O hey guys,
Long time no speak! Miss me? That's ok...neither do my dogs when I go to school. Anyways, this blog is going to be of a different format. The beginning will be normal....but the second half will be a bit deeper (more serious Emily), so I understand if you want to quit reading after the lighter half...because the second half may be the equivalent of seeing your mom naked (you probably won't look at me the same after you read it).
So I think I have a disease. I diagnosed myself with KMMPS. It's a horrible disease that interferes with my everyday life. It especially ruins my grocery shopping time. KMMPS is short for, "Kroger Makes Me Poop Syndrome." You see, I will be minding my own business, looking at frozen vegan dinners, and WAM BAM UNCLE SAM..my intestines feel like they are going to explode all over Aisle 8 (thank goodness the toilet paper aisle is right beside the frozen dinner aisle). For a normal human being, this wouldn't be a giant problem...but I also suffer from PBSTHOOMS. "Public Bathrooms Scare The Heck Out Of Me Syndrome," causes me to break out into a cold sweat and sing random show tunes so using the bathroom at Kroger is NOT an option.
Because of this, I can't even pick out my dang meal..I just sprint to produce and grab a sweet potato. Then, I do self check out and book it to my car. Here, the pain begins. You know that feeling when you wait until the LAST possible minute to relieve yourself? Well, I deal with that for about 4.5 minutes because the traffic gods set up the most ANNOYING 3 lights in all of St. Marys on the road to my house. All that stands between me and porcelain relief are traffic lights that are timed so that you must stop at every one of them. I know someone up there is getting a real kick out of watching me have poop trembles at every light. There is, however, always a fitting song on the radio during my misery. Today, it was "Jesus Take the Wheel." Fitting.."Jesus take the wheel. Take if from my hands 'cuz I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go" because I need to hold my pants! God Bless America.
SPOILER ALERT: I'm bout to get surious!!
Life has been sooo turbulent for me the past 2 years or so. I wouldn't trade a second of it for anything because every laugh, every relationship (or lack there of), every tear, and every Marbeck meal (k not TOTALLY serious) has made me the person I am today. Most of you who read this probably know me life you know a Babe Ruth candy bar. I look DELICIOUS and fairly normal on the outside..but inside..I'm NUTS! Basically what I am trying to say is even if you don't think you had an impact on me...you did. And I may not be perfect, I understand that now more than ever, but I'm Emily Eileen Shellabarger. And there isn't a darn person who can be Emily Eileen Shellabarger better! (except for maybe my sister..she does GREAT impressions). I just love you...that's all.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Would you like to share my toasted cheese?
Holla,
I worked today...for the first time in 3 days. O Subway, I missed thee. However, I do have a bit of venting to do. I would like to vent about the patrons I would like to call "Picky, Picky Princesses." Don't get me wrong, I respect and appreciate people who can't stand sauces or lettuce or peppers (I HATE MAYO...if Satan bathes, he uses mayo for soap). These are not the people I am addressing. PPP's are people who think that they deserve the GREATEST veggies on Earth...veggies that grow in the buttcrack of sunshine. I NEVER put pickle or banana pepper butts onto subs, I always toss brown lettuce, and I never use a green tomato...so DON'T YOU DARE criticize the vegetables I do use.
So the most Picky, Picky Princess of them all came in tonight; she is a frequent customer, so I thought I was prepared. Well it turns out she was deemed the Queen of Pickiness before she came in, so she was in rare form tonight. "Your tomatoes look skinny; I think you should get out different ones." "You really skimp on the onions." "Keep the sub on the paper, so I get the vegetables that you dropped off my sub."
OKAY!! First of all, SOMEONE HAS TO GET THE SKINNY TOMATOES!! And sorry mam, today it's you..They taste EXACTLY the same. I'll give you 6 instead of 5..RELAX!! O my bad, I forgot the 11th Commandment was, "Thou shalt not put skinny tomatoes on a sub."
Secondly, I did not SKIMP on your onions. I put the amount I was supposed to! If you would have said "EXTRA", it would have been skimpy. BUT NOOOOO, you were so busy worrying about the "skinny tomatoes" that you forgot to say "EXTRA." "O, OK, you want more onions...HERE is enough onions to fill the void in your heart that causes you to come in and terrorize me!"
Thirdly, if you would have just let me put the "skinny tomatoes" on...your other veggies wouldn't have fallen off :)
I am more than willing to make your sub eating experience comparable to the joy you will feel on your wedding day, but it kind of tickles my pickles when you try to tell me how to do my job. I am the certified sandwich artist..you, Picky Picky Princesses, are simply tomato hating, onion judging, stingymonsters. So if you think I'm being stingy, buy a pig, grow a garden, kill the pig, pick the veggies, watch Jeopardy (that's just a good show), milk a cow full of honey mustard (they make those you know?), mug Aunt Millie, and MAKE YOUR OWN SUB!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
I worked today...for the first time in 3 days. O Subway, I missed thee. However, I do have a bit of venting to do. I would like to vent about the patrons I would like to call "Picky, Picky Princesses." Don't get me wrong, I respect and appreciate people who can't stand sauces or lettuce or peppers (I HATE MAYO...if Satan bathes, he uses mayo for soap). These are not the people I am addressing. PPP's are people who think that they deserve the GREATEST veggies on Earth...veggies that grow in the buttcrack of sunshine. I NEVER put pickle or banana pepper butts onto subs, I always toss brown lettuce, and I never use a green tomato...so DON'T YOU DARE criticize the vegetables I do use.
So the most Picky, Picky Princess of them all came in tonight; she is a frequent customer, so I thought I was prepared. Well it turns out she was deemed the Queen of Pickiness before she came in, so she was in rare form tonight. "Your tomatoes look skinny; I think you should get out different ones." "You really skimp on the onions." "Keep the sub on the paper, so I get the vegetables that you dropped off my sub."
OKAY!! First of all, SOMEONE HAS TO GET THE SKINNY TOMATOES!! And sorry mam, today it's you..They taste EXACTLY the same. I'll give you 6 instead of 5..RELAX!! O my bad, I forgot the 11th Commandment was, "Thou shalt not put skinny tomatoes on a sub."
Secondly, I did not SKIMP on your onions. I put the amount I was supposed to! If you would have said "EXTRA", it would have been skimpy. BUT NOOOOO, you were so busy worrying about the "skinny tomatoes" that you forgot to say "EXTRA." "O, OK, you want more onions...HERE is enough onions to fill the void in your heart that causes you to come in and terrorize me!"
Thirdly, if you would have just let me put the "skinny tomatoes" on...your other veggies wouldn't have fallen off :)
I am more than willing to make your sub eating experience comparable to the joy you will feel on your wedding day, but it kind of tickles my pickles when you try to tell me how to do my job. I am the certified sandwich artist..you, Picky Picky Princesses, are simply tomato hating, onion judging, stingymonsters. So if you think I'm being stingy, buy a pig, grow a garden, kill the pig, pick the veggies, watch Jeopardy (that's just a good show), milk a cow full of honey mustard (they make those you know?), mug Aunt Millie, and MAKE YOUR OWN SUB!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Monday, August 2, 2010
Jenny...The Becoming of a Woman
Friends, Relatives, Kidney Stones, and Colin,
Good news...Jenny is now wearing a bra! Why is this good news you ask...well, it means that I have an eye patch in case I sustain a serious eye injury at home or want to dress up as a pirate for Halloween. It basically looks like two Mcdonalds napkins held together by floss. If I wore it, I would have two black eyes and ten times less dignity, but it's really special to her. It also gives me one more object to grab on to when she is about to get hit by a car in the parking lot of Kroger...I think it really hurts her when I grab her ponytail.
I don't know if I have ever told you, but I LOVE SWEET POTATOES..tos..toes..who knows? I love them for a variety of reasons...1) they are orange..orange vegetables are like little bits of sunshine (I love carrots too!)...2) they are cheap. ONE DOLLAR with my KROGER PLUS CARD!!...3) my brother hates them...so I know they will always be waiting patiently for me on the counter and 4) I CAN SALT THEM. I have developed this odd obsession with salt lately. I literally have a salt shaker in my room....I keep it in my chair. It fell down the cushion yesterday, and I had a small panic attack because I thought it was gone forever. I salt my potatoes..I salt my lean pockets..I salt my grilled cheese...I salt my pajamas...hell I salt my extra salted popcorn! It's probably unhealthy, but so is smoking..and I don't smoke..so I have the slack to salt my salt!
I am entering my last two weeks of Subway...at least of fairly constant work at Subway. For those of you who haven't had a small bite of Heaven, you may want to stop by before the thirteenth (my last day). For those of you who won't be able to stop by or don't live close enough to come to my Subway, I would like to give you rules that you must always hold your sandwich artist to:
1) The cheese slices are friends, not lovers. They should be close to each other...but not so close they overlap. There is NO NEED for an extra cheesy bite in the middle, but no cheese at the ends.
2) For those of you who are vegetarians, the lettuce IS THE MEAT of our subs. That means 2 tablespoons of lettuce does NOT cut it...demand what you deserve!!
3) Jalapenos should NEVER be stacked. Who wants their bumwhole to burn when they digest a double jalapenoed bite?
4) Sauce should be distributed from end to end. Lazy stripes mean bland bites. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!! MAYO!!
and most importantly.............
5) Extra means extra. If the artist puts too much on, you can always pick it off. However, very few people have a head of lettuce in their pocket to add more if there is not enough (I carry beets, not lettuce).
Just remember..you are paying 5 dollars...you deserve nothing less than the best.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Good news...Jenny is now wearing a bra! Why is this good news you ask...well, it means that I have an eye patch in case I sustain a serious eye injury at home or want to dress up as a pirate for Halloween. It basically looks like two Mcdonalds napkins held together by floss. If I wore it, I would have two black eyes and ten times less dignity, but it's really special to her. It also gives me one more object to grab on to when she is about to get hit by a car in the parking lot of Kroger...I think it really hurts her when I grab her ponytail.
I don't know if I have ever told you, but I LOVE SWEET POTATOES..tos..toes..who knows? I love them for a variety of reasons...1) they are orange..orange vegetables are like little bits of sunshine (I love carrots too!)...2) they are cheap. ONE DOLLAR with my KROGER PLUS CARD!!...3) my brother hates them...so I know they will always be waiting patiently for me on the counter and 4) I CAN SALT THEM. I have developed this odd obsession with salt lately. I literally have a salt shaker in my room....I keep it in my chair. It fell down the cushion yesterday, and I had a small panic attack because I thought it was gone forever. I salt my potatoes..I salt my lean pockets..I salt my grilled cheese...I salt my pajamas...hell I salt my extra salted popcorn! It's probably unhealthy, but so is smoking..and I don't smoke..so I have the slack to salt my salt!
I am entering my last two weeks of Subway...at least of fairly constant work at Subway. For those of you who haven't had a small bite of Heaven, you may want to stop by before the thirteenth (my last day). For those of you who won't be able to stop by or don't live close enough to come to my Subway, I would like to give you rules that you must always hold your sandwich artist to:
1) The cheese slices are friends, not lovers. They should be close to each other...but not so close they overlap. There is NO NEED for an extra cheesy bite in the middle, but no cheese at the ends.
2) For those of you who are vegetarians, the lettuce IS THE MEAT of our subs. That means 2 tablespoons of lettuce does NOT cut it...demand what you deserve!!
3) Jalapenos should NEVER be stacked. Who wants their bumwhole to burn when they digest a double jalapenoed bite?
4) Sauce should be distributed from end to end. Lazy stripes mean bland bites. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!! MAYO!!
and most importantly.............
5) Extra means extra. If the artist puts too much on, you can always pick it off. However, very few people have a head of lettuce in their pocket to add more if there is not enough (I carry beets, not lettuce).
Just remember..you are paying 5 dollars...you deserve nothing less than the best.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Everyone who is not ME, KERRI, BRENDA, or...DANIELLE..i think..are NOT champions!
Hello NON champions,
Today, I put my basketball shoes back on. It was liberating. Basketball and I have an odd relationship. We broke up around October, but I am still madly in love with it. However, it hurts me. It hurts my joints and my schedule...so we just can't make it work. BUT, I still get to do Gus Mackers sooooo we're kind of "friends with benefits" you could say.
Anyways...we played in a Gus Macker today. We being Kerri Imwalle, a friend from high school, Brenda, and Danielle (2 of Kerri's friends..I didn't know their names til the third game). For those of you who don't know what Gus Mackers are, I will give a brief explanation. They are basketball tournaments where all bets are off basically. No blood, no foul...unless you call it. Which when it comes to women, becomes the SCARIEST part of the tournament. Men are all like, "ME MAN. ME HAVE PRIDE. ME NO CALL FOULS!" Women are like, "I am a civilized individual and this girl just graced my nipple..FOUL!"
We played four games. The first game was against a bunch of fairly older women. I think half of them were going through menopause. Not because they looked old, but because they were CRANKY! O but we beat them...then they went back to the nursing home...KIDDING..I think they were just getting lunch. The next team turned the crankiness up 500. Think of your mom in the morning..now picture yourself dropping your whole box of Honey Bunches of Oats on the floor...now think of your mom coming down stairs into the kitchen just in time to see you sweeping all the cereal into the basement because you're too lazy to get the dust pan out...that's how cranky this team was. Not only were they cranky, but they were TATT TATT TATTED UP! I'm glad I made it out alive...and with a victory.
The third team was a breath of fresh air. They had school buses on their shirts...I think I missed the joke. This game was AMAZING because it was POURING down rain. As a matter of fact, I was knocked into a giant puddle at one point, and I began to yell, "BEACHED WHALE! BEACHED WHALE!" And did I mention...these girls were sophomores in high school? No one signed up for their age bracket...so they got the priveledge of being spanked by our awesomeness.
The only fun thing about the last team...we beat them. They were tattooless...normal looking...no anger management issues..they all had hair long enough for ponytails...and they were our age...BORING. But we won..OOO..and we got the sportsmanship award. I think that was because I didn't punch the 45 year old woman in the face after she ripped off 3/4 of the skin on my right arm.
At Subway the other day, a man asked for a breakfast sub. I responded, "Would you like me to put egg white or egg whole on it?" He heard, "Would you like egg whites or my 'A' hole on it?" Even though he asked...my 'A' whole was not put on his sub.
O..and at the Dollar Tree yesterday...I was asked if I was a boy or a girl by a NOT CUTE child...I'm a girl...in case you guys were confused.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Today, I put my basketball shoes back on. It was liberating. Basketball and I have an odd relationship. We broke up around October, but I am still madly in love with it. However, it hurts me. It hurts my joints and my schedule...so we just can't make it work. BUT, I still get to do Gus Mackers sooooo we're kind of "friends with benefits" you could say.
Anyways...we played in a Gus Macker today. We being Kerri Imwalle, a friend from high school, Brenda, and Danielle (2 of Kerri's friends..I didn't know their names til the third game). For those of you who don't know what Gus Mackers are, I will give a brief explanation. They are basketball tournaments where all bets are off basically. No blood, no foul...unless you call it. Which when it comes to women, becomes the SCARIEST part of the tournament. Men are all like, "ME MAN. ME HAVE PRIDE. ME NO CALL FOULS!" Women are like, "I am a civilized individual and this girl just graced my nipple..FOUL!"
We played four games. The first game was against a bunch of fairly older women. I think half of them were going through menopause. Not because they looked old, but because they were CRANKY! O but we beat them...then they went back to the nursing home...KIDDING..I think they were just getting lunch. The next team turned the crankiness up 500. Think of your mom in the morning..now picture yourself dropping your whole box of Honey Bunches of Oats on the floor...now think of your mom coming down stairs into the kitchen just in time to see you sweeping all the cereal into the basement because you're too lazy to get the dust pan out...that's how cranky this team was. Not only were they cranky, but they were TATT TATT TATTED UP! I'm glad I made it out alive...and with a victory.
The third team was a breath of fresh air. They had school buses on their shirts...I think I missed the joke. This game was AMAZING because it was POURING down rain. As a matter of fact, I was knocked into a giant puddle at one point, and I began to yell, "BEACHED WHALE! BEACHED WHALE!" And did I mention...these girls were sophomores in high school? No one signed up for their age bracket...so they got the priveledge of being spanked by our awesomeness.
The only fun thing about the last team...we beat them. They were tattooless...normal looking...no anger management issues..they all had hair long enough for ponytails...and they were our age...BORING. But we won..OOO..and we got the sportsmanship award. I think that was because I didn't punch the 45 year old woman in the face after she ripped off 3/4 of the skin on my right arm.
At Subway the other day, a man asked for a breakfast sub. I responded, "Would you like me to put egg white or egg whole on it?" He heard, "Would you like egg whites or my 'A' hole on it?" Even though he asked...my 'A' whole was not put on his sub.
O..and at the Dollar Tree yesterday...I was asked if I was a boy or a girl by a NOT CUTE child...I'm a girl...in case you guys were confused.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Sunday, July 25, 2010
"He will probably die a lonely man" THE Jenny Shellabarger
O hey guys!
Soooo today was absolutely splendid. First of all, I need to tell you that Moccasin (my fish) is currently doing the electric slide in his tank. I'm not joking...I think he is hungry. Anyways, I didn't work today which is much more depressing than it sounds. You see, I have found my place in this world. Subway, yes Subway, is my place in this world. I am surrounded by vegetables (and some meat..BLAHHH can't have everything) and cookies. I can talk to myself as a please, and I get to make children both happy and healthy (well except for the little girl who wants a footlong white bread with marinara and mayo..God Bless America).
We went to grandma's today. Grandma is my hero. We made her supper, and I went grocery shopping for her. Aside from her chronic pain and her bladder that is as unreliable as my dad's car (the trunk is held shut by a bungee cord..the car's trunk, not grandma's...grandma's is held shut with an adult diaper), she makes me want to get old. Why do you ask? Well, one look at her shopping list will tell us. Here it is folks, word for word:
1) 2 Plums
2) All Beef Hotdogs (MUST BE ALL BEEF)
3) Cookies
4) Gravy (the microwave kind from Bob Evans)
QUICK SIDENOTE: SWINGERS ON TLC...WAAAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!
5) Red Baron Single Slice Pizza
6) Cookies
7) Trashbags
8) Potato Skin Chips
That, my friends, will last her for a week. And yes, we did buy 2 boxes of cookies (1 oreo 1 Pecan Shortbread). Do you see any vegetables (2 plums..all week!), any bread, and ANY NUTRITIOUS FOOD AT ALL?!?! This is the woman who also has 36 Milky Ways in her fridge...hello menopause..I'm ready when you are!
When we returned, my sister had her rollerblades on. Grandma had given her the beautiful suggestion that we should let her hold a string and be pulled by her $1000 Hover Round that had never been used. I jumped at the oppurtunity. Picture this..I am sitting in a Hover Round (which is obviously set at the fastest setting) pulling my sister who is holding on to a piece of yellow yarn tied to the chair. She was having a blast and giggling like a toddler with a kitten............until I decided to off-road. I not only drove the Hover Round through grandma's backyard, but I decided to drive it through the alley as well (the alley that is full of stones...the kryptonite to roller blades).
Grandma knew she was going to have to pee in like a half hour, so we decided it was time to start heading in (we were in her driveway). While grandma was relieving herself, Eric, Jenny, and I decided to gang up on dad. It started with Eric pulling dad's arm hairs (one of my favorite past times). Then, I performed Nipple Annhilation (a titty twister from hell). Dad, however, countered that with a painful snake bite (don't call children's services..he's not that strong), and while he was distracted, Eric went for the grand finale. AN ATOMIC WEDGIE. Just to add insult to injury, I gave dad a Wet Willy while he was trying to make his bum and underwear 2 seperate items again. All the while, grandma was yelling at us to "quick pickin on your dad. he's a nice man." Thanks grandma.....but you take a snake bit from him and tell me how you feel!
I decided I wanted to go to clown school today. It's a 30 week course and costs $1500, so I am going to have to make a decision...Grad school..or clown school...opinions would be appreciated. However, I was trying to find my clown niche today, and I discovered one of the most exciting things to do. It was more fun than jump roping on a rainbow (I've done it). I decided that maybe I should juggle cotton balls as a clown...really..I was taking a poo on the toilet and was curious if I could juggle cotton balls...cotton balls are kind of light though, so I got it wet to see it that would make it easier. Instead of juggling them, I decided to chuck them at the shower wall. OMGshness....Go to your bathroom right now and throw wet cotton balls at the shower wall. You can thank me later.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Soooo today was absolutely splendid. First of all, I need to tell you that Moccasin (my fish) is currently doing the electric slide in his tank. I'm not joking...I think he is hungry. Anyways, I didn't work today which is much more depressing than it sounds. You see, I have found my place in this world. Subway, yes Subway, is my place in this world. I am surrounded by vegetables (and some meat..BLAHHH can't have everything) and cookies. I can talk to myself as a please, and I get to make children both happy and healthy (well except for the little girl who wants a footlong white bread with marinara and mayo..God Bless America).
We went to grandma's today. Grandma is my hero. We made her supper, and I went grocery shopping for her. Aside from her chronic pain and her bladder that is as unreliable as my dad's car (the trunk is held shut by a bungee cord..the car's trunk, not grandma's...grandma's is held shut with an adult diaper), she makes me want to get old. Why do you ask? Well, one look at her shopping list will tell us. Here it is folks, word for word:
1) 2 Plums
2) All Beef Hotdogs (MUST BE ALL BEEF)
3) Cookies
4) Gravy (the microwave kind from Bob Evans)
QUICK SIDENOTE: SWINGERS ON TLC...WAAAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!
5) Red Baron Single Slice Pizza
6) Cookies
7) Trashbags
8) Potato Skin Chips
That, my friends, will last her for a week. And yes, we did buy 2 boxes of cookies (1 oreo 1 Pecan Shortbread). Do you see any vegetables (2 plums..all week!), any bread, and ANY NUTRITIOUS FOOD AT ALL?!?! This is the woman who also has 36 Milky Ways in her fridge...hello menopause..I'm ready when you are!
When we returned, my sister had her rollerblades on. Grandma had given her the beautiful suggestion that we should let her hold a string and be pulled by her $1000 Hover Round that had never been used. I jumped at the oppurtunity. Picture this..I am sitting in a Hover Round (which is obviously set at the fastest setting) pulling my sister who is holding on to a piece of yellow yarn tied to the chair. She was having a blast and giggling like a toddler with a kitten............until I decided to off-road. I not only drove the Hover Round through grandma's backyard, but I decided to drive it through the alley as well (the alley that is full of stones...the kryptonite to roller blades).
Grandma knew she was going to have to pee in like a half hour, so we decided it was time to start heading in (we were in her driveway). While grandma was relieving herself, Eric, Jenny, and I decided to gang up on dad. It started with Eric pulling dad's arm hairs (one of my favorite past times). Then, I performed Nipple Annhilation (a titty twister from hell). Dad, however, countered that with a painful snake bite (don't call children's services..he's not that strong), and while he was distracted, Eric went for the grand finale. AN ATOMIC WEDGIE. Just to add insult to injury, I gave dad a Wet Willy while he was trying to make his bum and underwear 2 seperate items again. All the while, grandma was yelling at us to "quick pickin on your dad. he's a nice man." Thanks grandma.....but you take a snake bit from him and tell me how you feel!
I decided I wanted to go to clown school today. It's a 30 week course and costs $1500, so I am going to have to make a decision...Grad school..or clown school...opinions would be appreciated. However, I was trying to find my clown niche today, and I discovered one of the most exciting things to do. It was more fun than jump roping on a rainbow (I've done it). I decided that maybe I should juggle cotton balls as a clown...really..I was taking a poo on the toilet and was curious if I could juggle cotton balls...cotton balls are kind of light though, so I got it wet to see it that would make it easier. Instead of juggling them, I decided to chuck them at the shower wall. OMGshness....Go to your bathroom right now and throw wet cotton balls at the shower wall. You can thank me later.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Life's About Finishing A Box of Jujyfruits at 11:30 PM
hi, o hey, wassup, HOLLA,
What are you doing here? I'm just reading a blog; what are YOU doing here? I'm writing a blog; no one asked you to come. Why wasn't I invited?
Gosh, I wish I was schizophrenic. Now before you go thinking, "That's horrible! Some people are actually schizophrenic and would love to be like you," let me finish. I wish I was schizophrenic for your sake. You see, I feel like when Emily was getting annoying...Tina and Marge (the other 2 personalities) would make sure she knew. Therefore, you would have all the entertainment of Emily minus the excessive elements that get annoying. Perfect right? Now does anyone know where I can get schizophrenia?
Anyways, in terms of real life, today was SLOOOOOWWWWW, slow like Queen Latifah on a moped. I woke up at 7:30 because I have "I can't sleep past 8 syndrome." I ate 1 cup of Honey Bunches of Oats (I have a complex), and I checked all the important sites (facebook, aol, my email, shirt.woot.com, and teefury). Once I realized no one was engaged (facebook), Lindsay Lohan made it through her strip search in jail (aol), Coldstone has 3 new summer flavors (my email), and I won't be getting a new shirt in 2 weeks (shirt.woot and teefury), I realized there is no purpose whatsoever to being awake. So, I cheated my syndrome and WENT BACK TO BED at 8:30. I dreamt i was on a soccer team with Colin and Kelly Ripa (Regis and Kelly was on TV when I woke up) and drooled all over my pillow....I either have a crush on Colin or Kelly Ripa (or maybe both).
In the afternoon, I got a Pecan Pie Blizzard. If angels can poop, I'm sure they poop out Pecan Pie Blizzards. If angels can't poop, I feel really sorry for them because a good poop can really make your day. Anyways, this blizzard was vanilla ice cream mixed with caramel sauce. That, my friends, is perfection in itself. The Dairy Queen employer (who should be knighted because this was so delicious) then puts pecans and little pieces of graham cracker crust into the frozen mass of caramel delight. So I ate this blizzard, then sat in my huge pile of guilt on the way home..HELLO FUPA...here I come!!
Colin and I went to a Locos game tonight. Lima, Ohio, is such a beautiful place. I saw a man wearing a baseball helmet (he was 65 and NOT on the team), a very boisterous man with a very fluffy beard and a bucket o' beer, and a woman who claimed to be selling $0.50 ice cream from her van that continuously played the "OOMPA LOOMPA" song. God Bless America.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
What are you doing here? I'm just reading a blog; what are YOU doing here? I'm writing a blog; no one asked you to come. Why wasn't I invited?
Gosh, I wish I was schizophrenic. Now before you go thinking, "That's horrible! Some people are actually schizophrenic and would love to be like you," let me finish. I wish I was schizophrenic for your sake. You see, I feel like when Emily was getting annoying...Tina and Marge (the other 2 personalities) would make sure she knew. Therefore, you would have all the entertainment of Emily minus the excessive elements that get annoying. Perfect right? Now does anyone know where I can get schizophrenia?
Anyways, in terms of real life, today was SLOOOOOWWWWW, slow like Queen Latifah on a moped. I woke up at 7:30 because I have "I can't sleep past 8 syndrome." I ate 1 cup of Honey Bunches of Oats (I have a complex), and I checked all the important sites (facebook, aol, my email, shirt.woot.com, and teefury). Once I realized no one was engaged (facebook), Lindsay Lohan made it through her strip search in jail (aol), Coldstone has 3 new summer flavors (my email), and I won't be getting a new shirt in 2 weeks (shirt.woot and teefury), I realized there is no purpose whatsoever to being awake. So, I cheated my syndrome and WENT BACK TO BED at 8:30. I dreamt i was on a soccer team with Colin and Kelly Ripa (Regis and Kelly was on TV when I woke up) and drooled all over my pillow....I either have a crush on Colin or Kelly Ripa (or maybe both).
In the afternoon, I got a Pecan Pie Blizzard. If angels can poop, I'm sure they poop out Pecan Pie Blizzards. If angels can't poop, I feel really sorry for them because a good poop can really make your day. Anyways, this blizzard was vanilla ice cream mixed with caramel sauce. That, my friends, is perfection in itself. The Dairy Queen employer (who should be knighted because this was so delicious) then puts pecans and little pieces of graham cracker crust into the frozen mass of caramel delight. So I ate this blizzard, then sat in my huge pile of guilt on the way home..HELLO FUPA...here I come!!
Colin and I went to a Locos game tonight. Lima, Ohio, is such a beautiful place. I saw a man wearing a baseball helmet (he was 65 and NOT on the team), a very boisterous man with a very fluffy beard and a bucket o' beer, and a woman who claimed to be selling $0.50 ice cream from her van that continuously played the "OOMPA LOOMPA" song. God Bless America.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
"I love these things."
Mammals who are capable of reading,
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!!! I'm blogging. You know what? I can't keep a bloody promise to save my life, so NO MORE PROMISES!
Anyways, I have been exceptionally busy this summer. I love me some sub making, so that really takes up the majority of my time. The good news for you..sub making creates quite entertaining stories. I have come to be what you may call "A Sub Master." This means I construct subs of excellence and beauty. However, like Tiger Woods and BP, I mess up occassionally. The good news is...people can only find out about my screw ups through my blog instead of Good Morning America and The New York Times.
Yesterday, Sarah and I were painfully busy...like busier than the showers in the ladies locker room at the Y after water aerobics. Therefore, we ran out of white bread. We had also been out of the new italian sausage for a few days because it was such a hot seller. A man came in and wanted italian bread. After we crushed his spirits by telling him we were out of his "normal bread," he asked for the italian sausage. "EXCUSE ME SIR..could you be more difficult?!?!" I thought he was going to shed a few tears, but he finally decided upon tuna......about that...Sarah says, "Emily, can you get me some tuna?" "Sure Sarah, I'll just grab it out of the...." TINA TURNER! There is none prepared in the cooler.
HAVE NO FEAR..EMILY THE SUB MASTER IS HERE...I decide this is my moment to shine. I dive into the cooler and grab the tuna pouch. I then proceed to frantically cover it in mayo, glove my hands, and delve my fingers into the gooey mass. In my intense tuna mixing, I seemed to cover the wall, the table, my face, the pens, my apron, and even the calculator in tuna. The kitchen looked like someone threw the Little Mermaid and a bunch of mayo into a blender without a lid. As sweat dripped from my brow and I grabbed a small container to rush the tuna of excellence to the front, I hear Sarah wrapping the sub......."O..sorry Emily...I made the tuna we had in the front work when I heard you grabbing all the stuff to make it." "That's fine Sarah, but you can come to my house tonight and wash the tuna from my hair and sports bra."
I do love my Subway though, and I have started to develop "The Subway/English Dictionary," which translates customer requests into real English..here are a few I have so far:
-"Brown Bread": Wheat Bread
-"Spicy Hot Cheese": Pepperjack cheese
-"9 Grain White Cheese Bread": I have never been to Subway before so I won't even notice what kind of bread you give me
-"Red Sauce": Marinara sauce (NOT HOT SAUCE..they will come back in 10 minutes later with a sub with 1 bite taken out of it to remind you of this)
-"Purple Pepper": Red Onions and Peppers
-"Dem Peppers that aint gonna make my eyes water": Banana peppers
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!!! I'm blogging. You know what? I can't keep a bloody promise to save my life, so NO MORE PROMISES!
Anyways, I have been exceptionally busy this summer. I love me some sub making, so that really takes up the majority of my time. The good news for you..sub making creates quite entertaining stories. I have come to be what you may call "A Sub Master." This means I construct subs of excellence and beauty. However, like Tiger Woods and BP, I mess up occassionally. The good news is...people can only find out about my screw ups through my blog instead of Good Morning America and The New York Times.
Yesterday, Sarah and I were painfully busy...like busier than the showers in the ladies locker room at the Y after water aerobics. Therefore, we ran out of white bread. We had also been out of the new italian sausage for a few days because it was such a hot seller. A man came in and wanted italian bread. After we crushed his spirits by telling him we were out of his "normal bread," he asked for the italian sausage. "EXCUSE ME SIR..could you be more difficult?!?!" I thought he was going to shed a few tears, but he finally decided upon tuna......about that...Sarah says, "Emily, can you get me some tuna?" "Sure Sarah, I'll just grab it out of the...." TINA TURNER! There is none prepared in the cooler.
HAVE NO FEAR..EMILY THE SUB MASTER IS HERE...I decide this is my moment to shine. I dive into the cooler and grab the tuna pouch. I then proceed to frantically cover it in mayo, glove my hands, and delve my fingers into the gooey mass. In my intense tuna mixing, I seemed to cover the wall, the table, my face, the pens, my apron, and even the calculator in tuna. The kitchen looked like someone threw the Little Mermaid and a bunch of mayo into a blender without a lid. As sweat dripped from my brow and I grabbed a small container to rush the tuna of excellence to the front, I hear Sarah wrapping the sub......."O..sorry Emily...I made the tuna we had in the front work when I heard you grabbing all the stuff to make it." "That's fine Sarah, but you can come to my house tonight and wash the tuna from my hair and sports bra."
I do love my Subway though, and I have started to develop "The Subway/English Dictionary," which translates customer requests into real English..here are a few I have so far:
-"Brown Bread": Wheat Bread
-"Spicy Hot Cheese": Pepperjack cheese
-"9 Grain White Cheese Bread": I have never been to Subway before so I won't even notice what kind of bread you give me
-"Red Sauce": Marinara sauce (NOT HOT SAUCE..they will come back in 10 minutes later with a sub with 1 bite taken out of it to remind you of this)
-"Purple Pepper": Red Onions and Peppers
-"Dem Peppers that aint gonna make my eyes water": Banana peppers
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)