"He will probably die a lonely man" THE Jenny Shellabarger

O hey guys!

Soooo today was absolutely splendid. First of all, I need to tell you that Moccasin (my fish) is currently doing the electric slide in his tank. I'm not joking...I think he is hungry. Anyways, I didn't work today which is much more depressing than it sounds. You see, I have found my place in this world. Subway, yes Subway, is my place in this world. I am surrounded by vegetables (and some meat..BLAHHH can't have everything) and cookies. I can talk to myself as a please, and I get to make children both happy and healthy (well except for the little girl who wants a footlong white bread with marinara and mayo..God Bless America).

We went to grandma's today. Grandma is my hero. We made her supper, and I went grocery shopping for her. Aside from her chronic pain and her bladder that is as unreliable as my dad's car (the trunk is held shut by a bungee cord..the car's trunk, not grandma's...grandma's is held shut with an adult diaper), she makes me want to get old. Why do you ask? Well, one look at her shopping list will tell us. Here it is folks, word for word:
1) 2 Plums
2) All Beef Hotdogs (MUST BE ALL BEEF)
3) Cookies
4) Gravy (the microwave kind from Bob Evans)
QUICK SIDENOTE: SWINGERS ON TLC...WAAAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!
5) Red Baron Single Slice Pizza
6) Cookies
7) Trashbags
8) Potato Skin Chips
That, my friends, will last her for a week. And yes, we did buy 2 boxes of cookies (1 oreo 1 Pecan Shortbread). Do you see any vegetables (2 plums..all week!), any bread, and ANY NUTRITIOUS FOOD AT ALL?!?! This is the woman who also has 36 Milky Ways in her fridge...hello menopause..I'm ready when you are!

When we returned, my sister had her rollerblades on. Grandma had given her the beautiful suggestion that we should let her hold a string and be pulled by her $1000 Hover Round that had never been used. I jumped at the oppurtunity. Picture this..I am sitting in a Hover Round (which is obviously set at the fastest setting) pulling my sister who is holding on to a piece of yellow yarn tied to the chair. She was having a blast and giggling like a toddler with a kitten............until I decided to off-road. I not only drove the Hover Round through grandma's backyard, but I decided to drive it through the alley as well (the alley that is full of stones...the kryptonite to roller blades).

Grandma knew she was going to have to pee in like a half hour, so we decided it was time to start heading in (we were in her driveway). While grandma was relieving herself, Eric, Jenny, and I decided to gang up on dad. It started with Eric pulling dad's arm hairs (one of my favorite past times). Then, I performed Nipple Annhilation (a titty twister from hell). Dad, however, countered that with a painful snake bite (don't call children's services..he's not that strong), and while he was distracted, Eric went for the grand finale. AN ATOMIC WEDGIE. Just to add insult to injury, I gave dad a Wet Willy while he was trying to make his bum and underwear 2 seperate items again. All the while, grandma was yelling at us to "quick pickin on your dad. he's a nice man." Thanks grandma.....but you take a snake bit from him and tell me how you feel!

I decided I wanted to go to clown school today. It's a 30 week course and costs $1500, so I am going to have to make a decision...Grad school..or clown school...opinions would be appreciated. However, I was trying to find my clown niche today, and I discovered one of the most exciting things to do. It was more fun than jump roping on a rainbow (I've done it). I decided that maybe I should juggle cotton balls as a clown...really..I was taking a poo on the toilet and was curious if I could juggle cotton balls...cotton balls are kind of light though, so I got it wet to see it that would make it easier. Instead of juggling them, I decided to chuck them at the shower wall. OMGshness....Go to your bathroom right now and throw wet cotton balls at the shower wall. You can thank me later.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em