big of a concern as my frequent urination. It only become a concern about every 3 weeks when the pieces of gum pass through the 30 feet of my body. This time, it was at Wal Mart. Everyime this happens, I want to call Double Bubble and tell them that half their manufactured product for the past month is floating in a toilet in Celina, Ohio. God Bless America!

By the way, I left about halfway through this blog to get a Oreo Cheesequake Blizzard. I told you Biggest Loser makes me hungry. Well today was buy one get one for a quarter, so I took my brother. The Dairy Queen was so crowded, it made New York Times look like the stands of a WNBA game. The Dairy Queen actually closed 27 minutes early (2 customers after us) because they were just so swamped. We waited a long while for our blizzards, so we got mediums instead of smalls for our wait. Normal people would be ecstatic..but I'm not normal...hello heartburn, goodbye healthy diet.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em