"You're not Laura are you?"

RAWWWR,

Today was such an amazing day; I hope I can do it justice with this blog. I woke up at 6:22 a.m. I should have known it was going to be a perfect day when my favorite Saved By the Bell was on at 7 (the one where Zach spies on the girls, they find out, and they lead him to believe Kelly is crazy...classic!). Anyways, I headed off to Delphos around 7:45 because Colin and I were having a day at the zoo.

O the zoo! The animals are absolutely awesome!! And the people you see there are even better. It wasn't too busy in the morning because the forecast was worse than the feeling you get when you're out of milk after you've already poured cereal. We started at the monkeys...it's impossible to not start at the monkeys at the zoo. The monkeys were cuter than a second grader trying to read, but we were distracted from their picking of parasitic bugs off each others' behinds by the hair cut on a small boy in front of us. The beauty of a place like the zoo is that you can take pictures of all the weird stuff you see (including people), but you can pretend you were taking pictures of the animals. Here, my friends, is one of the BEST mullets I have ever seen in person.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

After the mullet, I thought life couldn't get any better. O but I was wrong. My favorite exhibit of the entire zoo was the giraffes. Why? I am pretty sure it was simply a family reunion that I was not invited to. I know that I am a direct descendent of giraffes because the giraffes looked at me like, "Don't I know you from somewhere?" (I have pictures to prove it.) Giraffes also eat up to like 30 pounds of lettuce a day...remember how I said I was trying to be a hippie? Scratch that, I am trying to be a giraffe!

Another highlight of the day was the feeding of the goats, which might I add, was quite successful for me. The woman who handed out the food said, "You are berry tood at tis" (translation: "You are very good at this.") You see, goats like food more than my brother likes pizza rolls, so when you introduce food to them, you are at their mercy. I was feeding the goats like a nice citizen, and they decided to jump on me. Not just jump, but stand...GOATS ARE HEAVY. Goats also have poop on their paws, and they don't have the decency to wipe it off before they jump on your white shirt. So I had poop-covered goat hooves smashing my spleen for about 4 minutes. I am assuming I was "berry tood at it" because I was not killed by the goats.

Goats like Colin,

but they cover Emily in poop.

Then there was a DOWNPOUR, and Colin and I were chased by a peacock to safety. But the downpour didn't last too painfully long (long enough to soak my white shirt and make my hair more matted than the lions mane though). After the zoo, we headed to the mall where I found the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken!!!" If you have never seen it, find it, watch it, and plant a tree (I'm worried about global warming ok?)....CHIPOTLE!! We had that next, and I got to experience the, "No mom we weren't doing dirty things, I forgot to button my pants after Chipotle" bloatedness for the whole ride home, but it was worth it for the 13 minutes in vegetarian burrito heaven.

2 brilliant quotes of the day. Random woman in the parking lot who was driving by slowly and staring, "You're not Laura are you?" (I'm not Laura, in case you were confused). And, Chipotle worker, "Do you want meat on your vegetarian burrito?"

Keep Letting It Be,

Em

Yo momma's so dumb she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W&Ws

Hey ladies and gentlemen,

I am exhausted. I'm exhausted because I am finally a stupid grown up. I work and work and work then I rush and rush and rush. I am 6 cup sizes and one ugly pair of pants away from being my mom. I worked today from 8:45-2. Remember how we were busier than a Florida Kroger during a hurricane warning? Well, everyone must have been eating the other half of their 5 dollar footlong today because like 5 people came in the whole shift. Sounds good right? WRONG! Because now Jordan and I must find things to do, like cleaning the cookie holder. It's easy, don't get me wrong, but OO the temptation. I felt like Eve. The green sugar cookie was screaming, "EAT ME," but my boss in the back of my mind saying, "UNEMPLOYMENT." So I didn't eat it, even though the paper said "Clean out the cookie holder." Wouldn't cleaning it out TECHNICALLY mean getting rid of the cookies too? (PS: I was in no way comparing my boss to God in the Eve reference..BAHA..I just laughed out loud at the thought. Good guy...yea, but God...ehh..not quite.)

So after work, I had to rush to Delphos to celebrate Lillian's birthday with my 2 favorite children on earth, and no I am not saying this because I know you're reading Valerie. Believe it or not, Lillian and Sebastian are my 2 favorite children ever. For those of you who don't know who I am speaking of, I am talking about Colin's niece and nephew. Anyways, Lillian's 5th birthday was today. She greeted me with a thumb war. She is queen of thumb wars; she always beats me. (I let people think I let her beat me, but the truth is...she has really strong thumbs.) I beat her in staring contests though, but that's only because she forgets to breath too. Sebastian is my other boyfriend, but it's ok because he is cheating on me with Steph, Colin's brother's fiance. He HAD to show me his room in his new house (I think he was just trying to get me in his room..GOO..that was wrong..he's four), but he was so proud. And even though he yells everything he says to the point where the veins in his neck stick out, I still enjoy every conversation I have with him. Another small child with a cut on the bridge of her nose was following us around. I wondered where she got the cut, but then I heard her fall down a few steps and realized she was me...just 16 years younger. I love the children ever so much, even if Colin thinks I am faking it. And shout out to Valerie for the kick butt cake; it was a hamburger..I'm pretty sure I saw Rachel Ray peaking in the window to try to take some lessons.

Quote of the day from Lillian: "I'm painting a multi-colored rainbow!"

P.S.: While Lillian and Sebastian are my favorite children, I would like to make it clear that Phoenix Tucker is, in fact, my favorite SMALL child. He cannot yet tell me about his amazing artistic skills or use me as a human jungle gym, so he still falls into the category of SMALL child.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

"In Ohio women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear"...so if I'm not wearing underwear??

Hi guys!

I didn't blog yesterday. I am so very sorry. I'm not even going to make up an excuse. I just got back from the drive in way too late and basically fell asleep faster than a narcaleptic full of Nyquil. I saw "How to Train Your Dragon," which was quite good. The second movie was "Date Night." I was concerned this movie would let me down because Tina Fey and Steve Carell are more fun than a box of Rice Krispies (really..have you ever just looked into a box of Rice Krispies? It's so funny..plus they talk!) Anyways, I figured it would never match up to my high expectations of Steve and Tina. However, I WAS WRONG!! I personally loved it!

Today, I realized that I am too judgmental of people who ride my bumper when I drive. You know who that feeling..."THIS GUY WON'T GET OFF MY [EXPLICIT]. IT'S [EXPLICIT]ING ANNOYING!" You see, we always assume that the people riding our bumpers are just jerks who think they are in more of a hurry than anyone else, but today, I was the bumper rider. I was the bumper rider, not because I just felt like being a boob, but because I had to poo like you would never believe. I took the minivan to Wal Mart, and this load came out of no where. Because of my serious fear of public bathrooms (i'm scared of vomit, heights, and public bathrooms in that order), I risked carrying my dinner in my new panties just to drive all the way across town to grandma's toilet, which is probably ickier than Wal Mart's (we all know how grandmas' toilets are). So I am driving as fast as possible, and I am basically sitting on top of the Buick in front of me. They were not happy...I could just feel it...ehh...maybe that was just poop cramps. Long story short, don't get so angry at bumper riders...they might have to poop.

At work today, I served enough food to feed every person in the Chinese phonebook. I'm pretty sure that everyone in the state of Ohio had a conference call and said, "Let's go to Subway at the exact same time and make Emily cry." Everything was going well, Sarah and I made a 7 sub platter. Platters are fun because you don't have someone leaning over the sneeze guard (it's the glass thing covering the veggies..that's its real name...so fascinating) staring at their sub to make sure that each banana pepper is cocked at a 96 degree angle. After the platter, the madness began. I had someone call in 6 subs. I was making those then about 20 people came in..no joke. So I am barrelling through these subs; I think I may still have a pickle in my pants, and the man comes in for the 6 subs. So now I am trying to make 6 subs while hurdling the subs Sarah is trying to make for the people in the store. Then the drive thru thing goes off.."Hi, Welcome to Subway; I'll be with you in a minute." Back to the six subs...okay,..done with the six subs...more people in line...twenty minutes passing..DING-drive thru goes off..."Hi, Welcome to Subway; I'll be with you in a minute." "I HAVE BEEN WAITING HERE!!" "Ahh crap!..Go ahead when you're ready." Guess who forgot someone was in the drive thru?? Me and her became best friends. God Bless America. Sorry that was a little excessive, but it was sooooo horrible. I still love this job though..I love people.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

"Weather Forecast for Tonigh: Dark" George Carlin

Hello HEllo HELlo HELLo HELLO,

O hey, nice to talk to you again. I'm so very, very, very tired. You don't care...so anyways, I worked today. I closed actually. This is the definition of scary. Leave the oven on..BOOM..no more Subway for anyone. Forget to lock the doors..CHA-CHING..Emily looses millions of dollars. But, I did those two things, and I flushed both the toilets so I think I am ok. I hate Mayo...if I could marry a condiment, I would marry Mayo, have its child, then divorce it and take all its money. That's how much I hate it. So we were busy today, and I was making subs faster than an octopus with fingers. This woman told me to put Mayo on her sub, so I was in the process of doing so. I looked at the bottle and thought, "I wonder where the sticker that is usually on top that says 'Mayonaise'?" I didn't ponder too long because we were busy; I just squirted the bottle at the sandwich. Nothing came out, so I squirted harder..and harder..and harder...until I realized everyone was laughing (it took me a while to realize it because "California Gurls" was playing on the radio, and I was dancing on a table in daisy dukes in my head). I then heard, "EMILY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I looked over and realized I had been holding the bottle upside down and was covering my coworker in Mayo. God Bless America. If everyone would just hate Mayo as much as me, we could feed it to dogs (I hate dogs) and then I wouldn't have covered half of Subway in it.

I tried greek yogurt today. I enjoyed it, but I think it's only because my vegetarianism has allowed me to eat things that taste like bodily functions. For example, hummus sort of tastes like what you would think a fart would taste like. But for some reason, I love it...do I talk about farts too much? Well, this greek yogurt kind of tasted like phlegm. And it came with a little bit of peach on the side that I am assuming I was supposed to stir in. The peach concoction resembled baby poop..I don't think it tasted like baby poop (but then again, I have never had baby poop, so it could taste like peaches for all I know). Long story short, it wasn't that bad..a little bitter. I do know it's even better than real yogurt and quite filling...WOOO..and it fits into the hippie mentality too.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

"Can You Cut That Sub In Half Then Cut The Half In Half? Left, Left, No A Little Right..THERE!"

It's Ms. Jackson if you're nasty,

I am currently blogging during the American Idol Season Finale. Yes, the government did call to tell me I was being deported for this act. I have noticed a few things throughout these 2 hours of pure filler (which is not all bad, don't get me wrong.) These are in no particular order. Janet Jackson was much more fun when she was nasty. She is currently repeating "trust in me." "Well Janet, I can't trust you if you don't SHUT UP and tell me who wins American Idol!" OMYGOSHNESS!! NASTY BOYS! Please forgive me for speaking too soon. I will now watch Ms. Jackson get nasty...be right back...ok..back to my observations. Kelly Clarkson has, in fact, gained so much weight that she now weighs more than Reuben. Chicago is still one of my least favorite bands...and cities while we're talking about it. If Carrie Underwood came to my door right now smeared in goose poop, carrying a hippo carcas, and talking about math, I would still marry her. And Christina Aguilera was much better looking when she was a genie. But then again, she is beautiful, no matter what they say....even if I say she looks like a duck.

Today was an absolutely AWESOME day. I got to interview Major Teri Andreoni over the phone for a piece I wrote for the newspaper. OOO phone interview, what's fun about that Emily? Well judgmental bloggers, SHE IS IN IRAQ! She was absolutely amazing and is a role model for all young women. I hope I did her justice with the 600 words I was alotted. Let's see, what happened after that? O yea..work. 4-8, the easiest shift on the face of the earth right? WRONG! Everyone and their 2nd cousins wanted a sub today. My boobs were sweating more than an eskimo in an oven, but there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it. I guess boob sweat on subs isn't appetizing..who knows? But, I did get one of the best compliments of my life. I made this very sunburnt, yet very nice, woman a couple subs. When she was getting checked out, she told my boss, "This girl is such a nice girl; I really like her." No, I didn't know her thank you very much!!! It's just one of those little things that help you get through the day; she doesn't realize how much it meant to me.

O man!! THE RESULTS!! My life is in this envelope!! If it's not Crystal, I will poop all over my chair! I love this chair! I can't do this...I just chewed off my thumb...O goodness..RYAN TELL ME!!....THE WINNER OF AMERICAN IDOL 2010 IS LEE DEWYZE...Thank Buddha I put Depends on today; I really love this chair. F' this, I'm going to bed!

Keep Letting It Be (EXCEPT FOR YOU LEE DEWYZE)
Em

Food Takes 24 Hours to Complete Its 30 Foot Path Through Your Body: Proof That Taco Bell is NOT Food

O hey,

Biggest Loser is officially making me fat. I am again glued to the screen, and I am again eating...mindlessly. Anyways, it's time for a blog. I want to use this blog to apologize for something that has been eating me alive. It is affecting my family and those around me. It's costing my family extra money. It is hurting the environment, and I am just tired of hiding it from everyone. I feel so ashamed for saying this, but you are the only people I trust. Here I go...please don't hate me....I'M THE ONE WHO USES THE EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF TOILET PAPER IN THE BATHROOM!!! phew..there..i said it. And it's not that I try to do this, I just pee ALL the time. Like I sincerely believe that I have a garden hose that runs from my throat to my..uhh..pee hole and God forgot to turn the spigot off when he made me. I once swallowed a raindrop and peed my pants. But no one I ever talk to seems to have problem with it, so I continue to urinate 54042894233450948 times an hour and hope no vital organs fall out. Because of this excessive urination, my father is forced to visit the dollar store approximately three times a day. That's every four waking hours on the hour...we'll just say Norm, the cashier, knows my dad by name.

So, along with my urination problem, I also have a problem with swallowing gum. That might be because I have a stomach that is always yelling, "GIVE ME SOMETHING TO TURN INTO ACID THAT I WILL PUSH BACK UP YOUR THROAT WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING!" My boyfriend doesn't understand how I do it, but I must buy the special gum with legs that walks down my throat. This normally isn't as big of a concern as my frequent urination. It only become a concern about every 3 weeks when the pieces of gum pass through the 30 feet of my body. This time, it was at Wal Mart. Everyime this happens, I want to call Double Bubble and tell them that half their manufactured product for the past month is floating in a toilet in Celina, Ohio. God Bless America!

By the way, I left about halfway through this blog to get a Oreo Cheesequake Blizzard. I told you Biggest Loser makes me hungry. Well today was buy one get one for a quarter, so I took my brother. The Dairy Queen was so crowded, it made New York Times look like the stands of a WNBA game. The Dairy Queen actually closed 27 minutes early (2 customers after us) because they were just so swamped. We waited a long while for our blizzards, so we got mediums instead of smalls for our wait. Normal people would be ecstatic..but I'm not normal...hello heartburn, goodbye healthy diet.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

I Am 1 in 150,000: There are 150,000 Subway Employees Across the Nation

Hiyah!

First, internet connection was again being a 14 month child who dropped his foofy down the heat register. So please forgive me. This blog is dedicated to the woman who sat behind me at the red light beside the Family Video who was picking some mass growing on her face. She thought no one was looking, much to her dismay, I just happened to be gazing into my rear view mirror. She was like mom age and driving a jeep type vehicle; she didn't seem like one to explode a volcano on her face. This just made me think of how awesome it is that everyone, including me, believes their car is an invisibility cloak that gives you permission to pick your nose, beat your child, shove your face is grease-laced "meat," and sing like you're in the finals for American Idol (WHICH IS TOMORROW!!!!). Anyways, this woman went at it. She did that thing where you like pull your lower lip into your mouth so your skin gets real tight, then she used the "forefinger-forefinger" technique, which I am not a fan of. I am watching all of this through my rear view mirror. Once she created what looked like bird poo on the inside of the windshield, the pimple gods punished her. It was obvious she was experiencing the "I'm the size of a pin head but I will bleed longer than a decapitated walrus" injury. You know, like razor nicks and paper cuts...she deserved it though because I had to skip dinner after this experience.

Today, we got absolutely demolished at Subway. We nearly ran out of bread! SUBWAY..OUT OF BREAD!!! DECEMBER 2012!! But my manager and I absolutely OWNED the continuous 5 hour rush. If someone would have told me when I woke up that I would have made like 100 subs, cut 6 cucumbers, burnt my knuckles, made 5 dozen cookies, got hit on by what may have been an old man but could have just as well been an old woman, and done enough dishes to make my hands look more like the bottom of my grandma's big toe than a hand, well..I would have believed the knuckle thing then went back to bed....but really, I ROCKED today!

I want to watch Matilda. Why? Because I want to build my own chokey. Why do I want to build my own chokey? Because I want to put my dogs in the chokey! They poop in the bathroom. Amazing right?!?! Well, except, they poop on the floor. Then I step in it, with barefeet. God Bless America. I mean we accept it when my dad drops a load on the bath mat, but it's a totally different story when the dogs do it...I don't love them.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

Sushi HosoMaki Maki HosoMaki: This is a sushi roll with little rice and the seaweed is on the outside.

Hello Friends,

Well, I would like to first address my title. This title is in honor of Nanami Saki Boyd ("Saki" is pronounced "sucky). Nanami may, or may not, be the coolest person I have ever met. She is currently laying on my pull out couch creating a "Jenny-sandwich" with the other nine year old girl who is sleeping here. Nanami is not only cool because she is named Nanami, but it's because her sister is named Minami...Yes, Nanami and Minami. Don't think I am making fun of them for a second because I am currently filled with so much envy for this 9 year old child that I feel like there is really no purpose for me to be alive because my middle name is Eileen. Nanami is also a daughter of one of Obama's workers. I am not sure how much I am allowed to say about this - nine year olds say a lot more than they are supposed to, and the idea of a secret service man breaking into my house and stealing me while I am in the shower (they always steal you in the shower) is not that appealing. So I will just say, he is in St. Marys 3 days a week and DC the other. HOW AWESOME IS THIS SMALL CHILD?! I am having a "Nanami Rocks!" shirt printed..just so the world knows how awesome she is.

T0day was the most eventful day of my life - well except for the day I broke my neck (I really did..had to wear a neck brace for 6 weeks in the eighth grade). My boyfriend and I went to breakfast at Bob Evans. This was beautiful and delicious, but the WORLD'S MOST ANNOYING COUPLE was sitting in the table beside us. I know they are a new couple because 1) they were asking a bunch of stupid questions to each other like "What hand do you use to wipe?" and 2) they were actually being nice to eachother. It was so annoying...she was actually acting like she cared what he said and stuff. Then we played a game with our waitress, it was called "Ask Emily if she wants more coffee and then don't bring it to her,"..if there was an Olympic event for that, our waitress would have gold (she would even beat a Russian). Then we bought flower seeds at the Wal-Mart. We planted flowers...A BUNCH OF FLOWERS. They probably won't grow, but if they do, they will be our love children because mom won't let me have a kitten. We then proceeded to walk at the lake. I love the lake and Colin and geese and puddles and women giving men haircuts in shelter houses, so it was a success.

Then, I went to work. I constructed the world's most perfect ham sub today. How do I know it was perfect? I don't, but I am claiming that it is because it is the ONLY exciting thing that happened all night...well except for me seperating 2 stacked sugar cookies without breaking them; that was intense. There was this young boy...he HAD to have sugar cookies or flaming ninjas would come steal him and never bring him back...so I am standing at the register and I open the drawer to find the only 2 sugar cookies STACKED, YES STACKED. A bead a sweat developed on my temple, but I couldn't wipe it off because the small boy could have been an undercover food inspector, so I left it sit. I began to seperate the cookies, while wearing gloves of course, and the top one began to crack. But I noticed JUST in time and twisted it about 3 degrees to the right, and they popped right apart. As I handed them to the child, his eyes lit up as he knew that he would live to see another day..GOD BLESS AMERICA.

K I have to go Nanami is about to be eaten by my dog.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em NOT SAKI Shellabarger

My Dog is Currently Licking Powdered Sugar Out of the Cracks of my Shoe

Hello friends,

I am ashamed to say I am a blog sinner. I did not blog yesterday. But before you shoot my dogs, no wait..please shoot my dogs, k, now let me explain. I have dogs that are 1) currently licking powdered sugar off my shoe and 2) fascinated with the cord on the wireless router, so there are periods of time where I have no wireless. But I fixed it, no worries..and this blog WILL OVERCOMPENSATE!!

First of all, I want to tell you about timing AGAIN. Except, this time it was on my side. See, I went to visit my boyfriend yesterday because of my previous deady, debilitating, brain eating, cookie smashing head ache, I hadn't seen him in FOREVER. So I brought him his favorite pizza and went to visit. Well, I went home around 10, and I HATE driving on 66 alone in the dark. It's just me, my radio, and my windshield wipers that would probably more efficient if I just strapped my sister to the hood with a kleenex everytime it rained. It was raining last night; I was nervous. And just as I was about to cry..."DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'" came on Mix 103.3. Now, not only was a driving in the dark, in the rain, with windshield wipers that did more harm than good, but I now had my eyes closed belting "THE SMELL OF WINE AND CHEAP PERFUME!" After, "Don't Stop Believin," I thought life couldn't get any better. Boy was I wrong. "Vogue," by Madonna followed. Luckily, I was in town at this time. So I sat in my humid car and vogued..with my windows up...so needless to say I was dripping with sweat. And for some reason I kept my seat belt buckled, so instead of my "body" moving to the music, it was more like, "let your neck, head, and upper arms move to the music."

On the subject of music, I realized that there would be no need to psychiatrists if we just had IPODLOOKERAT-ERS. You see, every mental disorder could be diagnosed by looking at someone's Ipod. For example, one could easily tell that I am a manic depressive who has multiple personalities just by taking one of my ear buds while I am running. Don't quote me, but I am sure the hairy arm pitted, burly man who grunts everytime he does anything in the weight room (including changing the TV channel) does not have a playlist that reads, "Baby Got Back," "Coming Undone," "Pour Some Sugar On Me," "Hell on the Heart," and as a grand finale, "I'll Make Love To You." Yes, I finished my 5 miles run with a slow jam by BoyzIIMen (give or take a few roman numerals and capital letters).

Now for today, O WHAT A DAY! My civic duty for today was to GET FAT! I have a dog party tomorrow. A handful of 9 year old girls are sleeping on my floor and eating my beautiful dog cupcakes tomorrow night. So in order to prepare for these shinanigans, mother and I headed to Lima to get supplies. IHOP! Hells Bells!! I got a short stack of pancakes with apples and enough whipped cream to put every cow in northwest Ohio out of business. But that wasn't enough, I had to complete my fruit servings of the day by covering..no drowning..the AWESOMEcakes with blueberry and strawberry jelly. When we got home, it was ever so eventful. It was time to create black lab cupcakes. I went in the backyard and killed the neighbors dog and then put him in the cupcakes...lie..they were really chocolate cupcakes with tootsie rolls for ears, sixlets for eyes, and small chocolates for a nose. They looked like black la...chocolate cupcakes with tootsie rolls for ears, sixlets for eyes, and small chocolates for a nose...but they are delicious! If these small children do not appreciate my sweat, determination, and death by flour inhalation, I will take their little trainers' bras while they are sleeping and put them in the freezer!

You're probably wondering, well how did you get fat then. How did thee get fat? Let me count the ways...a short stack of AWESOMEcakes, 3 bottles of syrup, 3/4 bottle of Sixlets, 4 bread and butter pickles, a cupcake, a cookie, 1/2 lb of cookie dough, 2 tums (to fix the previous items), 14 licks from the froosting bowl, 2 chocolate twizzlers, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (had to have the protein), and some....drum roll please...HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS...I'll probably have about 11 more tums tonight and I'll run and run and run and run..and when the old man poops on the treadmill beside me...I'll run more!!

So to make up for my lack of blog yesterday, I am going to post my latest poem...it's not great...but it's what I do.

When I Became an Adult at 4:46 A.M.

Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
She makes sure I know this even through the
Static of preset station number three.

Abraham rolls over rumble strips that
Awake me to the concept of my mortality
Compacted between a speeding semi and a cemet wall.

Left turn into the industry of a nation in
Flag City, USA. But, I have to pass Waffle House
First and curb temptations for decaf coffee.

No one's shopping at 5:08 AM. Well, except for
Her. Cupcakes, Lays, yogurt, and prime cut meat.
Johnny's lunch and part of dad's dinner.

The cashier has a handicap, a left arm
That hooks above the hand,
So he fumbles with my Ibuprofen before it
Plumets into the plastic and rests besit peach water.

Three dollars and twelve cents. No one's shopping at five o' eight.

I walk into the parking lot alone - no man, no mace,
And there he is in a big blue Buick. Maybe a danger?
He could have me halfway to Tennessee before my room mate wakes up.

As the sun dances on the tired horizon,
Abraham slows into his spot in Lot C.
My head still hurts, but I am now and adult.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

A Guy Walks Into The Psychiatrist's Office Wearing Only Glad Wrap Shorts. The Shrink Says, "Well, I Can Clearly See You're Nuts."

Hello my friends who actually still want to read after that pitiful excuse of a blog yesterday,

No worries, I am feeling better. I still don't feel 100% Emily, but I'll tell you what, that is a very hard thing to achieve..don't be too concerned. So remember how yesterday I mentioned timing? Well, I think that may be the theme for the week. You see, I get a viral infection, in the SUMMER (who in God's creation gets sick in the summer?) and have to miss 2 days in my second week of work. They almost shut down the universe because I was not there to construct sandwich masterpieces. I go to the doctor to get this life threatening (wasn't anywhere close, but Oprah has taught me that exaggerating makes a good story) illness treated and every choloric child is at the doctor getting his booster shot when I have a headache worse than the guy who was right beside the first atomic bomb to explode. Well, today, I thought timing was going to go my way. You see, my wonderful boyfriend bought me 2 yoga videos at garage sales because doing yoga will increase my tree-hugging status closer to its peak. However, yoga is the type of thing you have to do alone...especially at my house...along with shaving your legs. I have to shave my legs sitting down when I am at home. I had an accident once that involved a fallen shower curtain, a broken spigot, and a shampoo covered wall, so I try to avoid shaving while standing at all cost. At my house, if you can't hear the shower running, it's totally fair game to just stroll right in, so it's best I shave my legs when I know I am alone.

So I am alone, at my house, laying on my homemade yoga mat (it's a folded up Roughrider blanket..I work a minimum wage job..cut me some slack) and I pop in "Wai Lana's Yoga for Beginners." Wai Lana was an amazing instructor and made it look so easy, but let's just say I wai lana more than the 65 pound Wai Lana, and I am about 10 inches longer. So anytime she said, "pull your chin to your knee while letting out a slow exhale," her 6ft giant translation meant, "tear every ligament in your leg while letting out a grunt of pain." But I was alone, and I was finding my inner self...until...some CENSUS WORKER KNOCKED ON THE DOOR. I wouldn't have been mad if my dogs wouldn't have went crazier than a pre-teen who just found out Taylor Swift was her sister. Pebbles, my woodle (weiner dog and poodle..I don't know if that is scientific but it sounds cool) thought it would be a beautiful idea to leap from the door to the dining room to the front door. She is roughly the size of a telephone book, so her leap fell quite short..and by quite short..I mean right on my face, and Wai Lana just kept on talking. So I am trying to grab my right ankle, while stretching my left leg, while trying to breath through a stinky dog's abdomen, and attempting to write my name in cursive with my right hand...I will not let yoga defeat me..I will perservere...I didn't answer the door..I hope the census worker thinks we are all dead and NEVER EVER comes again.

Intersting observation: I miss being little. I miss it because I miss being able to wear whatever I want whenever I want. Today while picking up nipple knower at elementary school, I saw a young boy wearing WWE wrestling swim trunks and a polo. 1) I thanked God I didn't wear my UFC swim trunks and my polo that day like I wanted to because it would have been a close embarassing match and 2) I will devote a day of the week to wear what I want when I want (but I feel I already used it this week by being so ill that I couldn't shower for like 54 hours..WOOO)

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

I Could Probably Eat Some Scrabble Pieces and Poop Out a Better Blog (if I had an appetite)

Hello those of you who do not have a headache as bad as mine,

I know you do not have a headache as bad as mine because I know you would not choose to stare at a computer screen that makes your eyes feel like they are being used as bouncy balls by a giant on shards of broken glass. I am going to apologize for this blog already because I am not in any condition to write a blog, or to be alive for that matter. I have been awake for a total of about 4 hours today. 2 were my attempt at working, 1 was to go to the doctor, and the 2 I was just awake were to watch the Biggest Loser. So I am barreling through this and attempting to be as eloquent as possible.

So Biggest Loser, I tiptoe around this subject because I am so inspired by this show. However, I do find it funny that this show gives me the urge to eat. Here I am watching these extraordinarily large people transform their lives and all I want to do is eat an entire jar of peanut butter. And that is WITH a horrible headache and viral infection. I think I want to eat just to make Jillian Michaels angry. She doesn't know me, and she doesn't care. But I want to eat just to spite her. If I were on that show...well one I would be 250 more pounds..but also, I would eat...and I would eat...I would cover the weight bench in peanut butter and eat it. Just to make Jillian angry. And for dessert, I would eat her! That would show her...I'm a little hostile towards her ever since she said she doesn't want to have children because she doesn't want to mess up her body. UMM HELLO?!?! Your profession is a personal trainer...there have been plenty of women who have created rockin bodies after having a child...I would really hope you could too.

Anyways, I am really pulling for things to write about since I have slept about 80 percent of the day, but I also realized that my life depends on timing. And it's bad timing. You see, I am pretty sure today was, "Bring Your Screaming Child To The Doctor For A Booster Shot" day today. Yes, I still go to a pediatrician; I am dainty. Anyways, so I am laying on this paper covered, four foot long bed waiting and waiting for the doctor to give me some drugs so I can at least open my eyes. The first child to start screaming kind of sounded like his leg was being chopped off or something. No joke, this child screamed for about 20 minutes and never missed a beat. I would have been very impressed had each scream not felt like there was a meat pounder being taken to my temple. That child finally stopped; I feel like a lollipop was involved..or maybe a muzzle. I closed my eyes and thought that I would finally have at least four seconds of relief..then child number two started screaming. Not only was this child screaming, but it was screaming AND running down the hallway. So I opened the door, chased the child down, gave it its booster shot, slapped on a Dora sticker, and handed the child to his distressed mother. Okay that was a lie, I just laid there and complained...but I really would have done it if I weren't scared of needles and nearing death.

K, that's the best I can do. My apologies for the garabage that you just read. I promise when my brain is not a scolding pot of brocolli soup, I will provide a blog that is actually worth reading.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

The 'Spot' on the 7Up Bottle Comes from its Albino Inventor who had Red Eyes

The light from this computer is causing a million little indians who reside in my head to shoot blow darts into the back of my eyeballs,

Yes, my friends, you are witnessing extreme dedication. Right now, I have a migraine (well it's not a technical migraine because it's never been "diagnosed," but if this isn't Mr. Migraine...well I never want to meet him) that is so bad I thought about running into the road and letting a cement truck run over my left leg while having my right leg waxed with hot lava just to take my aching mind off the pain that it is experiencing. But, I promised a blog a day, so here goes nothing. If it begins to not make sense, I am either a) seizing, b) dead, or c) playing Spider Solitaire (I freaking love that game; I have like a 65% win average..suck on that!). Chances are it's "a" or "b" though.

So, this pain. Well let me tell you, it starts right behind my poop-brown eyes, travels down my esophagus, dances with spiked tap shoes into my shoulders, jackhammers down my back, shoots b-b's into my hips, and rolls down my legs with pain that could be compared to replacing your toilet paper with sand paper after you have eaten Mexican food that was laced with Ex-Lax (gosh I hope you never experience that, I should have just used paper towels). But, I still went to work because, let's be honest, if Subway is not running at peak performance, well, NATO, the UN, the White House, and the Dali Llama will all stop functioning.

On my way to work, I realized my car REALLY needs cleaned out. You see, I have a cooler, a baby doll, a map, crutches, rollerblades, teddy grahams, a Subway apron, and a baby pool in my car. I thought about cleaning my car out when I got home, but then I realized 1) my head hurt too bad and 2) it really should NOT be cleaned out. I will not clean it out because if I ever drive into a tree and then roll into the ocean (trees COULD grow on the beach!), I could use the baby pool to float to the safety of a nearby island, then use the map of Ohio to know how far it is from Springfield to Cleveland (just in case an iguana or something wants to know), then I could create a tourniquet with my apron for the leg that I broke so that I can then rollerblade in the sand to a cave where I can use my crutches to build a tent that will keep me dry during the tsunami as my beating heart that fell out during the accident stayed cool in the cooler until rescue arrived. The baby doll..uhh..I could burn that and use it for smoke signals..all while munching on delicious teddy grahams. So no matter how much my mom tells me to, I will NEVER clean out my car!

When I don't feel good, I am quite the morbid soul...sorry for that. I hope that no one ever has a headache like this..and if you do, a cement truck filled with hot lava drives by your house so that you can distract yourself. O NO HERE COMES DEATH!!! It looks like Alex Trebeck......donuts..mmm...I must be in heaven....o no..there isn't any milk to go with my donut..maybe it is hell....

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

"Ask Me After I Have A Pizza" Miss Michigan

And I am proud to be an American where women who trip and have weird veins on their forhead are declared to be the MISS who will represent all the MISSES of the country,

Yes, I just watched Miss USA. I couldn't compete like I was supposed to because there is a video of me kicking a dog saved on someone's cell phone, and Donald Trump was worried it would get out...so I let the first runner up of Miss Ohio take my place. In case you weren't watching, Miss Michigan won. You may believe I am simply being bias because I am a Buckeye. OH-IO. However, Miss Michigan did not only trip (she didn't fall though..which would have automatically caused me to root for her..clumsy women of the world unite!!), but she also gave some jumbled up answer about birth control and looked right into the camera and said, "It's expensive." We need world peace, not birth control, hasn't she ever watched Miss USA before? And my favorite part of the pageant did not disappoint. I love it when they announce the winner. Not because it's beautiful that some woman's dream has come true, but it's because it is the only time i get to see the "O my goodness I have to poop" pose. Watch any pageant. As soon as a girl finds out she has won, she first grabs her nose like she accidently let a fart go, and it was really stinky. Then she bends over and grabs her stomach like the cheese cube she ate before the pageant is going right through her. And finally, she covers both her nose and her mouth after she realizes she did, in fact, poop her pants.

However before I watched an uncoordinated, contraceptive loving Michiganite win the title of Miss USA, I had quite the eventful day. First, well not first but it was the first eventful thing, I went to the final concert in the performing arts center. Yes, I cried like a baby. It is just so sad to think that a stage that me, my mom, and my late grandma have graced will be torn down. But more exciting than that was the quote by Todd Shellabarger as we entered the house after the last perfomance IN..key word IN..the performing arts center. "That concert was good. But, why didn't they have it in the gym? They would have had so much more room." Umm hi dad!! Have you been alive for the last say uhhh 46 years of your life to realize that it is usually good to have a final concert of a performing arts center IN the actual performing arts center..maybe I am crazy.

Following the concert, my boyfriend, brother, Taylor, Brittany, and I headed to Mexico. Ok not real Mexico, I am too cheap for a passport. But we went to the next best thing, XCaret. Where salads are small and creepers are..well..everywhere. I would just like to tell you that Taylor ordered a guacamole salad. A $3.25 guacamole salad. For $3.25, she got the floor sweepings of lettuce from the kitchen, a tablespoon of guacamole, and a tomato that was smaller than the gumballs in the gumball machines (which were perfectly delicious..I chewed two of them). She may have gotten ripped off, but my vegetarian dish was delish! Needless to say, we didn't leave a tip...and I smuggled some chips out in my hood. Ok, I didn't because I didn't have a hood...but I really thought about it. They may not be able to pronounce any words right, but dang can they make an appetizing tortilla chip. I have thought about marrying one of them simply so they could make me tortilla chips for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and every special occasion (including secretary's day.)

Well, I keep having this sharp pain in my shoulder..I may be dying. So I am going to go die on the toilet...picture this..."911...What's your emergency?" "My daughter...she is dead..on the toilet..and she is wearing her favorite pants!" If you ever come across me dead..on the toilet..please pull up my pants...thanks.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

A Turtle Can Live Up to 140 Years: Is My Grandma a Turtle?

Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to bake cookies I go,

I have flour in my keyboard...flour is dumb. I hope that's not bad, but I feel like it will go good with the Honey Bunches of Oats, peanut butter, and finger nail clippings also stuck under the keys of my computer. No worries. What am I baking today? Well, K-Mart..Wal-Mart's 2nd cousin...had Whoppers for 35 cents for a giant box WOOPAHH!! I figured they may be as old as my younger sister for them to be so cheap, so I figured I would throw them into some cookies and no one would notice, so I am making Whopper cookies.

Today, I am exhausted. I am exhausted because I am pretty sure I made a BARVANNAWHITEZILLION (yes..it's a real number that is huge enough to have the words "Vanna White" in it) subs today. I'm not mad because, well, it's my job, but really people? I like to cut vegetables at work...not make subs. There is something ever so calming about cutting onions. We laugh together, we cry together (well more they make me cry), and it hurts me more than it hurts them to cut out their core (no really, I usually whiff the core and chop off my one of the three fingers I have left); we're basically soul mates. So I get a tad irritated when I am bothered while cutting my onions, but continue to get subs so that I can continue to have a job please.

After work, I had an ever so delicious dinner in an empty house. I LOVE AN EMPTY HOUSE! Don't tell my mom, or dad, or priest, but I walked from the laundry room to the bathroom IN DA NUDE!! But I kind of felt really dirty because the dogs were in the house, and they were just looking at me. I feel like my dogs should never see me naked for two reasons: 1) well no one should have to see me naked and 2) I sort of smelled like Subway and I had some kamikazee veggies and meat stuck to my body from my rapid sandwich making, so I probably looked semi delicious. Thank God I made it to the shower alive. In the shower, I....KIDDING..I will NOT go there! But I will say that I belted "Party In the U.S.A" like it was my job. If Miley would have heard me, she probably would have been shocked into puberty by my amazing talent.

O, my Whopper cookies are delicious by the way. I just ate two...Jillian Michaels please forgive me!

Today, I bought my boyfriend his birthday present. I REALLY wish I could tell you what it was because it is TOTALLY awesome, but he thinks it's dumb to find out what a present is before you get it..I know..how weird is that?...so you don't get to know...Blame Colin...who is saved under "Harry Potter" in my phone. I get about 200 texts from Harry Potter everyday; my sister thinks I am a wizard!

Well I have to potty and we finally have toilet paper...THANK THE LORD...dad doesn't have one of these (I'm pointing where you think I am) so he doesn't realize how important toilet paper is.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

"See Ya Later Lillian!"

Good Morning, or afternoon or evening or morrow (whatever the heck that means) in case you're in some stupid time zone,

You were getting nervous weren't you? You were like "OMG it's after 11, and Emily has not blogged yet!" Well have no fear, I am blogging now..in my bed..naked...with caramel rice cakes. Okay, I lied..but I am blogging. I am EXHAUSTED, so I am praying this stays clear enough to be read...but consider this your warning...I am not responsible for any time wasted reading this.

First of all, I wanted to tell all of you to make sure you stay friends with me. Why you ask? Well that way when I'm famous, you can sell all my dirty secrets to the press and tabloids for tons of money. I am still reading Oprah's book in case you're wondering why I am bringing this up; I am just trying to help you out. I know Oprah's relatives are currently making enough money to buy one of Oprah's toenail clippings on Ebay just by selling all her lies and secrets. Now, it seems like a good plan, but Oprah seems to have a lot more secrets than me. Contrary to popular belief, I was not wrongly elected as Miss Black Nashville...I was third runner up. But I am giving you a free secret...so someone better call dibs. I am an acclaimed, proud, educated, ten toe having vegetarian, and I make sure everyone knows that it has been almost a year and a month. But I will let you all know my shameful secret...I keep beef jerkey in my socks....but that's just so my feet don't stink. The real secret is...on March 14th, 2010, I was having pizza at my grandmas. My dad got a half cheese, half pepperoni pizza. I took a bit of what I thought was cheese..BUT MUCH TO MY SURPIRSE IT WAS A PEPPERONI! It was trying to trick me, but I caught the rascal before I swallowed it. I am still so very ashamed though...God Save the Queen. But that secret has to be worth at least like $16.75 to the National Enquirer right now or something.

Other than my usual, run, work, eat, and baptize people routine, I went to Colin's house today. He was soooo pumped to show me his garage sale purchase...he paid 20 dollars for it. I must say that the moment he showed me this purchase, I knew I was in love. The heavens opened and flutes and harps played in the background. Twinkies fell from the sky, and Justin Beiber was singing with the harps and flutes. That is how wonderful this purchase was; I was so proud of him. Colin bought himself 23 WWE action figures complete with a table and ladder (for those of you who haven't been sucked into the hole of male soap opera..those are wrestling action figures.) He and I will play with them soon.

Well, I am ever so tired...and I have to be a sandwich artist again tomorrow. God Speed John Smith.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

Non-dairy creamer is flammable...no wonder I have heartburn...

Hello my friends, enemies, pets, and acquaintences with functionable corneas,
It's time for another blog!! WOOPAHH! I have come to realize that this may well be my favorite time of the day. I am currently doing what every 19 year old should do at 7 p.m...watch ICarly and bake a cake. ICarly makes me want to put hooks through my toes and hang myself from my bedroom window (which wouldn't be a big deal because I live on the first floor but think about hooks in your toe..goo!). Then why are you watching this television show, Emily? Well thank you for pondering...I will tell you. It is because I am too stinking lazy to reach over and flip it. Flipping a television in the kitchen involves sticking a yellow colored pencil into a hole where the flippy buttons used to be. So basically, it's a life or death situation...I could be electrocuded...and I'll be DARNED if I die for IamthemostannoyingpreteenintheworldCarly. As for my cake, it's 50% reduced sugar white cake with chocolate icing..I won't eat any of it. I never do...I just have this weird addiction to baking....take a number boys!!
Today...what did I do today. I ate almond Special K cereal (off brand of course)..WE'RE IN A RECESSION PEOPLE! Then, I got to run again! Glory, Glory Hallelujah...however, now I am creeped out by running. You see I have realized that the only time I can go to the Y is also the same time as old women swimming. I respect this more than anything in the world; I am glad they are worried about exercising. But you see in order to get into a swim suit...one has to get NAKED..BUTT NAKED! I'm a liberal..I think people should be able to do what they want when they want (even if that means doing cartwheels with flaming midgets tied to your feet), but there ought to be a law against nudity over the age of..well I'm 19..so 19. And it's not even that they are naked, it is the amount of time they are naked. Let's talk about our life story while we are naked, and when you're 99, you have a dang long life story. "Well Thelma, the air pressure this morning reminded me of the air pressure it was on the morning Abraham Lincoln was gunned down. I hope that doesn't mean I have run out of oatmeal at home." Naked conversations...naked conversations between 90 year old women..naked conversations between 90 year old women that last 25 minutes...I'm bringing blinders from now on.
Of course, I was a sandwich artist after I ran. Work went awesome actually; it flew. But I have noticed that I am an accent attractor. I am pretty sure my boss put a sign outfront that said, "If you can barely speak English, please come inside between the hours of 11-2 to order the most complicated sub in the world with our new sandwich artist Emily." But really, it's interesting; I can't complain too much. Today, it was Japanese workers from Setex. While I can barely understand anything they say except for, "Amweecan cheese," they are just about as cute as a pair of glasses on a 3 year old child (how do they know people who can't read need glasses anyways?). Sorry my day wasn't very eventful...but my cake is done so I must depart. If anyone wants a piece...YOU'RE SCREWED!

I took the vegetarian sticker off my laptop because it was getting skankier than my sister's excessively sweaty feet in flip flops during the summer, but I promise I am still abstaining from eating meat..I just wanted to let you know in case you came to my house and looked at my laptop.

PS: I am currently reading Oprah's biography by Kitty Kelly. Top 2 things I have learned so far: a) Oprah had a child when she was 15, but it died after a month...and b) it was rumored at ABC that she and Diane Sawyer have a...well..they like each other a lot...maybe I should find a new hero.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

Pimpin' Aint Easy

Olleh,
lleW, m'I yltnerruc gnihctaw NaciremA Lodi. O my Gosh, that was even more painful to type than it was for you to just decipher. I wrote it backwards because I AM ANGRY! Why am I angry? Because I don't have any gum...well I'm not angry because of that; I am angry because American Idol has to last 58 minutes to tell me that the giant African American man is going home...but if anyone has any gum, I would really appreciate it.

Anyways, today was one of those nonexistent days. Like I literally feel like I accomplished nothing, except for eating a pear and finishing a bag of cheddar rice cakes (DELISH!). First of all, I worked from 7:45-2...at Subway...yes..I was at SUBway at 7:45 in the morning. 1...ONE...person came in to get breakfast...and she got egg whites because her cholesterol is high. You don't care and neither do I, but I thought I would throw that in there. Well, work was going lovely; I cut onions, green peppers, tomatoes, and my hand...then THEY came in. They being two women with accents that I'm pretty positive were a mixture of Arabic, Hawaiian, Indonesian, German, Spanglish, and Furbish (Furby language). She wanted Marinara.."Mam, would you like meatballs?" "Naw, I vant peeparooni (that's pepperoni)." Okay mam, but you said you want marinara; that comes with meatballs." "Ey zknow; I vant zeee meeeeetzballz!"...For the love of everything on this earth that is holy (including push pops), WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?! Well in case you're curious, we gave her her stinking meatball sub...with American cheese (funny right?)..some lettuce...spinach (which she informed me that she had never had...the 1 thing I actually understood)..and some mustard (mustard is Satan's hand sanitizer..I HATE it!) I would like to say that the woman was still adorable though; I like that America is a melting pot..well I guess now we could probably call it a pyrex bowl in a microwave; melting pot seems outdated. So work was fun, but it CRAMPED my style...so I couldn't run..that's right I didn't run! God save the queen!

After work, the love of my life (okay 2nd love of my life, honey bunches of oats is first) was waiting for me outside of Subway, and we went to grandma's for pizza. I didn't eat any (see the previous paragraph for lack of running), but I did have a marvelous salad with a beautiful array of delicious toppings (including some piece of dried fruit that may have been rat poo..colin and I couldn't figure out what it was..am I still a vegetarian if I eat rat poo?). But at grandma's, she took the liberty of folding her panties in front of all of us. REAL LIFE GRANNY PANTIES!! I thought about sending them to the Smithsonian, but she seemed pretty attached. And anytime grandma walks...we're testing fate. I left grandma's without her panties (oo dirty!), and Colin and I went to JCPenney and bought the most beautiful shirt in the world!! The Beatles..LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS!

I love life. Quote of the day by nipple knower, "Did Bon Jovi win American Idol?"

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room." Winston Churchill

Who wants some diet cream soda?
I did. So I went to Kroger and bought it. This Kroger adventure (probably like the fifth of the day because Kroger is like heaven's waiting room) came after a 4H meeting with my little sister. My little sister's brain is like a bouncy ball that has been thrown into an empty room so someone has to go with her in order to take notes on the important information. This meeting was delightful; I really honestly wish I would have done 4H in school. Anyways, there was the cutest little girl at this 4H meeting, and today was her turn to give her demonstration. As if this child was not cute enough, she had a lisp. Most people make fun of lisps; I ENVY them. My mom wanted to name me Shelly Sue Shellabarger..in which case I probably would have had a lisp, I despise the fact that she did not. And not only was she an adorable girl with a lisp, but her demonstration was on SUGAR cookieS. Imagine how many times she said SUGAR. It was beautiful. I tried to steal her, but her mom hit me in the kneecaps with her phanny pack. My plan was foiled, so I washed away my sorrow with diet cream soda.

Other than 4H, I made up an awesome game today. It's called "I Really Hope That's Strawberry Jelly." I won, thank goodness. This game started around my nap time. See, I got up at the titty of dawn again to run before I constructed an array of delicious deli sandwiches, so I was a tiny bit tired by 5:30 this afternoon. I laid down for my nap, but I have this stupid habit of falling asleep to the show Cold Case Files on A&E. What's the last image you want to see before you sleep? I should be picking a pink bunny dancing with a small child with a lisp, but for some reason I chose the image of a human being who has had horrid things done to them. Anyways, I guess it's important that you know I had a peanut butter sandwich with strawberry jelly from a squeezable jar for dinner. So, I sleep. I woke up from a nightmare and noticed a giant red spot covering my left arm and the image of a mutilated human being on the TV. I instantly thought I had been stabbed, and I was about to die a slow painful death. But instead of screaming for help, I fell back asleep. And that was the game, I just hoped it was strawberry jelly, and I'm alive to type this blog, so I guess I won. But I would really not advice anyone to play this game; It's quite careless.

Now I must help nipple knower with her homework.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

"He looks like a cotton pickin' dork!" Todd Shellabarger

Happy May 10th,
Did you know on May 10th, 1842 Ramen noodles were invented by a Samuari in an Indonesian cave who had only a Swiss Army knife and a hair follicle? That's a lie...and I hate Ramen noodles. Anyways, today was quite an eventful day. See, I had my first day at Subway today; I worked 10-2. I knew I had to work, so I obviously wanted to run before because who honestly wants to run 5 miles after constructing several sub sandwiches filled with cold meat and veggies (and sometimes meatballs and chicken breasts). I got up this morning at 6:45...I had time to break the rooster's neck before it crowed and woke the whole darn neighborhood up. I ran my five miles fart-free...GLORY! But now I am paying for it because I have an atomic bomb rumbling in my belly.

After I ran, I ate a banana.

So work, I love Subway. It's such a wonderful place. You know why it's wonderful? Because you not only get a delicious, nutritious, vegelicious (made that up) meal, but you also get wonderful aroma that seems to seep into your clothes. I'm not sure why Bath and Body Works hasn't bottled it yet. I definitely will have to shelve my "black raspberry vanilla" body mist for the summer because "Spicy Italian on Wheat with everything but green peppers and honey mustard" is a much better scent...AND IT'S FREE..IT'S IN THE AIR!! God Bless America!

After work, nipple knower, Jenny, and I went to the lake to write poetry. She wrote about seashells; I wrote about cannabalistic serial killers in the Wal-Mart parking lot. But it was a good bonding experience and I love her. I really do...despite the times you may hear me screaming at her...those are screams of love!

Let me tell you about my dinner before I go...stinking vegetarian chicken breasts, sweet potato fries (that were baked of course cuz my belly and fried food get along about as well as John Cena and Batista..I'm watching Raw with the most lovely man in the world, my dad..LIE..well he is watching too but Colin is much more lovely), green beans, and a pear. If Jesus were a vegetarian, that would have been The Last Supper.

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

More Than 2500 Left Handed People Are Killed Every Year From Using Right Handed Products: Do They Make Left Handed Toilet Paper?

Happy Mother's Day,

Speaking of which, I am pretty sure a lady at Dollar General today thought I was the mother of my 9 year old sister (I'm 19). See Jenny, or "Knower of the Nipples" (you're really becoming intrigued on why men have nipples aren't you?), was being what I call a boob in the store, meaning she was touching all this crap that she shouldn't be touching and just being an annoying piece of garbage. So like the good citizen I am, I grabbed the top of her head and said, "Hey BOOB! Quit being a BOOB!" and this woman looked at me and said, "Happy Mother's Day, ay?" I was like, "Uhh yea...you too." That was about as awkward as the time I was de-pantsed in front of the wrestling team my sophomore year (when I was chunky) and proceeded to say, "O what a breeze!" instead of pulling them up.

Anyways, so today was Mother's Day, and let me just say I have the greatest mother in the world. She just rocks..and that's really all I can say. It's something I can't even joke about because she is JUST THAT KICKIN!

At church this morning, we did communion. Can I just say that I really enjoy going to church. Since I am on my "no joking" kick, I am going to tell you that church is so liberating...in a constricting sort of way. So many people who genuinely care about each other is really hard to come by these days, and it is such a breath of fresh air. EWWW, I was serious for like five whole sentances...let's stop. Back to communion...in past communions, we have had this chiclet looking piece of bread. I'm sure it made me constipated even though it was the size of a chiclet. Basically, I think that someone ordered special communion bread and when it got shipped to the church, they accidently put the packing peanuts in the bowls instead. But today ladies and gentlemen, WE GOT REAL BREAD! Like I wanted to eat the whole basket...now call me blasphemous for complaining about communion bread, but eating a chiclet size packing peanut is not the best thing at 10:22 in the morning. Maybe if I had a rice sized piece of cheese to go on my chiclet sized packing peanut...I don't know...but I do hope that this real bread thing carries on...because I don't like to be constipated.

I also baked today. While were on the topic of religion, I am a religious baker. I am a giant, athletic she-man, but I freaking love to bake. I have realized that my arch nemesis in life is flour. It is the most annoying baking element in the world. At least when I drop an egg, it looks cool. It like oozes out of the cracks, and you can't really clean it up. So when nipple knower comes sprinting into the kitchen and hits the slippery patch, she wipes out like a grandma without a walker on a sheet of ice. Flour, on the other hand, just gets all over. Aside from looking like snow, it's stupid. I hate flour. That's that. So if you want to get my a Christmas, Hannukah, or Kwanza (I am an equal oppurtunity holiday celebrater) present....DO NOT GET ME FLOUR!

K thanks. I must get up at the squiggle of dawn so I can get my five miles in before my first day at SUBWAY..eating fresh peeps!

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

Running Makes Me Have to Fart

Good Afternoon Poppets,

I thought I would change it up by blogging in the afternoon. I just spent three hours of my life swimming in the mess that is my room. And let me just tell you...after going through all my clothes, I am extremely surprised that I EVER had friends. We'll just say I found platform shoes, a "Mommy's Favorite Girl" shirt, and a belt that looked like it could have been seen as a prop on the Jerry Springer show I watched yesterday.

But this morning, mother, father, Jenny (the girl who knows why men have nipples), and I went to the YMCA for a morning workout. Brother, Eric, slept on the couch in our dining room that now smells like fish guts, vicks vapor rub, and Cheetos because he is an asthmatic fisherman who loves to eat, and he has taken over the room. So mother and I treadmilled while fater and Jen swam. Let's just talk about fathers in bathing suits really quick. It's quite traumatic when your dad has bigger boobs than you, but you have longer hair on your legs (I had a really busy week okay?)

Anyways, I realized the only awful thing about running today. Running makes me have to fart. And they aren't nice "2 seconds of stink" farts...o no...they are "linger til your eyes water" farts. They aren't a problem when I am solo, but there are usually people there. So I have developed a concept that I am trying to patent. It's called "The Art of Farting While on the Tread Mill." The first, and possibly most important, step is to find a tread mill beside someone who looks like they could be a stinky farter. That way everyone around you will think it's them. I chose the old man who sweats like a banshee. Secondly, make sure you remove your head phones or turn down your IPod when releasing the gas. Farting conspicuously is difficult when people can hear it...so make sure you don't RIP it when you can't hear whether it is loud. And thirdly, once the stinky fart has permeated the air, scrunch up your nose a little and kind of look around like you want to know who did it (just make sure you don't fall off the tread mill...I learned the hard way that this is the hardest step to master.) If you look like you want to know who did it, the little old woman on the stationary bike behind you will assume the stinky old man beside you is the one who made the weight room smell like a rotten pizza buffet in a nursing home bathroom. I believe I have mastered this skill, but now that I have revealed my secrets...I guess everyone knows I'm the stinky one...so if you work out at the YMCA and it's really stinky and I'm there...YES..IT WAS ME..woooh..now I feel so much better.

Well everyone...it's time for dinner...well almost...peanut butter and banana sandwich and a sweet potato..YUMMM

Keep Letting It Be,
Em

On Average, There are 178 Sesame Seeds on Each Big Mac Bun

Hello Everyone (minus Oprah, the Pope, and Barack Obama for I am not worthy enough for them to read my blogs...yet),

Today is a glorious day! Why..you ask? Well my dear friends, I officially moved out of my dorm. EVERYTHING IS GONE..well minus the excessive amount of Honey Bunches of Oats crumbs I left all over the place (I really hope we don't get fined for them!). One may wonder why exactly is this 19 year old girl excited to leave solitude of her air conditioned dorm to be confined in a hot, old house with a 9 year old who swears up and down that she knows every piece of information ever able to be known (including why men have nipples). I'm excited because that means I'm done with school for the summer, so I actually have time to BLOG!! So here begins my promise...a blog a day (like Julie...you know from "Julie and Julia" except I won't be eating Chicken a la Turd and all those other disgusting French recipes.)

So here begins your daily dose of Emily for May 7th, 2010. I promise you will be amused if you promise to read :) Alright, so this morning I wake up...like most people do I guess...I really do promise I will amuse you. Anways, I had clothes from my dorm to Abraham (my car..for those of you who haven't read previous blogs); it was enough clothes to create one of those awesome giant parachutes that we used to use in gym class...as a matter of fact, I would probably walk around naked just to turn my clothes into one of those parachutes. So, I was sweating like my brother when he ties his shoes by the time I got to lunch. It was Colin and I's last lunch together for the year in Marbeck...I cried like a baby...NOT...I wasn't happy...I wasn't sad. Because I am just going to eat the same thing everyday at home...just like I ate the same thing everyday in Marbek. A hummus sandwich..an apple...golden grahams...and a cookie. I am a creature of habit.

My afternoon was ever so boring, so I decided to run. I run everyday so it wasn't really a decision. I get to the YMCA and head for the locker room so I can put my keys in locker #13 (steal Abraham...I dare you!) Once I am in the weight room, I do my 2:13 stretch/walk routine on the second treadmill, and then I set off for my five miles. I usually watch Oprah; no one makes you want to run five miles more than Oprah...well except for Dr. Phil ("This is gonna be a changing day in your life!") I forgot to turn it on Oprah before I started running, but I got something even better...JERRY SPRINGER. Can I just tell you how much fun it is to watch Jerry Springer in closed captioning...here is a sample of what some of the closed captioning looked like..."You [bleeping] dirty midget loving [bleep]. I hope your [bleeping] [bleep] falls off inside that [bleeping] [bleep]'s [bleep]." It was so great. It was like playing Mad Libs with midgets and chunky people. Anyways, my mom calls at about the 2 mile mark to tell me there are tornado watches (yes...I answer the phone while running.) The sky looked extremely wicked...I was kind of scared. The YMCA weightroom has like 9 windows right in front of the treadmills. It's both a blessing and a curse. It's wonderful to be able to watch birds feed their young and dandelions grow while running. But it is also very embarassing for everyone in the parking lot to be able to see me sweating my nonexistent balls off. But just as I hang up the phone, a tornado touched down about 100 yards from the windows. It grabbed a yoga mat out of an elderly woman's hand and threw it through the window to knock out the man on the treadmill beside me. Ok that didn't really happen, but wouldn't that have been awesome?!

O man! It felt so good to blog again! Here's to an amazing summer!

Keep Letting it Be,
Em