I Found A Mosquito In My Messy Bun...Am I A Skank?

Hello Friends,

I'm blogstipated. I didn't blog for too long...TOO LONG...I will apologize again, even though my apologies are worth about as much as 2 pesos in Donald Trump's buttcrack. Let's talk now. Wait..I will eat a bowl a cereal...then we will talk.

Anyways, I have no excuse for my lack of blogging. I have just been writing for the newspaper, reading about writing a novel, trying to write a novel, constructing subs of greatness, attempting to work out daily, and trying to build a giant Q-tip that can clog the hole that is spilling all that dang oil in the gulf, so I have been a tiny bit tired.

I want to talk to you today about flies on poop. I saw it, like legit, for the first time in my life yesterday. I have had dogs my whole life, but I have NEVER had a dog that could drop a load like Lily (who is a golden retriever/lab/something else that we don't know because her mom is the dog version of a Vegas prostitute..she gives favors for male dogs who bring her treats). KIDDING..BACK TO PG...So, I am walking out to my car, and I see the Mount Everest of Dog Poo sitting outside. First, I gagged. Then, I high fived Lily on the fact that she was still live because I honestly thought her digestive system had become a new lawn ornament. Then, I had an ephiphany. Flies on dog poop is the MOST DISGUSTING SIMILIE IN THE WORLD. The next time someone says, "Man you were on that like flies on dog poop," I am going to say, "FLIES HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING ON DOG POOP!" They were swarming around this poo the way my brother hangs around the dessert table at the Golden Corral. I couldn't take it anymore, so I ran it over with my car. Now before you judge me, let me first tell you that the fly gods already punished me, so I don't need your judgment. The fly gods punished me by making my car smell like a rolling corn field that was just freshly fertilized. It did override the smell of Subway when I got off work though...

I believe that I will never ever achieve greatness in life. My calling in life is to be a competitve eater. I know this for a fact. I was watching Man vs. Food yesterday and realized that, with the right amoung of Tums on hand, I could complete the majority of the challenges his faces. However, my show would be called WOMAN VS. GARDEN...I would eat an immense amount vegetables...Now you're thinking, "Well if she is so good at it, why will she never achieve greatness?" I'M SCARED TO THROW UP!!! O my goodness...I ate one too many marshamellows yesterday, and I freaked out because I was feeling a bit too bloated. Then I burped, I was ok. Long story short, I have the ability to achieve greatness...but my fear of acidic stinkiness will keep me from ever reaching my full potential.....I'm sorry mom and dad.

BOOOOOO I'm tired.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em