Wednesday, May 19, 2010

A Guy Walks Into The Psychiatrist's Office Wearing Only Glad Wrap Shorts. The Shrink Says, "Well, I Can Clearly See You're Nuts."

Hello my friends who actually still want to read after that pitiful excuse of a blog yesterday,

No worries, I am feeling better. I still don't feel 100% Emily, but I'll tell you what, that is a very hard thing to achieve..don't be too concerned. So remember how yesterday I mentioned timing? Well, I think that may be the theme for the week. You see, I get a viral infection, in the SUMMER (who in God's creation gets sick in the summer?) and have to miss 2 days in my second week of work. They almost shut down the universe because I was not there to construct sandwich masterpieces. I go to the doctor to get this life threatening (wasn't anywhere close, but Oprah has taught me that exaggerating makes a good story) illness treated and every choloric child is at the doctor getting his booster shot when I have a headache worse than the guy who was right beside the first atomic bomb to explode. Well, today, I thought timing was going to go my way. You see, my wonderful boyfriend bought me 2 yoga videos at garage sales because doing yoga will increase my tree-hugging status closer to its peak. However, yoga is the type of thing you have to do alone...especially at my house...along with shaving your legs. I have to shave my legs sitting down when I am at home. I had an accident once that involved a fallen shower curtain, a broken spigot, and a shampoo covered wall, so I try to avoid shaving while standing at all cost. At my house, if you can't hear the shower running, it's totally fair game to just stroll right in, so it's best I shave my legs when I know I am alone.

So I am alone, at my house, laying on my homemade yoga mat (it's a folded up Roughrider blanket..I work a minimum wage job..cut me some slack) and I pop in "Wai Lana's Yoga for Beginners." Wai Lana was an amazing instructor and made it look so easy, but let's just say I wai lana more than the 65 pound Wai Lana, and I am about 10 inches longer. So anytime she said, "pull your chin to your knee while letting out a slow exhale," her 6ft giant translation meant, "tear every ligament in your leg while letting out a grunt of pain." But I was alone, and I was finding my inner self...until...some CENSUS WORKER KNOCKED ON THE DOOR. I wouldn't have been mad if my dogs wouldn't have went crazier than a pre-teen who just found out Taylor Swift was her sister. Pebbles, my woodle (weiner dog and poodle..I don't know if that is scientific but it sounds cool) thought it would be a beautiful idea to leap from the door to the dining room to the front door. She is roughly the size of a telephone book, so her leap fell quite short..and by quite short..I mean right on my face, and Wai Lana just kept on talking. So I am trying to grab my right ankle, while stretching my left leg, while trying to breath through a stinky dog's abdomen, and attempting to write my name in cursive with my right hand...I will not let yoga defeat me..I will perservere...I didn't answer the door..I hope the census worker thinks we are all dead and NEVER EVER comes again.

Intersting observation: I miss being little. I miss it because I miss being able to wear whatever I want whenever I want. Today while picking up nipple knower at elementary school, I saw a young boy wearing WWE wrestling swim trunks and a polo. 1) I thanked God I didn't wear my UFC swim trunks and my polo that day like I wanted to because it would have been a close embarassing match and 2) I will devote a day of the week to wear what I want when I want (but I feel I already used it this week by being so ill that I couldn't shower for like 54 hours..WOOO)

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

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