Good evening friends with benefits,
Friday, I plucked 2 of my grandma's chin hairs. It was exhilarating. I love my grandma with all of my heart, but I must say, she makes me scared poopless to grow old. She asked me to get these two hairs off her chin because they had been bothering her for a while. "Sure grandma, I'll rip out 2 of your chin hairs." I was excited to help grandma...until I got closer to her chin...2 hairs?!?!?! MORE LIKE 200...if I wasn't in my grandma's living room, I would have thought I was looking at Willie Nelson...they say ignorance is bliss...but I really don't want to be walking around with a hairy chin in 80 years. I just hope I plucked the right 2.
I'm currently watching "Sonny with a Chance" with my little sister. "Emmie, remember how Demi Levato died her hair black? Well, it's brown again." "O cool Jenny. You don't know the capital of Ohio, but you know Demi Levato's hair color...our school systems are really excelling." She made me realize something very important though. Wherever I go, whatever I do, I want EVERY girl between the ages of 6-15 to know every aspect about me. "Did you guys here Emily used 3 sheets of toilet paper today?!"
Sometimes I think that the most interesting people in the entire world reside in Northwest Ohio. Exhibit A) We were having a garage sale on Friday (yea, you should have bought my stuff because you could sell it on Ebay when I'm famous). This has nothing to do with the story I'm about to tell, but Paula Dean's skinny twim shopped at my garage sale..she bought a pair of kneepads and a wreath. Anyways, this pale preteen boy rode by on his bicycle and said, "O a sweeper. Can I buy it?" He then gave me three dollars and rode away on his bicycle. I gave him the dirt from my dorm for free. Exhibit B) Colin and I were in Meijer last night getting a raincheck on Tidy Cat, and I saw a woman whom I thought was Sinead O' Connor. She was dawning the usual post 10 pm Meijer outfit (a wife beater and cut off jean shorts), so her calfs were right there just asking for me to look at them. On her left calf was THE GREATEST TATOO EVER! Was it a cross? NO. Was it a life motto? NO. Was it a Twinkie? NO, but OK I lied, it was the second best tattoo ever. It was a rainbow..but not just any rainbow...it was a rainbow with a teddy bear wearing scuba gear under it. God Bless America.
This last section of my blog is used to honor my ultra talented cousin. Her voice makes Whitney Houston (pre-crack Whitney) sound like a car muffler with a dead kitten in it. So if you would like to hear the most beautiful singing voice in the world...check this out people!! (I figure if I don't get famous, she will, and I can ride her shirt tail into stardom!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zx5ctICBO0w
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I'm Gonna Give All My Secrets Away
O hey guys,
Long time no speak! Miss me? That's ok...neither do my dogs when I go to school. Anyways, this blog is going to be of a different format. The beginning will be normal....but the second half will be a bit deeper (more serious Emily), so I understand if you want to quit reading after the lighter half...because the second half may be the equivalent of seeing your mom naked (you probably won't look at me the same after you read it).
So I think I have a disease. I diagnosed myself with KMMPS. It's a horrible disease that interferes with my everyday life. It especially ruins my grocery shopping time. KMMPS is short for, "Kroger Makes Me Poop Syndrome." You see, I will be minding my own business, looking at frozen vegan dinners, and WAM BAM UNCLE SAM..my intestines feel like they are going to explode all over Aisle 8 (thank goodness the toilet paper aisle is right beside the frozen dinner aisle). For a normal human being, this wouldn't be a giant problem...but I also suffer from PBSTHOOMS. "Public Bathrooms Scare The Heck Out Of Me Syndrome," causes me to break out into a cold sweat and sing random show tunes so using the bathroom at Kroger is NOT an option.
Because of this, I can't even pick out my dang meal..I just sprint to produce and grab a sweet potato. Then, I do self check out and book it to my car. Here, the pain begins. You know that feeling when you wait until the LAST possible minute to relieve yourself? Well, I deal with that for about 4.5 minutes because the traffic gods set up the most ANNOYING 3 lights in all of St. Marys on the road to my house. All that stands between me and porcelain relief are traffic lights that are timed so that you must stop at every one of them. I know someone up there is getting a real kick out of watching me have poop trembles at every light. There is, however, always a fitting song on the radio during my misery. Today, it was "Jesus Take the Wheel." Fitting.."Jesus take the wheel. Take if from my hands 'cuz I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go" because I need to hold my pants! God Bless America.
SPOILER ALERT: I'm bout to get surious!!
Life has been sooo turbulent for me the past 2 years or so. I wouldn't trade a second of it for anything because every laugh, every relationship (or lack there of), every tear, and every Marbeck meal (k not TOTALLY serious) has made me the person I am today. Most of you who read this probably know me life you know a Babe Ruth candy bar. I look DELICIOUS and fairly normal on the outside..but inside..I'm NUTS! Basically what I am trying to say is even if you don't think you had an impact on me...you did. And I may not be perfect, I understand that now more than ever, but I'm Emily Eileen Shellabarger. And there isn't a darn person who can be Emily Eileen Shellabarger better! (except for maybe my sister..she does GREAT impressions). I just love you...that's all.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Long time no speak! Miss me? That's ok...neither do my dogs when I go to school. Anyways, this blog is going to be of a different format. The beginning will be normal....but the second half will be a bit deeper (more serious Emily), so I understand if you want to quit reading after the lighter half...because the second half may be the equivalent of seeing your mom naked (you probably won't look at me the same after you read it).
So I think I have a disease. I diagnosed myself with KMMPS. It's a horrible disease that interferes with my everyday life. It especially ruins my grocery shopping time. KMMPS is short for, "Kroger Makes Me Poop Syndrome." You see, I will be minding my own business, looking at frozen vegan dinners, and WAM BAM UNCLE SAM..my intestines feel like they are going to explode all over Aisle 8 (thank goodness the toilet paper aisle is right beside the frozen dinner aisle). For a normal human being, this wouldn't be a giant problem...but I also suffer from PBSTHOOMS. "Public Bathrooms Scare The Heck Out Of Me Syndrome," causes me to break out into a cold sweat and sing random show tunes so using the bathroom at Kroger is NOT an option.
Because of this, I can't even pick out my dang meal..I just sprint to produce and grab a sweet potato. Then, I do self check out and book it to my car. Here, the pain begins. You know that feeling when you wait until the LAST possible minute to relieve yourself? Well, I deal with that for about 4.5 minutes because the traffic gods set up the most ANNOYING 3 lights in all of St. Marys on the road to my house. All that stands between me and porcelain relief are traffic lights that are timed so that you must stop at every one of them. I know someone up there is getting a real kick out of watching me have poop trembles at every light. There is, however, always a fitting song on the radio during my misery. Today, it was "Jesus Take the Wheel." Fitting.."Jesus take the wheel. Take if from my hands 'cuz I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go" because I need to hold my pants! God Bless America.
SPOILER ALERT: I'm bout to get surious!!
Life has been sooo turbulent for me the past 2 years or so. I wouldn't trade a second of it for anything because every laugh, every relationship (or lack there of), every tear, and every Marbeck meal (k not TOTALLY serious) has made me the person I am today. Most of you who read this probably know me life you know a Babe Ruth candy bar. I look DELICIOUS and fairly normal on the outside..but inside..I'm NUTS! Basically what I am trying to say is even if you don't think you had an impact on me...you did. And I may not be perfect, I understand that now more than ever, but I'm Emily Eileen Shellabarger. And there isn't a darn person who can be Emily Eileen Shellabarger better! (except for maybe my sister..she does GREAT impressions). I just love you...that's all.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Monday, August 9, 2010
Would you like to share my toasted cheese?
Holla,
I worked today...for the first time in 3 days. O Subway, I missed thee. However, I do have a bit of venting to do. I would like to vent about the patrons I would like to call "Picky, Picky Princesses." Don't get me wrong, I respect and appreciate people who can't stand sauces or lettuce or peppers (I HATE MAYO...if Satan bathes, he uses mayo for soap). These are not the people I am addressing. PPP's are people who think that they deserve the GREATEST veggies on Earth...veggies that grow in the buttcrack of sunshine. I NEVER put pickle or banana pepper butts onto subs, I always toss brown lettuce, and I never use a green tomato...so DON'T YOU DARE criticize the vegetables I do use.
So the most Picky, Picky Princess of them all came in tonight; she is a frequent customer, so I thought I was prepared. Well it turns out she was deemed the Queen of Pickiness before she came in, so she was in rare form tonight. "Your tomatoes look skinny; I think you should get out different ones." "You really skimp on the onions." "Keep the sub on the paper, so I get the vegetables that you dropped off my sub."
OKAY!! First of all, SOMEONE HAS TO GET THE SKINNY TOMATOES!! And sorry mam, today it's you..They taste EXACTLY the same. I'll give you 6 instead of 5..RELAX!! O my bad, I forgot the 11th Commandment was, "Thou shalt not put skinny tomatoes on a sub."
Secondly, I did not SKIMP on your onions. I put the amount I was supposed to! If you would have said "EXTRA", it would have been skimpy. BUT NOOOOO, you were so busy worrying about the "skinny tomatoes" that you forgot to say "EXTRA." "O, OK, you want more onions...HERE is enough onions to fill the void in your heart that causes you to come in and terrorize me!"
Thirdly, if you would have just let me put the "skinny tomatoes" on...your other veggies wouldn't have fallen off :)
I am more than willing to make your sub eating experience comparable to the joy you will feel on your wedding day, but it kind of tickles my pickles when you try to tell me how to do my job. I am the certified sandwich artist..you, Picky Picky Princesses, are simply tomato hating, onion judging, stingymonsters. So if you think I'm being stingy, buy a pig, grow a garden, kill the pig, pick the veggies, watch Jeopardy (that's just a good show), milk a cow full of honey mustard (they make those you know?), mug Aunt Millie, and MAKE YOUR OWN SUB!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
I worked today...for the first time in 3 days. O Subway, I missed thee. However, I do have a bit of venting to do. I would like to vent about the patrons I would like to call "Picky, Picky Princesses." Don't get me wrong, I respect and appreciate people who can't stand sauces or lettuce or peppers (I HATE MAYO...if Satan bathes, he uses mayo for soap). These are not the people I am addressing. PPP's are people who think that they deserve the GREATEST veggies on Earth...veggies that grow in the buttcrack of sunshine. I NEVER put pickle or banana pepper butts onto subs, I always toss brown lettuce, and I never use a green tomato...so DON'T YOU DARE criticize the vegetables I do use.
So the most Picky, Picky Princess of them all came in tonight; she is a frequent customer, so I thought I was prepared. Well it turns out she was deemed the Queen of Pickiness before she came in, so she was in rare form tonight. "Your tomatoes look skinny; I think you should get out different ones." "You really skimp on the onions." "Keep the sub on the paper, so I get the vegetables that you dropped off my sub."
OKAY!! First of all, SOMEONE HAS TO GET THE SKINNY TOMATOES!! And sorry mam, today it's you..They taste EXACTLY the same. I'll give you 6 instead of 5..RELAX!! O my bad, I forgot the 11th Commandment was, "Thou shalt not put skinny tomatoes on a sub."
Secondly, I did not SKIMP on your onions. I put the amount I was supposed to! If you would have said "EXTRA", it would have been skimpy. BUT NOOOOO, you were so busy worrying about the "skinny tomatoes" that you forgot to say "EXTRA." "O, OK, you want more onions...HERE is enough onions to fill the void in your heart that causes you to come in and terrorize me!"
Thirdly, if you would have just let me put the "skinny tomatoes" on...your other veggies wouldn't have fallen off :)
I am more than willing to make your sub eating experience comparable to the joy you will feel on your wedding day, but it kind of tickles my pickles when you try to tell me how to do my job. I am the certified sandwich artist..you, Picky Picky Princesses, are simply tomato hating, onion judging, stingymonsters. So if you think I'm being stingy, buy a pig, grow a garden, kill the pig, pick the veggies, watch Jeopardy (that's just a good show), milk a cow full of honey mustard (they make those you know?), mug Aunt Millie, and MAKE YOUR OWN SUB!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Monday, August 2, 2010
Jenny...The Becoming of a Woman
Friends, Relatives, Kidney Stones, and Colin,
Good news...Jenny is now wearing a bra! Why is this good news you ask...well, it means that I have an eye patch in case I sustain a serious eye injury at home or want to dress up as a pirate for Halloween. It basically looks like two Mcdonalds napkins held together by floss. If I wore it, I would have two black eyes and ten times less dignity, but it's really special to her. It also gives me one more object to grab on to when she is about to get hit by a car in the parking lot of Kroger...I think it really hurts her when I grab her ponytail.
I don't know if I have ever told you, but I LOVE SWEET POTATOES..tos..toes..who knows? I love them for a variety of reasons...1) they are orange..orange vegetables are like little bits of sunshine (I love carrots too!)...2) they are cheap. ONE DOLLAR with my KROGER PLUS CARD!!...3) my brother hates them...so I know they will always be waiting patiently for me on the counter and 4) I CAN SALT THEM. I have developed this odd obsession with salt lately. I literally have a salt shaker in my room....I keep it in my chair. It fell down the cushion yesterday, and I had a small panic attack because I thought it was gone forever. I salt my potatoes..I salt my lean pockets..I salt my grilled cheese...I salt my pajamas...hell I salt my extra salted popcorn! It's probably unhealthy, but so is smoking..and I don't smoke..so I have the slack to salt my salt!
I am entering my last two weeks of Subway...at least of fairly constant work at Subway. For those of you who haven't had a small bite of Heaven, you may want to stop by before the thirteenth (my last day). For those of you who won't be able to stop by or don't live close enough to come to my Subway, I would like to give you rules that you must always hold your sandwich artist to:
1) The cheese slices are friends, not lovers. They should be close to each other...but not so close they overlap. There is NO NEED for an extra cheesy bite in the middle, but no cheese at the ends.
2) For those of you who are vegetarians, the lettuce IS THE MEAT of our subs. That means 2 tablespoons of lettuce does NOT cut it...demand what you deserve!!
3) Jalapenos should NEVER be stacked. Who wants their bumwhole to burn when they digest a double jalapenoed bite?
4) Sauce should be distributed from end to end. Lazy stripes mean bland bites. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!! MAYO!!
and most importantly.............
5) Extra means extra. If the artist puts too much on, you can always pick it off. However, very few people have a head of lettuce in their pocket to add more if there is not enough (I carry beets, not lettuce).
Just remember..you are paying 5 dollars...you deserve nothing less than the best.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Good news...Jenny is now wearing a bra! Why is this good news you ask...well, it means that I have an eye patch in case I sustain a serious eye injury at home or want to dress up as a pirate for Halloween. It basically looks like two Mcdonalds napkins held together by floss. If I wore it, I would have two black eyes and ten times less dignity, but it's really special to her. It also gives me one more object to grab on to when she is about to get hit by a car in the parking lot of Kroger...I think it really hurts her when I grab her ponytail.
I don't know if I have ever told you, but I LOVE SWEET POTATOES..tos..toes..who knows? I love them for a variety of reasons...1) they are orange..orange vegetables are like little bits of sunshine (I love carrots too!)...2) they are cheap. ONE DOLLAR with my KROGER PLUS CARD!!...3) my brother hates them...so I know they will always be waiting patiently for me on the counter and 4) I CAN SALT THEM. I have developed this odd obsession with salt lately. I literally have a salt shaker in my room....I keep it in my chair. It fell down the cushion yesterday, and I had a small panic attack because I thought it was gone forever. I salt my potatoes..I salt my lean pockets..I salt my grilled cheese...I salt my pajamas...hell I salt my extra salted popcorn! It's probably unhealthy, but so is smoking..and I don't smoke..so I have the slack to salt my salt!
I am entering my last two weeks of Subway...at least of fairly constant work at Subway. For those of you who haven't had a small bite of Heaven, you may want to stop by before the thirteenth (my last day). For those of you who won't be able to stop by or don't live close enough to come to my Subway, I would like to give you rules that you must always hold your sandwich artist to:
1) The cheese slices are friends, not lovers. They should be close to each other...but not so close they overlap. There is NO NEED for an extra cheesy bite in the middle, but no cheese at the ends.
2) For those of you who are vegetarians, the lettuce IS THE MEAT of our subs. That means 2 tablespoons of lettuce does NOT cut it...demand what you deserve!!
3) Jalapenos should NEVER be stacked. Who wants their bumwhole to burn when they digest a double jalapenoed bite?
4) Sauce should be distributed from end to end. Lazy stripes mean bland bites. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!! MAYO!!
and most importantly.............
5) Extra means extra. If the artist puts too much on, you can always pick it off. However, very few people have a head of lettuce in their pocket to add more if there is not enough (I carry beets, not lettuce).
Just remember..you are paying 5 dollars...you deserve nothing less than the best.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)