Good evening friends with benefits,
Friday, I plucked 2 of my grandma's chin hairs. It was exhilarating. I love my grandma with all of my heart, but I must say, she makes me scared poopless to grow old. She asked me to get these two hairs off her chin because they had been bothering her for a while. "Sure grandma, I'll rip out 2 of your chin hairs." I was excited to help grandma...until I got closer to her chin...2 hairs?!?!?! MORE LIKE 200...if I wasn't in my grandma's living room, I would have thought I was looking at Willie Nelson...they say ignorance is bliss...but I really don't want to be walking around with a hairy chin in 80 years. I just hope I plucked the right 2.
I'm currently watching "Sonny with a Chance" with my little sister. "Emmie, remember how Demi Levato died her hair black? Well, it's brown again." "O cool Jenny. You don't know the capital of Ohio, but you know Demi Levato's hair color...our school systems are really excelling." She made me realize something very important though. Wherever I go, whatever I do, I want EVERY girl between the ages of 6-15 to know every aspect about me. "Did you guys here Emily used 3 sheets of toilet paper today?!"
Sometimes I think that the most interesting people in the entire world reside in Northwest Ohio. Exhibit A) We were having a garage sale on Friday (yea, you should have bought my stuff because you could sell it on Ebay when I'm famous). This has nothing to do with the story I'm about to tell, but Paula Dean's skinny twim shopped at my garage sale..she bought a pair of kneepads and a wreath. Anyways, this pale preteen boy rode by on his bicycle and said, "O a sweeper. Can I buy it?" He then gave me three dollars and rode away on his bicycle. I gave him the dirt from my dorm for free. Exhibit B) Colin and I were in Meijer last night getting a raincheck on Tidy Cat, and I saw a woman whom I thought was Sinead O' Connor. She was dawning the usual post 10 pm Meijer outfit (a wife beater and cut off jean shorts), so her calfs were right there just asking for me to look at them. On her left calf was THE GREATEST TATOO EVER! Was it a cross? NO. Was it a life motto? NO. Was it a Twinkie? NO, but OK I lied, it was the second best tattoo ever. It was a rainbow..but not just any rainbow...it was a rainbow with a teddy bear wearing scuba gear under it. God Bless America.
This last section of my blog is used to honor my ultra talented cousin. Her voice makes Whitney Houston (pre-crack Whitney) sound like a car muffler with a dead kitten in it. So if you would like to hear the most beautiful singing voice in the world...check this out people!! (I figure if I don't get famous, she will, and I can ride her shirt tail into stardom!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zx5ctICBO0w
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I'm Gonna Give All My Secrets Away
O hey guys,
Long time no speak! Miss me? That's ok...neither do my dogs when I go to school. Anyways, this blog is going to be of a different format. The beginning will be normal....but the second half will be a bit deeper (more serious Emily), so I understand if you want to quit reading after the lighter half...because the second half may be the equivalent of seeing your mom naked (you probably won't look at me the same after you read it).
So I think I have a disease. I diagnosed myself with KMMPS. It's a horrible disease that interferes with my everyday life. It especially ruins my grocery shopping time. KMMPS is short for, "Kroger Makes Me Poop Syndrome." You see, I will be minding my own business, looking at frozen vegan dinners, and WAM BAM UNCLE SAM..my intestines feel like they are going to explode all over Aisle 8 (thank goodness the toilet paper aisle is right beside the frozen dinner aisle). For a normal human being, this wouldn't be a giant problem...but I also suffer from PBSTHOOMS. "Public Bathrooms Scare The Heck Out Of Me Syndrome," causes me to break out into a cold sweat and sing random show tunes so using the bathroom at Kroger is NOT an option.
Because of this, I can't even pick out my dang meal..I just sprint to produce and grab a sweet potato. Then, I do self check out and book it to my car. Here, the pain begins. You know that feeling when you wait until the LAST possible minute to relieve yourself? Well, I deal with that for about 4.5 minutes because the traffic gods set up the most ANNOYING 3 lights in all of St. Marys on the road to my house. All that stands between me and porcelain relief are traffic lights that are timed so that you must stop at every one of them. I know someone up there is getting a real kick out of watching me have poop trembles at every light. There is, however, always a fitting song on the radio during my misery. Today, it was "Jesus Take the Wheel." Fitting.."Jesus take the wheel. Take if from my hands 'cuz I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go" because I need to hold my pants! God Bless America.
SPOILER ALERT: I'm bout to get surious!!
Life has been sooo turbulent for me the past 2 years or so. I wouldn't trade a second of it for anything because every laugh, every relationship (or lack there of), every tear, and every Marbeck meal (k not TOTALLY serious) has made me the person I am today. Most of you who read this probably know me life you know a Babe Ruth candy bar. I look DELICIOUS and fairly normal on the outside..but inside..I'm NUTS! Basically what I am trying to say is even if you don't think you had an impact on me...you did. And I may not be perfect, I understand that now more than ever, but I'm Emily Eileen Shellabarger. And there isn't a darn person who can be Emily Eileen Shellabarger better! (except for maybe my sister..she does GREAT impressions). I just love you...that's all.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Long time no speak! Miss me? That's ok...neither do my dogs when I go to school. Anyways, this blog is going to be of a different format. The beginning will be normal....but the second half will be a bit deeper (more serious Emily), so I understand if you want to quit reading after the lighter half...because the second half may be the equivalent of seeing your mom naked (you probably won't look at me the same after you read it).
So I think I have a disease. I diagnosed myself with KMMPS. It's a horrible disease that interferes with my everyday life. It especially ruins my grocery shopping time. KMMPS is short for, "Kroger Makes Me Poop Syndrome." You see, I will be minding my own business, looking at frozen vegan dinners, and WAM BAM UNCLE SAM..my intestines feel like they are going to explode all over Aisle 8 (thank goodness the toilet paper aisle is right beside the frozen dinner aisle). For a normal human being, this wouldn't be a giant problem...but I also suffer from PBSTHOOMS. "Public Bathrooms Scare The Heck Out Of Me Syndrome," causes me to break out into a cold sweat and sing random show tunes so using the bathroom at Kroger is NOT an option.
Because of this, I can't even pick out my dang meal..I just sprint to produce and grab a sweet potato. Then, I do self check out and book it to my car. Here, the pain begins. You know that feeling when you wait until the LAST possible minute to relieve yourself? Well, I deal with that for about 4.5 minutes because the traffic gods set up the most ANNOYING 3 lights in all of St. Marys on the road to my house. All that stands between me and porcelain relief are traffic lights that are timed so that you must stop at every one of them. I know someone up there is getting a real kick out of watching me have poop trembles at every light. There is, however, always a fitting song on the radio during my misery. Today, it was "Jesus Take the Wheel." Fitting.."Jesus take the wheel. Take if from my hands 'cuz I can't do this on my own. I'm letting go" because I need to hold my pants! God Bless America.
SPOILER ALERT: I'm bout to get surious!!
Life has been sooo turbulent for me the past 2 years or so. I wouldn't trade a second of it for anything because every laugh, every relationship (or lack there of), every tear, and every Marbeck meal (k not TOTALLY serious) has made me the person I am today. Most of you who read this probably know me life you know a Babe Ruth candy bar. I look DELICIOUS and fairly normal on the outside..but inside..I'm NUTS! Basically what I am trying to say is even if you don't think you had an impact on me...you did. And I may not be perfect, I understand that now more than ever, but I'm Emily Eileen Shellabarger. And there isn't a darn person who can be Emily Eileen Shellabarger better! (except for maybe my sister..she does GREAT impressions). I just love you...that's all.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Monday, August 9, 2010
Would you like to share my toasted cheese?
Holla,
I worked today...for the first time in 3 days. O Subway, I missed thee. However, I do have a bit of venting to do. I would like to vent about the patrons I would like to call "Picky, Picky Princesses." Don't get me wrong, I respect and appreciate people who can't stand sauces or lettuce or peppers (I HATE MAYO...if Satan bathes, he uses mayo for soap). These are not the people I am addressing. PPP's are people who think that they deserve the GREATEST veggies on Earth...veggies that grow in the buttcrack of sunshine. I NEVER put pickle or banana pepper butts onto subs, I always toss brown lettuce, and I never use a green tomato...so DON'T YOU DARE criticize the vegetables I do use.
So the most Picky, Picky Princess of them all came in tonight; she is a frequent customer, so I thought I was prepared. Well it turns out she was deemed the Queen of Pickiness before she came in, so she was in rare form tonight. "Your tomatoes look skinny; I think you should get out different ones." "You really skimp on the onions." "Keep the sub on the paper, so I get the vegetables that you dropped off my sub."
OKAY!! First of all, SOMEONE HAS TO GET THE SKINNY TOMATOES!! And sorry mam, today it's you..They taste EXACTLY the same. I'll give you 6 instead of 5..RELAX!! O my bad, I forgot the 11th Commandment was, "Thou shalt not put skinny tomatoes on a sub."
Secondly, I did not SKIMP on your onions. I put the amount I was supposed to! If you would have said "EXTRA", it would have been skimpy. BUT NOOOOO, you were so busy worrying about the "skinny tomatoes" that you forgot to say "EXTRA." "O, OK, you want more onions...HERE is enough onions to fill the void in your heart that causes you to come in and terrorize me!"
Thirdly, if you would have just let me put the "skinny tomatoes" on...your other veggies wouldn't have fallen off :)
I am more than willing to make your sub eating experience comparable to the joy you will feel on your wedding day, but it kind of tickles my pickles when you try to tell me how to do my job. I am the certified sandwich artist..you, Picky Picky Princesses, are simply tomato hating, onion judging, stingymonsters. So if you think I'm being stingy, buy a pig, grow a garden, kill the pig, pick the veggies, watch Jeopardy (that's just a good show), milk a cow full of honey mustard (they make those you know?), mug Aunt Millie, and MAKE YOUR OWN SUB!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
I worked today...for the first time in 3 days. O Subway, I missed thee. However, I do have a bit of venting to do. I would like to vent about the patrons I would like to call "Picky, Picky Princesses." Don't get me wrong, I respect and appreciate people who can't stand sauces or lettuce or peppers (I HATE MAYO...if Satan bathes, he uses mayo for soap). These are not the people I am addressing. PPP's are people who think that they deserve the GREATEST veggies on Earth...veggies that grow in the buttcrack of sunshine. I NEVER put pickle or banana pepper butts onto subs, I always toss brown lettuce, and I never use a green tomato...so DON'T YOU DARE criticize the vegetables I do use.
So the most Picky, Picky Princess of them all came in tonight; she is a frequent customer, so I thought I was prepared. Well it turns out she was deemed the Queen of Pickiness before she came in, so she was in rare form tonight. "Your tomatoes look skinny; I think you should get out different ones." "You really skimp on the onions." "Keep the sub on the paper, so I get the vegetables that you dropped off my sub."
OKAY!! First of all, SOMEONE HAS TO GET THE SKINNY TOMATOES!! And sorry mam, today it's you..They taste EXACTLY the same. I'll give you 6 instead of 5..RELAX!! O my bad, I forgot the 11th Commandment was, "Thou shalt not put skinny tomatoes on a sub."
Secondly, I did not SKIMP on your onions. I put the amount I was supposed to! If you would have said "EXTRA", it would have been skimpy. BUT NOOOOO, you were so busy worrying about the "skinny tomatoes" that you forgot to say "EXTRA." "O, OK, you want more onions...HERE is enough onions to fill the void in your heart that causes you to come in and terrorize me!"
Thirdly, if you would have just let me put the "skinny tomatoes" on...your other veggies wouldn't have fallen off :)
I am more than willing to make your sub eating experience comparable to the joy you will feel on your wedding day, but it kind of tickles my pickles when you try to tell me how to do my job. I am the certified sandwich artist..you, Picky Picky Princesses, are simply tomato hating, onion judging, stingymonsters. So if you think I'm being stingy, buy a pig, grow a garden, kill the pig, pick the veggies, watch Jeopardy (that's just a good show), milk a cow full of honey mustard (they make those you know?), mug Aunt Millie, and MAKE YOUR OWN SUB!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Monday, August 2, 2010
Jenny...The Becoming of a Woman
Friends, Relatives, Kidney Stones, and Colin,
Good news...Jenny is now wearing a bra! Why is this good news you ask...well, it means that I have an eye patch in case I sustain a serious eye injury at home or want to dress up as a pirate for Halloween. It basically looks like two Mcdonalds napkins held together by floss. If I wore it, I would have two black eyes and ten times less dignity, but it's really special to her. It also gives me one more object to grab on to when she is about to get hit by a car in the parking lot of Kroger...I think it really hurts her when I grab her ponytail.
I don't know if I have ever told you, but I LOVE SWEET POTATOES..tos..toes..who knows? I love them for a variety of reasons...1) they are orange..orange vegetables are like little bits of sunshine (I love carrots too!)...2) they are cheap. ONE DOLLAR with my KROGER PLUS CARD!!...3) my brother hates them...so I know they will always be waiting patiently for me on the counter and 4) I CAN SALT THEM. I have developed this odd obsession with salt lately. I literally have a salt shaker in my room....I keep it in my chair. It fell down the cushion yesterday, and I had a small panic attack because I thought it was gone forever. I salt my potatoes..I salt my lean pockets..I salt my grilled cheese...I salt my pajamas...hell I salt my extra salted popcorn! It's probably unhealthy, but so is smoking..and I don't smoke..so I have the slack to salt my salt!
I am entering my last two weeks of Subway...at least of fairly constant work at Subway. For those of you who haven't had a small bite of Heaven, you may want to stop by before the thirteenth (my last day). For those of you who won't be able to stop by or don't live close enough to come to my Subway, I would like to give you rules that you must always hold your sandwich artist to:
1) The cheese slices are friends, not lovers. They should be close to each other...but not so close they overlap. There is NO NEED for an extra cheesy bite in the middle, but no cheese at the ends.
2) For those of you who are vegetarians, the lettuce IS THE MEAT of our subs. That means 2 tablespoons of lettuce does NOT cut it...demand what you deserve!!
3) Jalapenos should NEVER be stacked. Who wants their bumwhole to burn when they digest a double jalapenoed bite?
4) Sauce should be distributed from end to end. Lazy stripes mean bland bites. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!! MAYO!!
and most importantly.............
5) Extra means extra. If the artist puts too much on, you can always pick it off. However, very few people have a head of lettuce in their pocket to add more if there is not enough (I carry beets, not lettuce).
Just remember..you are paying 5 dollars...you deserve nothing less than the best.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Good news...Jenny is now wearing a bra! Why is this good news you ask...well, it means that I have an eye patch in case I sustain a serious eye injury at home or want to dress up as a pirate for Halloween. It basically looks like two Mcdonalds napkins held together by floss. If I wore it, I would have two black eyes and ten times less dignity, but it's really special to her. It also gives me one more object to grab on to when she is about to get hit by a car in the parking lot of Kroger...I think it really hurts her when I grab her ponytail.
I don't know if I have ever told you, but I LOVE SWEET POTATOES..tos..toes..who knows? I love them for a variety of reasons...1) they are orange..orange vegetables are like little bits of sunshine (I love carrots too!)...2) they are cheap. ONE DOLLAR with my KROGER PLUS CARD!!...3) my brother hates them...so I know they will always be waiting patiently for me on the counter and 4) I CAN SALT THEM. I have developed this odd obsession with salt lately. I literally have a salt shaker in my room....I keep it in my chair. It fell down the cushion yesterday, and I had a small panic attack because I thought it was gone forever. I salt my potatoes..I salt my lean pockets..I salt my grilled cheese...I salt my pajamas...hell I salt my extra salted popcorn! It's probably unhealthy, but so is smoking..and I don't smoke..so I have the slack to salt my salt!
I am entering my last two weeks of Subway...at least of fairly constant work at Subway. For those of you who haven't had a small bite of Heaven, you may want to stop by before the thirteenth (my last day). For those of you who won't be able to stop by or don't live close enough to come to my Subway, I would like to give you rules that you must always hold your sandwich artist to:
1) The cheese slices are friends, not lovers. They should be close to each other...but not so close they overlap. There is NO NEED for an extra cheesy bite in the middle, but no cheese at the ends.
2) For those of you who are vegetarians, the lettuce IS THE MEAT of our subs. That means 2 tablespoons of lettuce does NOT cut it...demand what you deserve!!
3) Jalapenos should NEVER be stacked. Who wants their bumwhole to burn when they digest a double jalapenoed bite?
4) Sauce should be distributed from end to end. Lazy stripes mean bland bites. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!! MAYO!!
and most importantly.............
5) Extra means extra. If the artist puts too much on, you can always pick it off. However, very few people have a head of lettuce in their pocket to add more if there is not enough (I carry beets, not lettuce).
Just remember..you are paying 5 dollars...you deserve nothing less than the best.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Everyone who is not ME, KERRI, BRENDA, or...DANIELLE..i think..are NOT champions!
Hello NON champions,
Today, I put my basketball shoes back on. It was liberating. Basketball and I have an odd relationship. We broke up around October, but I am still madly in love with it. However, it hurts me. It hurts my joints and my schedule...so we just can't make it work. BUT, I still get to do Gus Mackers sooooo we're kind of "friends with benefits" you could say.
Anyways...we played in a Gus Macker today. We being Kerri Imwalle, a friend from high school, Brenda, and Danielle (2 of Kerri's friends..I didn't know their names til the third game). For those of you who don't know what Gus Mackers are, I will give a brief explanation. They are basketball tournaments where all bets are off basically. No blood, no foul...unless you call it. Which when it comes to women, becomes the SCARIEST part of the tournament. Men are all like, "ME MAN. ME HAVE PRIDE. ME NO CALL FOULS!" Women are like, "I am a civilized individual and this girl just graced my nipple..FOUL!"
We played four games. The first game was against a bunch of fairly older women. I think half of them were going through menopause. Not because they looked old, but because they were CRANKY! O but we beat them...then they went back to the nursing home...KIDDING..I think they were just getting lunch. The next team turned the crankiness up 500. Think of your mom in the morning..now picture yourself dropping your whole box of Honey Bunches of Oats on the floor...now think of your mom coming down stairs into the kitchen just in time to see you sweeping all the cereal into the basement because you're too lazy to get the dust pan out...that's how cranky this team was. Not only were they cranky, but they were TATT TATT TATTED UP! I'm glad I made it out alive...and with a victory.
The third team was a breath of fresh air. They had school buses on their shirts...I think I missed the joke. This game was AMAZING because it was POURING down rain. As a matter of fact, I was knocked into a giant puddle at one point, and I began to yell, "BEACHED WHALE! BEACHED WHALE!" And did I mention...these girls were sophomores in high school? No one signed up for their age bracket...so they got the priveledge of being spanked by our awesomeness.
The only fun thing about the last team...we beat them. They were tattooless...normal looking...no anger management issues..they all had hair long enough for ponytails...and they were our age...BORING. But we won..OOO..and we got the sportsmanship award. I think that was because I didn't punch the 45 year old woman in the face after she ripped off 3/4 of the skin on my right arm.
At Subway the other day, a man asked for a breakfast sub. I responded, "Would you like me to put egg white or egg whole on it?" He heard, "Would you like egg whites or my 'A' hole on it?" Even though he asked...my 'A' whole was not put on his sub.
O..and at the Dollar Tree yesterday...I was asked if I was a boy or a girl by a NOT CUTE child...I'm a girl...in case you guys were confused.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Today, I put my basketball shoes back on. It was liberating. Basketball and I have an odd relationship. We broke up around October, but I am still madly in love with it. However, it hurts me. It hurts my joints and my schedule...so we just can't make it work. BUT, I still get to do Gus Mackers sooooo we're kind of "friends with benefits" you could say.
Anyways...we played in a Gus Macker today. We being Kerri Imwalle, a friend from high school, Brenda, and Danielle (2 of Kerri's friends..I didn't know their names til the third game). For those of you who don't know what Gus Mackers are, I will give a brief explanation. They are basketball tournaments where all bets are off basically. No blood, no foul...unless you call it. Which when it comes to women, becomes the SCARIEST part of the tournament. Men are all like, "ME MAN. ME HAVE PRIDE. ME NO CALL FOULS!" Women are like, "I am a civilized individual and this girl just graced my nipple..FOUL!"
We played four games. The first game was against a bunch of fairly older women. I think half of them were going through menopause. Not because they looked old, but because they were CRANKY! O but we beat them...then they went back to the nursing home...KIDDING..I think they were just getting lunch. The next team turned the crankiness up 500. Think of your mom in the morning..now picture yourself dropping your whole box of Honey Bunches of Oats on the floor...now think of your mom coming down stairs into the kitchen just in time to see you sweeping all the cereal into the basement because you're too lazy to get the dust pan out...that's how cranky this team was. Not only were they cranky, but they were TATT TATT TATTED UP! I'm glad I made it out alive...and with a victory.
The third team was a breath of fresh air. They had school buses on their shirts...I think I missed the joke. This game was AMAZING because it was POURING down rain. As a matter of fact, I was knocked into a giant puddle at one point, and I began to yell, "BEACHED WHALE! BEACHED WHALE!" And did I mention...these girls were sophomores in high school? No one signed up for their age bracket...so they got the priveledge of being spanked by our awesomeness.
The only fun thing about the last team...we beat them. They were tattooless...normal looking...no anger management issues..they all had hair long enough for ponytails...and they were our age...BORING. But we won..OOO..and we got the sportsmanship award. I think that was because I didn't punch the 45 year old woman in the face after she ripped off 3/4 of the skin on my right arm.
At Subway the other day, a man asked for a breakfast sub. I responded, "Would you like me to put egg white or egg whole on it?" He heard, "Would you like egg whites or my 'A' hole on it?" Even though he asked...my 'A' whole was not put on his sub.
O..and at the Dollar Tree yesterday...I was asked if I was a boy or a girl by a NOT CUTE child...I'm a girl...in case you guys were confused.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Sunday, July 25, 2010
"He will probably die a lonely man" THE Jenny Shellabarger
O hey guys!
Soooo today was absolutely splendid. First of all, I need to tell you that Moccasin (my fish) is currently doing the electric slide in his tank. I'm not joking...I think he is hungry. Anyways, I didn't work today which is much more depressing than it sounds. You see, I have found my place in this world. Subway, yes Subway, is my place in this world. I am surrounded by vegetables (and some meat..BLAHHH can't have everything) and cookies. I can talk to myself as a please, and I get to make children both happy and healthy (well except for the little girl who wants a footlong white bread with marinara and mayo..God Bless America).
We went to grandma's today. Grandma is my hero. We made her supper, and I went grocery shopping for her. Aside from her chronic pain and her bladder that is as unreliable as my dad's car (the trunk is held shut by a bungee cord..the car's trunk, not grandma's...grandma's is held shut with an adult diaper), she makes me want to get old. Why do you ask? Well, one look at her shopping list will tell us. Here it is folks, word for word:
1) 2 Plums
2) All Beef Hotdogs (MUST BE ALL BEEF)
3) Cookies
4) Gravy (the microwave kind from Bob Evans)
QUICK SIDENOTE: SWINGERS ON TLC...WAAAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!
5) Red Baron Single Slice Pizza
6) Cookies
7) Trashbags
8) Potato Skin Chips
That, my friends, will last her for a week. And yes, we did buy 2 boxes of cookies (1 oreo 1 Pecan Shortbread). Do you see any vegetables (2 plums..all week!), any bread, and ANY NUTRITIOUS FOOD AT ALL?!?! This is the woman who also has 36 Milky Ways in her fridge...hello menopause..I'm ready when you are!
When we returned, my sister had her rollerblades on. Grandma had given her the beautiful suggestion that we should let her hold a string and be pulled by her $1000 Hover Round that had never been used. I jumped at the oppurtunity. Picture this..I am sitting in a Hover Round (which is obviously set at the fastest setting) pulling my sister who is holding on to a piece of yellow yarn tied to the chair. She was having a blast and giggling like a toddler with a kitten............until I decided to off-road. I not only drove the Hover Round through grandma's backyard, but I decided to drive it through the alley as well (the alley that is full of stones...the kryptonite to roller blades).
Grandma knew she was going to have to pee in like a half hour, so we decided it was time to start heading in (we were in her driveway). While grandma was relieving herself, Eric, Jenny, and I decided to gang up on dad. It started with Eric pulling dad's arm hairs (one of my favorite past times). Then, I performed Nipple Annhilation (a titty twister from hell). Dad, however, countered that with a painful snake bite (don't call children's services..he's not that strong), and while he was distracted, Eric went for the grand finale. AN ATOMIC WEDGIE. Just to add insult to injury, I gave dad a Wet Willy while he was trying to make his bum and underwear 2 seperate items again. All the while, grandma was yelling at us to "quick pickin on your dad. he's a nice man." Thanks grandma.....but you take a snake bit from him and tell me how you feel!
I decided I wanted to go to clown school today. It's a 30 week course and costs $1500, so I am going to have to make a decision...Grad school..or clown school...opinions would be appreciated. However, I was trying to find my clown niche today, and I discovered one of the most exciting things to do. It was more fun than jump roping on a rainbow (I've done it). I decided that maybe I should juggle cotton balls as a clown...really..I was taking a poo on the toilet and was curious if I could juggle cotton balls...cotton balls are kind of light though, so I got it wet to see it that would make it easier. Instead of juggling them, I decided to chuck them at the shower wall. OMGshness....Go to your bathroom right now and throw wet cotton balls at the shower wall. You can thank me later.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Soooo today was absolutely splendid. First of all, I need to tell you that Moccasin (my fish) is currently doing the electric slide in his tank. I'm not joking...I think he is hungry. Anyways, I didn't work today which is much more depressing than it sounds. You see, I have found my place in this world. Subway, yes Subway, is my place in this world. I am surrounded by vegetables (and some meat..BLAHHH can't have everything) and cookies. I can talk to myself as a please, and I get to make children both happy and healthy (well except for the little girl who wants a footlong white bread with marinara and mayo..God Bless America).
We went to grandma's today. Grandma is my hero. We made her supper, and I went grocery shopping for her. Aside from her chronic pain and her bladder that is as unreliable as my dad's car (the trunk is held shut by a bungee cord..the car's trunk, not grandma's...grandma's is held shut with an adult diaper), she makes me want to get old. Why do you ask? Well, one look at her shopping list will tell us. Here it is folks, word for word:
1) 2 Plums
2) All Beef Hotdogs (MUST BE ALL BEEF)
3) Cookies
4) Gravy (the microwave kind from Bob Evans)
QUICK SIDENOTE: SWINGERS ON TLC...WAAAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!
5) Red Baron Single Slice Pizza
6) Cookies
7) Trashbags
8) Potato Skin Chips
That, my friends, will last her for a week. And yes, we did buy 2 boxes of cookies (1 oreo 1 Pecan Shortbread). Do you see any vegetables (2 plums..all week!), any bread, and ANY NUTRITIOUS FOOD AT ALL?!?! This is the woman who also has 36 Milky Ways in her fridge...hello menopause..I'm ready when you are!
When we returned, my sister had her rollerblades on. Grandma had given her the beautiful suggestion that we should let her hold a string and be pulled by her $1000 Hover Round that had never been used. I jumped at the oppurtunity. Picture this..I am sitting in a Hover Round (which is obviously set at the fastest setting) pulling my sister who is holding on to a piece of yellow yarn tied to the chair. She was having a blast and giggling like a toddler with a kitten............until I decided to off-road. I not only drove the Hover Round through grandma's backyard, but I decided to drive it through the alley as well (the alley that is full of stones...the kryptonite to roller blades).
Grandma knew she was going to have to pee in like a half hour, so we decided it was time to start heading in (we were in her driveway). While grandma was relieving herself, Eric, Jenny, and I decided to gang up on dad. It started with Eric pulling dad's arm hairs (one of my favorite past times). Then, I performed Nipple Annhilation (a titty twister from hell). Dad, however, countered that with a painful snake bite (don't call children's services..he's not that strong), and while he was distracted, Eric went for the grand finale. AN ATOMIC WEDGIE. Just to add insult to injury, I gave dad a Wet Willy while he was trying to make his bum and underwear 2 seperate items again. All the while, grandma was yelling at us to "quick pickin on your dad. he's a nice man." Thanks grandma.....but you take a snake bit from him and tell me how you feel!
I decided I wanted to go to clown school today. It's a 30 week course and costs $1500, so I am going to have to make a decision...Grad school..or clown school...opinions would be appreciated. However, I was trying to find my clown niche today, and I discovered one of the most exciting things to do. It was more fun than jump roping on a rainbow (I've done it). I decided that maybe I should juggle cotton balls as a clown...really..I was taking a poo on the toilet and was curious if I could juggle cotton balls...cotton balls are kind of light though, so I got it wet to see it that would make it easier. Instead of juggling them, I decided to chuck them at the shower wall. OMGshness....Go to your bathroom right now and throw wet cotton balls at the shower wall. You can thank me later.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Life's About Finishing A Box of Jujyfruits at 11:30 PM
hi, o hey, wassup, HOLLA,
What are you doing here? I'm just reading a blog; what are YOU doing here? I'm writing a blog; no one asked you to come. Why wasn't I invited?
Gosh, I wish I was schizophrenic. Now before you go thinking, "That's horrible! Some people are actually schizophrenic and would love to be like you," let me finish. I wish I was schizophrenic for your sake. You see, I feel like when Emily was getting annoying...Tina and Marge (the other 2 personalities) would make sure she knew. Therefore, you would have all the entertainment of Emily minus the excessive elements that get annoying. Perfect right? Now does anyone know where I can get schizophrenia?
Anyways, in terms of real life, today was SLOOOOOWWWWW, slow like Queen Latifah on a moped. I woke up at 7:30 because I have "I can't sleep past 8 syndrome." I ate 1 cup of Honey Bunches of Oats (I have a complex), and I checked all the important sites (facebook, aol, my email, shirt.woot.com, and teefury). Once I realized no one was engaged (facebook), Lindsay Lohan made it through her strip search in jail (aol), Coldstone has 3 new summer flavors (my email), and I won't be getting a new shirt in 2 weeks (shirt.woot and teefury), I realized there is no purpose whatsoever to being awake. So, I cheated my syndrome and WENT BACK TO BED at 8:30. I dreamt i was on a soccer team with Colin and Kelly Ripa (Regis and Kelly was on TV when I woke up) and drooled all over my pillow....I either have a crush on Colin or Kelly Ripa (or maybe both).
In the afternoon, I got a Pecan Pie Blizzard. If angels can poop, I'm sure they poop out Pecan Pie Blizzards. If angels can't poop, I feel really sorry for them because a good poop can really make your day. Anyways, this blizzard was vanilla ice cream mixed with caramel sauce. That, my friends, is perfection in itself. The Dairy Queen employer (who should be knighted because this was so delicious) then puts pecans and little pieces of graham cracker crust into the frozen mass of caramel delight. So I ate this blizzard, then sat in my huge pile of guilt on the way home..HELLO FUPA...here I come!!
Colin and I went to a Locos game tonight. Lima, Ohio, is such a beautiful place. I saw a man wearing a baseball helmet (he was 65 and NOT on the team), a very boisterous man with a very fluffy beard and a bucket o' beer, and a woman who claimed to be selling $0.50 ice cream from her van that continuously played the "OOMPA LOOMPA" song. God Bless America.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
What are you doing here? I'm just reading a blog; what are YOU doing here? I'm writing a blog; no one asked you to come. Why wasn't I invited?
Gosh, I wish I was schizophrenic. Now before you go thinking, "That's horrible! Some people are actually schizophrenic and would love to be like you," let me finish. I wish I was schizophrenic for your sake. You see, I feel like when Emily was getting annoying...Tina and Marge (the other 2 personalities) would make sure she knew. Therefore, you would have all the entertainment of Emily minus the excessive elements that get annoying. Perfect right? Now does anyone know where I can get schizophrenia?
Anyways, in terms of real life, today was SLOOOOOWWWWW, slow like Queen Latifah on a moped. I woke up at 7:30 because I have "I can't sleep past 8 syndrome." I ate 1 cup of Honey Bunches of Oats (I have a complex), and I checked all the important sites (facebook, aol, my email, shirt.woot.com, and teefury). Once I realized no one was engaged (facebook), Lindsay Lohan made it through her strip search in jail (aol), Coldstone has 3 new summer flavors (my email), and I won't be getting a new shirt in 2 weeks (shirt.woot and teefury), I realized there is no purpose whatsoever to being awake. So, I cheated my syndrome and WENT BACK TO BED at 8:30. I dreamt i was on a soccer team with Colin and Kelly Ripa (Regis and Kelly was on TV when I woke up) and drooled all over my pillow....I either have a crush on Colin or Kelly Ripa (or maybe both).
In the afternoon, I got a Pecan Pie Blizzard. If angels can poop, I'm sure they poop out Pecan Pie Blizzards. If angels can't poop, I feel really sorry for them because a good poop can really make your day. Anyways, this blizzard was vanilla ice cream mixed with caramel sauce. That, my friends, is perfection in itself. The Dairy Queen employer (who should be knighted because this was so delicious) then puts pecans and little pieces of graham cracker crust into the frozen mass of caramel delight. So I ate this blizzard, then sat in my huge pile of guilt on the way home..HELLO FUPA...here I come!!
Colin and I went to a Locos game tonight. Lima, Ohio, is such a beautiful place. I saw a man wearing a baseball helmet (he was 65 and NOT on the team), a very boisterous man with a very fluffy beard and a bucket o' beer, and a woman who claimed to be selling $0.50 ice cream from her van that continuously played the "OOMPA LOOMPA" song. God Bless America.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
"I love these things."
Mammals who are capable of reading,
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!!! I'm blogging. You know what? I can't keep a bloody promise to save my life, so NO MORE PROMISES!
Anyways, I have been exceptionally busy this summer. I love me some sub making, so that really takes up the majority of my time. The good news for you..sub making creates quite entertaining stories. I have come to be what you may call "A Sub Master." This means I construct subs of excellence and beauty. However, like Tiger Woods and BP, I mess up occassionally. The good news is...people can only find out about my screw ups through my blog instead of Good Morning America and The New York Times.
Yesterday, Sarah and I were painfully busy...like busier than the showers in the ladies locker room at the Y after water aerobics. Therefore, we ran out of white bread. We had also been out of the new italian sausage for a few days because it was such a hot seller. A man came in and wanted italian bread. After we crushed his spirits by telling him we were out of his "normal bread," he asked for the italian sausage. "EXCUSE ME SIR..could you be more difficult?!?!" I thought he was going to shed a few tears, but he finally decided upon tuna......about that...Sarah says, "Emily, can you get me some tuna?" "Sure Sarah, I'll just grab it out of the...." TINA TURNER! There is none prepared in the cooler.
HAVE NO FEAR..EMILY THE SUB MASTER IS HERE...I decide this is my moment to shine. I dive into the cooler and grab the tuna pouch. I then proceed to frantically cover it in mayo, glove my hands, and delve my fingers into the gooey mass. In my intense tuna mixing, I seemed to cover the wall, the table, my face, the pens, my apron, and even the calculator in tuna. The kitchen looked like someone threw the Little Mermaid and a bunch of mayo into a blender without a lid. As sweat dripped from my brow and I grabbed a small container to rush the tuna of excellence to the front, I hear Sarah wrapping the sub......."O..sorry Emily...I made the tuna we had in the front work when I heard you grabbing all the stuff to make it." "That's fine Sarah, but you can come to my house tonight and wash the tuna from my hair and sports bra."
I do love my Subway though, and I have started to develop "The Subway/English Dictionary," which translates customer requests into real English..here are a few I have so far:
-"Brown Bread": Wheat Bread
-"Spicy Hot Cheese": Pepperjack cheese
-"9 Grain White Cheese Bread": I have never been to Subway before so I won't even notice what kind of bread you give me
-"Red Sauce": Marinara sauce (NOT HOT SAUCE..they will come back in 10 minutes later with a sub with 1 bite taken out of it to remind you of this)
-"Purple Pepper": Red Onions and Peppers
-"Dem Peppers that aint gonna make my eyes water": Banana peppers
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!!! I'm blogging. You know what? I can't keep a bloody promise to save my life, so NO MORE PROMISES!
Anyways, I have been exceptionally busy this summer. I love me some sub making, so that really takes up the majority of my time. The good news for you..sub making creates quite entertaining stories. I have come to be what you may call "A Sub Master." This means I construct subs of excellence and beauty. However, like Tiger Woods and BP, I mess up occassionally. The good news is...people can only find out about my screw ups through my blog instead of Good Morning America and The New York Times.
Yesterday, Sarah and I were painfully busy...like busier than the showers in the ladies locker room at the Y after water aerobics. Therefore, we ran out of white bread. We had also been out of the new italian sausage for a few days because it was such a hot seller. A man came in and wanted italian bread. After we crushed his spirits by telling him we were out of his "normal bread," he asked for the italian sausage. "EXCUSE ME SIR..could you be more difficult?!?!" I thought he was going to shed a few tears, but he finally decided upon tuna......about that...Sarah says, "Emily, can you get me some tuna?" "Sure Sarah, I'll just grab it out of the...." TINA TURNER! There is none prepared in the cooler.
HAVE NO FEAR..EMILY THE SUB MASTER IS HERE...I decide this is my moment to shine. I dive into the cooler and grab the tuna pouch. I then proceed to frantically cover it in mayo, glove my hands, and delve my fingers into the gooey mass. In my intense tuna mixing, I seemed to cover the wall, the table, my face, the pens, my apron, and even the calculator in tuna. The kitchen looked like someone threw the Little Mermaid and a bunch of mayo into a blender without a lid. As sweat dripped from my brow and I grabbed a small container to rush the tuna of excellence to the front, I hear Sarah wrapping the sub......."O..sorry Emily...I made the tuna we had in the front work when I heard you grabbing all the stuff to make it." "That's fine Sarah, but you can come to my house tonight and wash the tuna from my hair and sports bra."
I do love my Subway though, and I have started to develop "The Subway/English Dictionary," which translates customer requests into real English..here are a few I have so far:
-"Brown Bread": Wheat Bread
-"Spicy Hot Cheese": Pepperjack cheese
-"9 Grain White Cheese Bread": I have never been to Subway before so I won't even notice what kind of bread you give me
-"Red Sauce": Marinara sauce (NOT HOT SAUCE..they will come back in 10 minutes later with a sub with 1 bite taken out of it to remind you of this)
-"Purple Pepper": Red Onions and Peppers
-"Dem Peppers that aint gonna make my eyes water": Banana peppers
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Sunday, July 4, 2010
My Middle Name is "WORSTBLOGGEREVER"
Hello,
I suck. If sucking were a sport, I would have the gold medal at the Olympics. If sucking were legs, I would get a lot of funny looks because I would have like 304982039483 legs. I suck because I didn't blog for a gazillion years. I can't make excuses; I have just been so busy and tired. But I'm back, and I'M SO SORRY FOR SUCKING!
Anyways, I have some very interesting events coming in my life. Well, possible events. You see I emailed a woman approximately like 2 months ago about doing an open mic night at a comedy club. Well, I am apparently lower than clipping your toenails on her list of priorities because she just got back to me yesterday. She said I could come on Sunday July 25th, but I needed at least five guests. HMMM? I REALLY want to do it because I want to hold myself accountable to my goals and "dreams"..BAH! dreams! laugh...everyone always laughs at other peoples' dreams. I don't know..maybe I'll try. I'll keep you updated..unless I fail...then I will pretend like it never happened and join the convent and move to Indonesia and make lanyards for people who don't even have anything to put on them..it's a win win situation.
More exciting events...my giant cousin is getting married this weekend. And when I say giant, it's not a lie. He is six ten...as in if you took two Gary Coleman's and stacked two infants on top of them...they would be up to AJ's nipples! Anyways..he is marrying a beautiful, wonderful woman, and I am so very happy for them for two reasons 1) she is tall too...there is NOTHING more annoying than short women who steal tall men! There should be a law that you can only be 3 inches shorter than your date/husband/significant other..MAX...so us tall women don't have to go to prom with men who are 5'6''..you were a great date though ED!! and 2)Because of their marriage, I get to stay the night in a hotel room with my nine year old sister and eighty nine year old grandma. Yep, we're getting drunk....KIDDING!!! I just hope neither wets the bed.
STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
I suck. If sucking were a sport, I would have the gold medal at the Olympics. If sucking were legs, I would get a lot of funny looks because I would have like 304982039483 legs. I suck because I didn't blog for a gazillion years. I can't make excuses; I have just been so busy and tired. But I'm back, and I'M SO SORRY FOR SUCKING!
Anyways, I have some very interesting events coming in my life. Well, possible events. You see I emailed a woman approximately like 2 months ago about doing an open mic night at a comedy club. Well, I am apparently lower than clipping your toenails on her list of priorities because she just got back to me yesterday. She said I could come on Sunday July 25th, but I needed at least five guests. HMMM? I REALLY want to do it because I want to hold myself accountable to my goals and "dreams"..BAH! dreams! laugh...everyone always laughs at other peoples' dreams. I don't know..maybe I'll try. I'll keep you updated..unless I fail...then I will pretend like it never happened and join the convent and move to Indonesia and make lanyards for people who don't even have anything to put on them..it's a win win situation.
More exciting events...my giant cousin is getting married this weekend. And when I say giant, it's not a lie. He is six ten...as in if you took two Gary Coleman's and stacked two infants on top of them...they would be up to AJ's nipples! Anyways..he is marrying a beautiful, wonderful woman, and I am so very happy for them for two reasons 1) she is tall too...there is NOTHING more annoying than short women who steal tall men! There should be a law that you can only be 3 inches shorter than your date/husband/significant other..MAX...so us tall women don't have to go to prom with men who are 5'6''..you were a great date though ED!! and 2)Because of their marriage, I get to stay the night in a hotel room with my nine year old sister and eighty nine year old grandma. Yep, we're getting drunk....KIDDING!!! I just hope neither wets the bed.
STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I Think I Made Someone Pretty Important Pretty Angry With The Way Things Have Been Going
o hey,
I can hear the wind raging outside (I'm sure that our windchimes may have just impaled a small bird that was flying to safety), my dogs are crying like a child on his first day of kindegarten, and my boyfriend is in his basement. I think I am the closest to death I have ever been. And death seems like it would fit right in with the luck I have been having this week. So, mom...you can have my collection of books about Native Americans. Jenny, you can have my stash of gumballs in my bottom dresser drawer. Eric, you can have all my trophies so you never forget how much better I was than you. And dad, you can have my neck, knee, and ankle braces along with my shoulder sling and my crutches as I know you will need them sometime in your life. O and Colin, you can have all my dirty clothes so you never forget what I smelled like (even though my later days, I have smelled like Subway) BUT IF I DON'T DIE...NO ONE BETTER TOUCH MY GUMBALL COLLECTION! (I will find a new hiding place!)
Anyways, blogs must go on..even when life is hanging in the balance. I hate my life. No I don't; I have just had a rough week. I will first start with the good news. I GOT A FISH!!! I named him Moccasin, and he is ugly. But he is my fish, and I love him. Why did I name him Moccasin? Well, it's just sort of the first thing I thought of.
Other than the new addition to it, my life has been pretty, dare I say, AWFUL! Let me make it clear, I love EVERYONE in my life that makes it ever so amazing. I know I am very blessed with everything I have, but it's just been one of those weeks. Let me start with yesterday. Have you ever had a toilet in a Subway overflow all over your shoes? O yea..HOW BOUT TWICE?!?! Words of wisdom...if anyone ever tells you, "Alright...Flush, then plunge, then flush," DON'T LISTEN. For if you do, you will have a squeegee in your hand and you will be chasing 2 inches of water back into the women's bathroom so your customers won't know anything is wrong while you spend an hour and a half using a mop to sop up the mess. God Bless America!
My next adventure in my blissful fast food life involved me ruining 60 dollars worth of meat, cheese, and salad. I don't know how the cold bar got turned off last night, but it did. How does this 60 dollars become accounted for? O you know..me and the girl I was working with have to pay for it. "Hi, my name is Emily, and I thought I was broke. Then I ruined 60 bucks worth of cold meat, and I realized that I am now not only broke, but I am not the Subway worker I thought I was." O but don't worry, if you thought that was the worst of it, you're wrong! All the ruined meat had to be thrown away. Well, whoever threw it away put it all in the same trashbag and then put the rest of the day's garbage on top. Therefore when I went to take the trash out around 8pm....let's just say I thought there was a baby hippo in the trashbag. The trashbag then busted open in the grass, and I spent a half an hour picking room temperature meat (which oddly feels kind of neat), plastic gloves, TUNA SALAD, coffee grounds, and other things that may have been delicious in a different condition out of the grass by the dumpster. Picture this..a giant woman in a Subway uniform picking up cheese from the grass while she gagged and cursed and attempted to hold the trash bag down in 20 mph winds. Laugh..it's ok.
Now that I am done complainging...I'M GOING TO SLEEP!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
I can hear the wind raging outside (I'm sure that our windchimes may have just impaled a small bird that was flying to safety), my dogs are crying like a child on his first day of kindegarten, and my boyfriend is in his basement. I think I am the closest to death I have ever been. And death seems like it would fit right in with the luck I have been having this week. So, mom...you can have my collection of books about Native Americans. Jenny, you can have my stash of gumballs in my bottom dresser drawer. Eric, you can have all my trophies so you never forget how much better I was than you. And dad, you can have my neck, knee, and ankle braces along with my shoulder sling and my crutches as I know you will need them sometime in your life. O and Colin, you can have all my dirty clothes so you never forget what I smelled like (even though my later days, I have smelled like Subway) BUT IF I DON'T DIE...NO ONE BETTER TOUCH MY GUMBALL COLLECTION! (I will find a new hiding place!)
Anyways, blogs must go on..even when life is hanging in the balance. I hate my life. No I don't; I have just had a rough week. I will first start with the good news. I GOT A FISH!!! I named him Moccasin, and he is ugly. But he is my fish, and I love him. Why did I name him Moccasin? Well, it's just sort of the first thing I thought of.
Other than the new addition to it, my life has been pretty, dare I say, AWFUL! Let me make it clear, I love EVERYONE in my life that makes it ever so amazing. I know I am very blessed with everything I have, but it's just been one of those weeks. Let me start with yesterday. Have you ever had a toilet in a Subway overflow all over your shoes? O yea..HOW BOUT TWICE?!?! Words of wisdom...if anyone ever tells you, "Alright...Flush, then plunge, then flush," DON'T LISTEN. For if you do, you will have a squeegee in your hand and you will be chasing 2 inches of water back into the women's bathroom so your customers won't know anything is wrong while you spend an hour and a half using a mop to sop up the mess. God Bless America!
My next adventure in my blissful fast food life involved me ruining 60 dollars worth of meat, cheese, and salad. I don't know how the cold bar got turned off last night, but it did. How does this 60 dollars become accounted for? O you know..me and the girl I was working with have to pay for it. "Hi, my name is Emily, and I thought I was broke. Then I ruined 60 bucks worth of cold meat, and I realized that I am now not only broke, but I am not the Subway worker I thought I was." O but don't worry, if you thought that was the worst of it, you're wrong! All the ruined meat had to be thrown away. Well, whoever threw it away put it all in the same trashbag and then put the rest of the day's garbage on top. Therefore when I went to take the trash out around 8pm....let's just say I thought there was a baby hippo in the trashbag. The trashbag then busted open in the grass, and I spent a half an hour picking room temperature meat (which oddly feels kind of neat), plastic gloves, TUNA SALAD, coffee grounds, and other things that may have been delicious in a different condition out of the grass by the dumpster. Picture this..a giant woman in a Subway uniform picking up cheese from the grass while she gagged and cursed and attempted to hold the trash bag down in 20 mph winds. Laugh..it's ok.
Now that I am done complainging...I'M GOING TO SLEEP!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Monday, June 21, 2010
I Could Really Go For A Tall Glass Of Beer With About Eight Olives In It
pffffffff what in tarnations are you doing here?!
I didn't blog for 2 days again. I didn't blog because, on Saturday, a starving child from Malaysia came to my door holding a puppy whose eyes had been infected by rabid squirrels. While I was feeding the child a corndog and cleaning the puppies eyes with q-tips, my roof caved in, and I was forced to drag the child and the dog through the destruction until I made it safely to the road. Then, the three of us were hit by the ice cream truck. We got free ice cream, and it turns out the starving child just lived down the block and forgot to eat breakfast, and the dog had just gotten into some heavy pollen. But, now it's Monday, that was all a lie, and I am ready to blog again.
Well, today I was going to get back on to my healthy eating habit train again. You see, my boyfriend's birthday, father's day, and just loving food has seemed to make me start to get squishy again. So I woke up this morning and said to myself, "EMILY, you are going to give up ice cream for a week!" Ok -that lasted til around 4 pm. Then I said, "EMILY, you are going to give up chocolate for a week!" Alright - that lasted until I made myself some puppy chow. Food and I have a very interesting relationship..actually let's just say junk food. We're kind of like Romeo and Juliet...star crossed lovers. We only meet at night when no one can see us..I can eat just lovely all day..fruit..yogurt...hummus...vegetarian chicken...but once the sun goes down, OOO MAN...we go at it. "But soft! What scent through doorway does my nose smell? It is something to eat...and PUPPY CHOW is the sun!"
So I guess I'll plan to stick with the healthy eating tomorrow. Speaking of delicious food, I watched WWE Pay Per View at Buffalo Wild Wings last night. The people who come to these events are simply delightful. It almost looks like a trailer park vomited into the restaurant. I am by no means judging because guess who hasn't missed one since she started dating Colin? THIS GIRL...but that doesn't mean I can't get my giggles from it. One of my personal favorite people is, who I call, the Underfaker. For those of you who don't follow WWE wrestling, here is the real Undertaker...
It's ok..I'm scared too. Here, my friends..is how I perceive the Underfaker...
The Undertaker picks his teeth with items bigger than the Underfaker, but this man is relentless. He is what my hero, Dr. Phil, would call "FREAKING CRAZY!" God Bless America. And last night, he was extra CRAZY. He may or may not have taken some controlled substances before he came because he kept pacing around like a lion trying to find somewhere to drop a load. Then all of a sudden, he grabbed his knee and made a face that was mixture of pain, anger, and constipation. He proceeded to explain to anyone who would listen that a roof fell in on him 2 weeks ago. WHAT IN LINDSAY LOHAN'S NAME WAS HE DOING ON A ROOF?!?! I hope he's not dead right now because he is the most interesting person I have ever seen in my life.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Friday, June 18, 2010
I Can Balance On My Left Leg For 12.3 Seconds When There Is A Breeze From The Southeast
HI (I may or may not have just jammed my "I" key into my keyboard...I'm angry)
My name is Emily, and I am the queen boss of every Subway on the face of the Earth. Not only do I determine the rules for Subway, but I determine all the prices, and all the places that take Subway points as well. WAIT...I DO NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's play a game....it's called yell at a 19 year old girl who is just trying to work her summer job because YOU CAN'T READ A SIGN!! Congrats man with a giant tattoo on his ribcage..YOU WIN! Let me tell you, this man looked like he had been in the sun for about 309482 hours. I should have known he was going to be cranky. Secondly, he had this tattoo on his ribcage..I'm pretty sure it was the first chapter of Harry Potter or something; it was just a bunch of words. It could have also said, "I have never been happy with any Subway in my entire life, so you might as well just start crying now."
This man was also with a woman...a woman who obviously knew he was about to make my life Hades. She was very quiet, and she just tried to keep him from making me stick my head in the oven. He wants a turkey ham sub with chicken pieces. WTF!! This is NOT the White House kitchen, and you are NOT Barack Obama. You cannot have any kind of concoction you want! After he yelled at the other Emily, she gave in and we found a way to ring it up. They also got a buffalo chicken and another turkey ham...none of which are 5 dollar footlongs. The total $22.50. They pay, yell, and leave (in no particular order). We carry on with our other customers who appreciate what we do and here comes Cranky McSunburn yelling somemore. "WAS MY SUB 15 BUCKS?!?! I DONT EAT 15 DOLLAR SUBS!!" "Um..no sir..your sub was $9.50. I can get you a receipt.....here you go." "THIS IS AWFUL!!!"
Out storms my new favorite customer, whose head was steaming more than my fingers do when I accidently stick them into the meatballs, with the receipt in hand. Back to the wonderful woman with the beautiful newborn boy in her hands. DING DONG..."O shitake moo moo!" Now he has the subs in his hands, and he is stomping on the newborn...k the newborn thing is a lie...but I wouldn't put it past this man. "WERE THESE NOT 5 DOLLAR FOOT LONGS!?!?! I DONT WANT EM!!! GIVE ME MY MONEY" At this point, I am more defeated than an overweight fifth grader with no arms playing dodgeball. I give him his money. I lost.
It take a lot to make Emily Eileen angry. My friends, I was angry. Tell me that I ruined your life by making you pay for your subs...I didn't did I?..ok..just making sure.
For future reference....You have to pay for subs...just makin sure you guys understand that so you're never as confused as Cranky McSunburn.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
My name is Emily, and I am the queen boss of every Subway on the face of the Earth. Not only do I determine the rules for Subway, but I determine all the prices, and all the places that take Subway points as well. WAIT...I DO NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's play a game....it's called yell at a 19 year old girl who is just trying to work her summer job because YOU CAN'T READ A SIGN!! Congrats man with a giant tattoo on his ribcage..YOU WIN! Let me tell you, this man looked like he had been in the sun for about 309482 hours. I should have known he was going to be cranky. Secondly, he had this tattoo on his ribcage..I'm pretty sure it was the first chapter of Harry Potter or something; it was just a bunch of words. It could have also said, "I have never been happy with any Subway in my entire life, so you might as well just start crying now."
This man was also with a woman...a woman who obviously knew he was about to make my life Hades. She was very quiet, and she just tried to keep him from making me stick my head in the oven. He wants a turkey ham sub with chicken pieces. WTF!! This is NOT the White House kitchen, and you are NOT Barack Obama. You cannot have any kind of concoction you want! After he yelled at the other Emily, she gave in and we found a way to ring it up. They also got a buffalo chicken and another turkey ham...none of which are 5 dollar footlongs. The total $22.50. They pay, yell, and leave (in no particular order). We carry on with our other customers who appreciate what we do and here comes Cranky McSunburn yelling somemore. "WAS MY SUB 15 BUCKS?!?! I DONT EAT 15 DOLLAR SUBS!!" "Um..no sir..your sub was $9.50. I can get you a receipt.....here you go." "THIS IS AWFUL!!!"
Out storms my new favorite customer, whose head was steaming more than my fingers do when I accidently stick them into the meatballs, with the receipt in hand. Back to the wonderful woman with the beautiful newborn boy in her hands. DING DONG..."O shitake moo moo!" Now he has the subs in his hands, and he is stomping on the newborn...k the newborn thing is a lie...but I wouldn't put it past this man. "WERE THESE NOT 5 DOLLAR FOOT LONGS!?!?! I DONT WANT EM!!! GIVE ME MY MONEY" At this point, I am more defeated than an overweight fifth grader with no arms playing dodgeball. I give him his money. I lost.
It take a lot to make Emily Eileen angry. My friends, I was angry. Tell me that I ruined your life by making you pay for your subs...I didn't did I?..ok..just making sure.
For future reference....You have to pay for subs...just makin sure you guys understand that so you're never as confused as Cranky McSunburn.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Thursday, June 17, 2010
I Found A Mosquito In My Messy Bun...Am I A Skank?
Hello Friends,
I'm blogstipated. I didn't blog for too long...TOO LONG...I will apologize again, even though my apologies are worth about as much as 2 pesos in Donald Trump's buttcrack. Let's talk now. Wait..I will eat a bowl a cereal...then we will talk.
Anyways, I have no excuse for my lack of blogging. I have just been writing for the newspaper, reading about writing a novel, trying to write a novel, constructing subs of greatness, attempting to work out daily, and trying to build a giant Q-tip that can clog the hole that is spilling all that dang oil in the gulf, so I have been a tiny bit tired.
I want to talk to you today about flies on poop. I saw it, like legit, for the first time in my life yesterday. I have had dogs my whole life, but I have NEVER had a dog that could drop a load like Lily (who is a golden retriever/lab/something else that we don't know because her mom is the dog version of a Vegas prostitute..she gives favors for male dogs who bring her treats). KIDDING..BACK TO PG...So, I am walking out to my car, and I see the Mount Everest of Dog Poo sitting outside. First, I gagged. Then, I high fived Lily on the fact that she was still live because I honestly thought her digestive system had become a new lawn ornament. Then, I had an ephiphany. Flies on dog poop is the MOST DISGUSTING SIMILIE IN THE WORLD. The next time someone says, "Man you were on that like flies on dog poop," I am going to say, "FLIES HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING ON DOG POOP!" They were swarming around this poo the way my brother hangs around the dessert table at the Golden Corral. I couldn't take it anymore, so I ran it over with my car. Now before you judge me, let me first tell you that the fly gods already punished me, so I don't need your judgment. The fly gods punished me by making my car smell like a rolling corn field that was just freshly fertilized. It did override the smell of Subway when I got off work though...
I believe that I will never ever achieve greatness in life. My calling in life is to be a competitve eater. I know this for a fact. I was watching Man vs. Food yesterday and realized that, with the right amoung of Tums on hand, I could complete the majority of the challenges his faces. However, my show would be called WOMAN VS. GARDEN...I would eat an immense amount vegetables...Now you're thinking, "Well if she is so good at it, why will she never achieve greatness?" I'M SCARED TO THROW UP!!! O my goodness...I ate one too many marshamellows yesterday, and I freaked out because I was feeling a bit too bloated. Then I burped, I was ok. Long story short, I have the ability to achieve greatness...but my fear of acidic stinkiness will keep me from ever reaching my full potential.....I'm sorry mom and dad.
BOOOOOO I'm tired.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
I'm blogstipated. I didn't blog for too long...TOO LONG...I will apologize again, even though my apologies are worth about as much as 2 pesos in Donald Trump's buttcrack. Let's talk now. Wait..I will eat a bowl a cereal...then we will talk.
Anyways, I have no excuse for my lack of blogging. I have just been writing for the newspaper, reading about writing a novel, trying to write a novel, constructing subs of greatness, attempting to work out daily, and trying to build a giant Q-tip that can clog the hole that is spilling all that dang oil in the gulf, so I have been a tiny bit tired.
I want to talk to you today about flies on poop. I saw it, like legit, for the first time in my life yesterday. I have had dogs my whole life, but I have NEVER had a dog that could drop a load like Lily (who is a golden retriever/lab/something else that we don't know because her mom is the dog version of a Vegas prostitute..she gives favors for male dogs who bring her treats). KIDDING..BACK TO PG...So, I am walking out to my car, and I see the Mount Everest of Dog Poo sitting outside. First, I gagged. Then, I high fived Lily on the fact that she was still live because I honestly thought her digestive system had become a new lawn ornament. Then, I had an ephiphany. Flies on dog poop is the MOST DISGUSTING SIMILIE IN THE WORLD. The next time someone says, "Man you were on that like flies on dog poop," I am going to say, "FLIES HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING ON DOG POOP!" They were swarming around this poo the way my brother hangs around the dessert table at the Golden Corral. I couldn't take it anymore, so I ran it over with my car. Now before you judge me, let me first tell you that the fly gods already punished me, so I don't need your judgment. The fly gods punished me by making my car smell like a rolling corn field that was just freshly fertilized. It did override the smell of Subway when I got off work though...
I believe that I will never ever achieve greatness in life. My calling in life is to be a competitve eater. I know this for a fact. I was watching Man vs. Food yesterday and realized that, with the right amoung of Tums on hand, I could complete the majority of the challenges his faces. However, my show would be called WOMAN VS. GARDEN...I would eat an immense amount vegetables...Now you're thinking, "Well if she is so good at it, why will she never achieve greatness?" I'M SCARED TO THROW UP!!! O my goodness...I ate one too many marshamellows yesterday, and I freaked out because I was feeling a bit too bloated. Then I burped, I was ok. Long story short, I have the ability to achieve greatness...but my fear of acidic stinkiness will keep me from ever reaching my full potential.....I'm sorry mom and dad.
BOOOOOO I'm tired.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Sunday, June 13, 2010
If I Could Have A Bag of Popcorn Without Kernels....I Would Be Happier Than Breath Mint in a Garlic Shop
I like the way ya work it..NO DIGGITY,
So I was reading the newsfeed on AOL today and saw that Kroger recalled a bunch of ice cream. In a frenzy, I read the story because I LOVE KROGER and I LOVE ICE CREAM! I was writing my will because I assumed the ice cream that I ate was full of arsenic or something when I noticed that they simply recalled it because it may have come in contact with nuts, and it does not emphasize that it may have done so. At this moment, I said a brief prayer for the human who was allergic to nuts and discovered this. When recalls come out, I don't think we think about the person who first discovered that the product needed recalled. Imagine sitting in your kitchen, enjoying your Superman ice cream, and all of a sudden YOUR FACE IS THE SIZE OF A PEEP THAT HAS BEEN PUT IN THE MICROWAVE FOR 6.8 SECONDS!! You yell, "O NUTS! (literally)" and have to rush to the emergency room. I just pray that in the event that the Charmin Toilet Paper Factor is bombed by an itching powder bomb, I am not the person who realizes that the toilet paper needs to be recalled.
I ate vegetarian chicken alfredo today. IT WAS EVER SO DELICIOUS!! I started not eating meat because I simply hated meat. It wasn't for the environment, or animals, or my body. However, all three have now become reasons as well. I feel so much better physically, and it's nice to know mentally that I am helping the environment (not eating meat for a day saves the amount of water not showering for a year would) and animals. I will never preach it..because that's just annoying...but if it sounds like something for you, I would def encourage it. I do want to say that the only thing that tempts me anymore is the smell of toasted pepperoni. I am at work, and I toast these BMT and Spicy subs..and O MY GOODNESS!! If the Cher could fart (she can't; it's scientifically proven), it would smell like toasted pepperoni. I see the juicy, loveliness sitting below the gently melted cheese, and the aroma dances in my nostrils. I JUST WANT TO GRAB THE SUB AND EAT IT (even though I know that it would burn more than salt on a hemmoroid). I resist though...so I can guiltlessly watch Babe (the pig is SOOO adorable..I could never eat it).
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
So I was reading the newsfeed on AOL today and saw that Kroger recalled a bunch of ice cream. In a frenzy, I read the story because I LOVE KROGER and I LOVE ICE CREAM! I was writing my will because I assumed the ice cream that I ate was full of arsenic or something when I noticed that they simply recalled it because it may have come in contact with nuts, and it does not emphasize that it may have done so. At this moment, I said a brief prayer for the human who was allergic to nuts and discovered this. When recalls come out, I don't think we think about the person who first discovered that the product needed recalled. Imagine sitting in your kitchen, enjoying your Superman ice cream, and all of a sudden YOUR FACE IS THE SIZE OF A PEEP THAT HAS BEEN PUT IN THE MICROWAVE FOR 6.8 SECONDS!! You yell, "O NUTS! (literally)" and have to rush to the emergency room. I just pray that in the event that the Charmin Toilet Paper Factor is bombed by an itching powder bomb, I am not the person who realizes that the toilet paper needs to be recalled.
I ate vegetarian chicken alfredo today. IT WAS EVER SO DELICIOUS!! I started not eating meat because I simply hated meat. It wasn't for the environment, or animals, or my body. However, all three have now become reasons as well. I feel so much better physically, and it's nice to know mentally that I am helping the environment (not eating meat for a day saves the amount of water not showering for a year would) and animals. I will never preach it..because that's just annoying...but if it sounds like something for you, I would def encourage it. I do want to say that the only thing that tempts me anymore is the smell of toasted pepperoni. I am at work, and I toast these BMT and Spicy subs..and O MY GOODNESS!! If the Cher could fart (she can't; it's scientifically proven), it would smell like toasted pepperoni. I see the juicy, loveliness sitting below the gently melted cheese, and the aroma dances in my nostrils. I JUST WANT TO GRAB THE SUB AND EAT IT (even though I know that it would burn more than salt on a hemmoroid). I resist though...so I can guiltlessly watch Babe (the pig is SOOO adorable..I could never eat it).
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Thunderstorms Are Fun...When You're Alone With A Bunch Of Veggies....NOT
Heya,
I didn't blog for 2 days. I would like to give you my utmost apologies. My internet connection was half past tofu two days ago, and yesterday, well...let's be honest...I was tired. So I understand if you hate me, but I would LOVE a second chance.
I had a really rough night guys; I'm going to use this blog to vent. First of all, I had to close. Closing is not nearly as fun as opening. When I open, I get to be Oprah Crocker (that's a cross between Oprah and Betty Crocker). I'm Oprah because so many people come in to get subs, and I supply them with things that they enjoy (subs,..not cars like Oprah does), and I am also very personable while doing so (like Oprah). I'm Betty Crocker because I bake batches and batches of delicious cookies and bread that inmates on death row call and ask to have for their last meals (it's just that good). When I close, however, I am simply a glorified janitor (cleaning windows, bathrooms, ovens, blah, blah blah!!).
To top off the wonderfulness of closing, Mother Stupidskank Nature (that's really her middle name..I looked it up) decided to toss a little thunderstorm my way. The door in the front decided to blow open and shut while I was in the back doing the dishes. I looked around the store, and of course, no one was there. I tried to convince myself everything was fine, but I watch the news. I know what happens during thunderstorms to young girls who are closing fast food store alone!!! We'll just say I had the giant sub knife/potential kidnapper stabber at hand for the rest of the night.
Other than closing, my day went pretty grand. Colin and I went garage sailing in Lima. Colin bought himself a nice referee shirt...he's not a referee (can't you see why we're in love?). During our garage sailing experience, we witnessed some of the most graceful, pleasant human being in the world. Exhibit A) Woman driving a 1992 gray and rusty minivan was trying to drive the wrong way out of the sub division. The following conversation was carried out between she (we'll call her 'Woman with 2 teeth' ) and the woman who was directing traffic (we'll call her 'Woman with light saber')...Woman with 2 teeth: "I NEED TA GIT OUTTA HUR!!!" Woman with light saber: "U is gunna have ta go round like erybody ls!" 2 teeth: "I AINT GON ROUND!!" light saber: "Thas to bad u is aint got no choice!" 2 teeth: "THIS IS BULL[explicitive]!! BULL[explicitive]!!!" 2 teeth then proceeded to peel out in her rusty excuse of a vehicle yelling words that were either curse words or pig latin (I couldn't tell due to her accent). Exhibit B) "GRANDMA WAIT UP FOR ME!!!!" clump clump CLUMP CLUMP CLUMP...Colin and I thought we were about to be stampeded..just as we dove off the sidewalk a pre teen girl who..let's just say..may or may not have looked like she ate 12 twinkies for breakfast...flew past us in a Phineas and Ferb T-shirt and spandex shorts to catch up with her grandma whom I hope was purchasing a hair brush at one of the garage sales.
I really don't mean to sound mean...I hope people blog about the weird things I do...I am just so fascinated by people. And the things people do in front of other people. Anyways, I'm exhuasted...more tired than constipated plumber..God Bless America!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
I didn't blog for 2 days. I would like to give you my utmost apologies. My internet connection was half past tofu two days ago, and yesterday, well...let's be honest...I was tired. So I understand if you hate me, but I would LOVE a second chance.
I had a really rough night guys; I'm going to use this blog to vent. First of all, I had to close. Closing is not nearly as fun as opening. When I open, I get to be Oprah Crocker (that's a cross between Oprah and Betty Crocker). I'm Oprah because so many people come in to get subs, and I supply them with things that they enjoy (subs,..not cars like Oprah does), and I am also very personable while doing so (like Oprah). I'm Betty Crocker because I bake batches and batches of delicious cookies and bread that inmates on death row call and ask to have for their last meals (it's just that good). When I close, however, I am simply a glorified janitor (cleaning windows, bathrooms, ovens, blah, blah blah!!).
To top off the wonderfulness of closing, Mother Stupidskank Nature (that's really her middle name..I looked it up) decided to toss a little thunderstorm my way. The door in the front decided to blow open and shut while I was in the back doing the dishes. I looked around the store, and of course, no one was there. I tried to convince myself everything was fine, but I watch the news. I know what happens during thunderstorms to young girls who are closing fast food store alone!!! We'll just say I had the giant sub knife/potential kidnapper stabber at hand for the rest of the night.
Other than closing, my day went pretty grand. Colin and I went garage sailing in Lima. Colin bought himself a nice referee shirt...he's not a referee (can't you see why we're in love?). During our garage sailing experience, we witnessed some of the most graceful, pleasant human being in the world. Exhibit A) Woman driving a 1992 gray and rusty minivan was trying to drive the wrong way out of the sub division. The following conversation was carried out between she (we'll call her 'Woman with 2 teeth' ) and the woman who was directing traffic (we'll call her 'Woman with light saber')...Woman with 2 teeth: "I NEED TA GIT OUTTA HUR!!!" Woman with light saber: "U is gunna have ta go round like erybody ls!" 2 teeth: "I AINT GON ROUND!!" light saber: "Thas to bad u is aint got no choice!" 2 teeth: "THIS IS BULL[explicitive]!! BULL[explicitive]!!!" 2 teeth then proceeded to peel out in her rusty excuse of a vehicle yelling words that were either curse words or pig latin (I couldn't tell due to her accent). Exhibit B) "GRANDMA WAIT UP FOR ME!!!!" clump clump CLUMP CLUMP CLUMP...Colin and I thought we were about to be stampeded..just as we dove off the sidewalk a pre teen girl who..let's just say..may or may not have looked like she ate 12 twinkies for breakfast...flew past us in a Phineas and Ferb T-shirt and spandex shorts to catch up with her grandma whom I hope was purchasing a hair brush at one of the garage sales.
I really don't mean to sound mean...I hope people blog about the weird things I do...I am just so fascinated by people. And the things people do in front of other people. Anyways, I'm exhuasted...more tired than constipated plumber..God Bless America!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
"Let me be more imperative: walk your holy three-dots-one-dash walk but not so fast." Heather McHugh
Stay Golden Ponyboy,
Friends, I must say that there are days when I am serious. Weird, I know. Don't worry, I won't make too much of this blog serious because well..serious is STUPID!! However, I would like to start out on a small serious note. Life is beautiful, for real. Sometimes it takes a slump to really appreciate the beauty in life. Sometimes that slump is A LONG time, and you NEVER think you will ever be close to the same. I'll tell you that I was in one of those slumps...and it lasted close to a year. But now that I am almost fully removed from this slump, I have an appreciation for life that I could have never fathomed when I started college. I am not close to the same...but that's because I am so much more than I could have ever been without this slump. I don't want you to ever have to slide into a slump like mine, but I do hope that life rocks your world. Take in the little things...children with ice cream, gumballs, chit chats with your mom, and even stubbed toes (they're always funny in retrospect)..BARF!!! SERIOUS OVER!
Now for the real blogginess. Work always provides me with at least a moment of sheer joy. Today's moment of sheer joy happened about 2 hours into my 3 hour dish washing run. I was washing bread pans, Jordan was making chicken teryaki, and Kay (the manager) was sitting at the computer. We were each silently going about our business, which should have clued me in that something awesome was about to happen (awesome stuff always happens when you're minding your own business). The station Kay had set the XM on today was playing some pretty random stuff, from Dixie Chicks to Johnny Cash. So I'm washing out a tuna tub (O it's as fun as it sounds, I may or may not have tuna still in my hair), not really listening to the radio, but then I begin to listen to it for some reason. All of a sudden, I notice the song playing is something very unfamiliar and the lyrics are well...different. Please pardon this language...I'm not trying to offend anyone. The woman had the whiny, coffee shop voice that I usually love...but these lyrics...well here they are. "Maybe he's a faggot. Maybe he's a faggot. A FAAAAGGOOOTT! Maybe he's a Jew. Maybe he's a Jew. A JEWWW!" Mind you, there was a lobby full of Japanese Setex workers and an elderly woman. both of whom probably though a "faggot" was a type of insect. God Bless America. After Jordan and I shared a laugh, we told Kay she might want to change the station before a homosexual Hannukah celebrator came to get a sub.
I made a duct tape wallet today. Too bad I spent my last dollar on the duct tape (the Dollar Tree is God's gift to minimum wage workers. Where else can you get a Coke Zero, banana chips, and duct tape for $3.14?) So if anyone wants to toss a buck my way so I can see if the wallet actually works, I would probably spend it on gumballs instead...but I would carry it in my wallet until I got to the Dollar Tree.
I was working on becoming a diva today (WWE), and I was doing a dang good job. I ellipticalled like a small child running down the ice cream truck, then I worked on getting my 5 abs by doing planks, which caused me to sweat all over the floor in front of the mildy attractive older man who was doing squats. You know a 'but' is coming though..so I'm going to say HOWEVER, I am a sucker for food...mostly ice cream....I don't think divas are allowed to eat 2.5 ice cream cones a day (my sister doesn't ever finish hers).
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Friends, I must say that there are days when I am serious. Weird, I know. Don't worry, I won't make too much of this blog serious because well..serious is STUPID!! However, I would like to start out on a small serious note. Life is beautiful, for real. Sometimes it takes a slump to really appreciate the beauty in life. Sometimes that slump is A LONG time, and you NEVER think you will ever be close to the same. I'll tell you that I was in one of those slumps...and it lasted close to a year. But now that I am almost fully removed from this slump, I have an appreciation for life that I could have never fathomed when I started college. I am not close to the same...but that's because I am so much more than I could have ever been without this slump. I don't want you to ever have to slide into a slump like mine, but I do hope that life rocks your world. Take in the little things...children with ice cream, gumballs, chit chats with your mom, and even stubbed toes (they're always funny in retrospect)..BARF!!! SERIOUS OVER!
Now for the real blogginess. Work always provides me with at least a moment of sheer joy. Today's moment of sheer joy happened about 2 hours into my 3 hour dish washing run. I was washing bread pans, Jordan was making chicken teryaki, and Kay (the manager) was sitting at the computer. We were each silently going about our business, which should have clued me in that something awesome was about to happen (awesome stuff always happens when you're minding your own business). The station Kay had set the XM on today was playing some pretty random stuff, from Dixie Chicks to Johnny Cash. So I'm washing out a tuna tub (O it's as fun as it sounds, I may or may not have tuna still in my hair), not really listening to the radio, but then I begin to listen to it for some reason. All of a sudden, I notice the song playing is something very unfamiliar and the lyrics are well...different. Please pardon this language...I'm not trying to offend anyone. The woman had the whiny, coffee shop voice that I usually love...but these lyrics...well here they are. "Maybe he's a faggot. Maybe he's a faggot. A FAAAAGGOOOTT! Maybe he's a Jew. Maybe he's a Jew. A JEWWW!" Mind you, there was a lobby full of Japanese Setex workers and an elderly woman. both of whom probably though a "faggot" was a type of insect. God Bless America. After Jordan and I shared a laugh, we told Kay she might want to change the station before a homosexual Hannukah celebrator came to get a sub.
I made a duct tape wallet today. Too bad I spent my last dollar on the duct tape (the Dollar Tree is God's gift to minimum wage workers. Where else can you get a Coke Zero, banana chips, and duct tape for $3.14?) So if anyone wants to toss a buck my way so I can see if the wallet actually works, I would probably spend it on gumballs instead...but I would carry it in my wallet until I got to the Dollar Tree.
I was working on becoming a diva today (WWE), and I was doing a dang good job. I ellipticalled like a small child running down the ice cream truck, then I worked on getting my 5 abs by doing planks, which caused me to sweat all over the floor in front of the mildy attractive older man who was doing squats. You know a 'but' is coming though..so I'm going to say HOWEVER, I am a sucker for food...mostly ice cream....I don't think divas are allowed to eat 2.5 ice cream cones a day (my sister doesn't ever finish hers).
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
"My body was braille for the creeping influences: dawn suns groped over my head and cooled my feet." Seamus Heaney
Peace Up: A-Town Down,
I was off today, so I was quite nervous about this blog. You see, the only times I ever have anything interesting to say is when I have spent my day sticking small knives into long pieces of bread. However, today turned out to be more eventful than I had planned. Life is about the little things. People say I'm funny..and they can't believe all this funny stuff happens to me. I think it happens to everyone...we just need to take the moments to take in the little things. Life lessons from Emily! Ehh...you should probably just check out a self help book from the library instead.
Anyways, in regards to the library, I went today. I still have my Ereader...but I have no money. I have no money because...we'll just say that the money I make in a month at Subway would pay for one pair of Donald Trump's underwear, and my boyfriend and sister decided to be born 3 days apart, and the government wants me to celebrate the fact that my father raised me...C'MON PEOPLE! Kidding, I love giving people presents, and I love the people I am giving presents to. The money thing means that I can't buy new books for my Ereader, so I have to check em out old fashion style. I finished "Peter Pan," and I am not a better person because of it. I am now scared of pirates, crocodiles, small children, and Exlax (sometimes I read when I go potty).
The beauty of the library is silence. Who goes into the library and doesn't want to scream at the top of their lungs, "BOOBS!!!" I resisted the temptation to scream "BOOBS" but only because they were doing the kids' summer reading program, and I didn't think that was appropriate. I checked out a book on cross-gendered poetry, hence the title of my blog. No, this is not like dirty poetry. It's actually very interesting; women speaking in the voices of men and vice versa. Sometimes I speak like a man, but my boss says it bothers the customers, so I speak like Lucifer instead.
Today, I also made about 4 trips to Kroger. This is not unusal. We only consider it unusual when we go there more than 10 times a day. I was buying Honey Bunches of Oats, carrot cake, and crunchy peanut butter with my dad and sister. We went to self check out because I have always wanted to be a bag girl. There is something about making sure you don't put the bread at the bottom of the bag that makes me feel like a hero. Jenny thought it would be a cute idea to hit espanol. So, this machine starts screaming at us in Spanish!!! It wasn't a problem because I have the routine of the self checkout memorized (10 trips a day); the problem lied in the fact that EVERYONE IN THE STORE WAS STARING!! We'll just say I don't resemble Dora the Explorer in the slightest bit, so people sort of knew that I wasn't the type to speak espanol. While my sister is urinating herself in glee and my father was just standing there with his mouth half open, I was frantically trying to finish our checking out. It takes A LOT to embarrass me...and this might have been close. Glod Bless America.
My baking project of the day was Peanut Butter Crunch Cake. Carrot cake with peanut butter crunch concoction in the center and smooth peanut butter coating on top. When I got it out of the oven, it looked at me and said, "Thank you for baking me. I am so delicious that I will bring goodness and peace to the entire world" (in the southern drawl of Miley Cyrus..because she will someday save the world). Ok, cakes can't talk..but if they could, that's what mine would have said.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
I was off today, so I was quite nervous about this blog. You see, the only times I ever have anything interesting to say is when I have spent my day sticking small knives into long pieces of bread. However, today turned out to be more eventful than I had planned. Life is about the little things. People say I'm funny..and they can't believe all this funny stuff happens to me. I think it happens to everyone...we just need to take the moments to take in the little things. Life lessons from Emily! Ehh...you should probably just check out a self help book from the library instead.
Anyways, in regards to the library, I went today. I still have my Ereader...but I have no money. I have no money because...we'll just say that the money I make in a month at Subway would pay for one pair of Donald Trump's underwear, and my boyfriend and sister decided to be born 3 days apart, and the government wants me to celebrate the fact that my father raised me...C'MON PEOPLE! Kidding, I love giving people presents, and I love the people I am giving presents to. The money thing means that I can't buy new books for my Ereader, so I have to check em out old fashion style. I finished "Peter Pan," and I am not a better person because of it. I am now scared of pirates, crocodiles, small children, and Exlax (sometimes I read when I go potty).
The beauty of the library is silence. Who goes into the library and doesn't want to scream at the top of their lungs, "BOOBS!!!" I resisted the temptation to scream "BOOBS" but only because they were doing the kids' summer reading program, and I didn't think that was appropriate. I checked out a book on cross-gendered poetry, hence the title of my blog. No, this is not like dirty poetry. It's actually very interesting; women speaking in the voices of men and vice versa. Sometimes I speak like a man, but my boss says it bothers the customers, so I speak like Lucifer instead.
Today, I also made about 4 trips to Kroger. This is not unusal. We only consider it unusual when we go there more than 10 times a day. I was buying Honey Bunches of Oats, carrot cake, and crunchy peanut butter with my dad and sister. We went to self check out because I have always wanted to be a bag girl. There is something about making sure you don't put the bread at the bottom of the bag that makes me feel like a hero. Jenny thought it would be a cute idea to hit espanol. So, this machine starts screaming at us in Spanish!!! It wasn't a problem because I have the routine of the self checkout memorized (10 trips a day); the problem lied in the fact that EVERYONE IN THE STORE WAS STARING!! We'll just say I don't resemble Dora the Explorer in the slightest bit, so people sort of knew that I wasn't the type to speak espanol. While my sister is urinating herself in glee and my father was just standing there with his mouth half open, I was frantically trying to finish our checking out. It takes A LOT to embarrass me...and this might have been close. Glod Bless America.
My baking project of the day was Peanut Butter Crunch Cake. Carrot cake with peanut butter crunch concoction in the center and smooth peanut butter coating on top. When I got it out of the oven, it looked at me and said, "Thank you for baking me. I am so delicious that I will bring goodness and peace to the entire world" (in the southern drawl of Miley Cyrus..because she will someday save the world). Ok, cakes can't talk..but if they could, that's what mine would have said.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Monday, June 7, 2010
An Average Adult Should Take In No More Than 2300 Milligrams Of Sodium A Day
Desiw,
Woeicjah eiwolskdch iewothidsp. weiothiois woeiicidaghtoisa sdkfjo, owiethskdkfjwithnskgsdsa. wieorjdsldkiesdiaotds.
Translation for the previous phrase:
Hey,
This is what my writing should look like right now. I hit my head harder than I have ever hit it before on the cooler at work, so now my brain has turned into Quaker Oatmeal.
I was minding my own business, stocking the bar at work so that I could provide the humble town of St. Marys with delicious delicatessen excellence. I grabbed the black olives, which I don't even think should be grabbed anyways because they are about as icky as an uncovered sneeze when you have a sinus infection, and I turned to leave the cooler. The cooler door frame, you know..the one that is 5'8'' which enables every employee to walk through with ease BUT ME, was a bit closer than I expected. Thank goodness I was in the store alone because not only did this run in with the stainless steel door jam move my ponytail to the same place it was in my third grade school picture, but it also caused me to yell (pardon me), "Dirty ball sacs on a leprechaun!" I now have a nice knot on my hairline that reminds me I am not 5'7''.
Once I came out of my coma, I decided to make a cake, well a torte. Torte..what a fun word. More like a body function than a type of dessert, but I won't judge. This was a root beer torte. I made my own whipped topping to go on top of the torte!!! Paula Deen, eat your heart out!! But make sure you barbeque it first on a charcoal grill (I'm an expert). I went into my room while my torte was being heated by the oven, and when I returned to check on it, I caught my sister committing a crime of beverage. You see, she thought no one would come in the kitchen, so when I came in, she got the "O poo, I didn't think you would come in while I was doing this," look on her face. What was she doing you ask? She was making Kool Aid..not just any Kool Aid, it was basically a block of sugar that was dampened by a little water and sprinkled with a Kool Aid packet. I caught her mid-dump; she had our giant sugar container in her hands and was DUMPING it into the jug. God Bless America! Colin asked if I taught her a lesson...nawww...when she is urinating Pez candies, she will realize she may have added a little too much.
Tomorrow, I start my training to become a WWE diva. Colin has gotten me into this obsession with WWE (wrestling). NEVER in a gazzillion years would I have thought I would like it. Now, I want to be a diva. All I need is about 5 more abs, 2 fake boobs, and some hair extensions...I'll start with sit ups. So if you are keeping track, that means I want to be a woman wrestling, pastry baking, tree hugging, poem writing giraffe. I won't forget you when I'm famous.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Woeicjah eiwolskdch iewothidsp. weiothiois woeiicidaghtoisa sdkfjo, owiethskdkfjwithnskgsdsa. wieorjdsldkiesdiaotds.
Translation for the previous phrase:
Hey,
This is what my writing should look like right now. I hit my head harder than I have ever hit it before on the cooler at work, so now my brain has turned into Quaker Oatmeal.
I was minding my own business, stocking the bar at work so that I could provide the humble town of St. Marys with delicious delicatessen excellence. I grabbed the black olives, which I don't even think should be grabbed anyways because they are about as icky as an uncovered sneeze when you have a sinus infection, and I turned to leave the cooler. The cooler door frame, you know..the one that is 5'8'' which enables every employee to walk through with ease BUT ME, was a bit closer than I expected. Thank goodness I was in the store alone because not only did this run in with the stainless steel door jam move my ponytail to the same place it was in my third grade school picture, but it also caused me to yell (pardon me), "Dirty ball sacs on a leprechaun!" I now have a nice knot on my hairline that reminds me I am not 5'7''.
Once I came out of my coma, I decided to make a cake, well a torte. Torte..what a fun word. More like a body function than a type of dessert, but I won't judge. This was a root beer torte. I made my own whipped topping to go on top of the torte!!! Paula Deen, eat your heart out!! But make sure you barbeque it first on a charcoal grill (I'm an expert). I went into my room while my torte was being heated by the oven, and when I returned to check on it, I caught my sister committing a crime of beverage. You see, she thought no one would come in the kitchen, so when I came in, she got the "O poo, I didn't think you would come in while I was doing this," look on her face. What was she doing you ask? She was making Kool Aid..not just any Kool Aid, it was basically a block of sugar that was dampened by a little water and sprinkled with a Kool Aid packet. I caught her mid-dump; she had our giant sugar container in her hands and was DUMPING it into the jug. God Bless America! Colin asked if I taught her a lesson...nawww...when she is urinating Pez candies, she will realize she may have added a little too much.
Tomorrow, I start my training to become a WWE diva. Colin has gotten me into this obsession with WWE (wrestling). NEVER in a gazzillion years would I have thought I would like it. Now, I want to be a diva. All I need is about 5 more abs, 2 fake boobs, and some hair extensions...I'll start with sit ups. So if you are keeping track, that means I want to be a woman wrestling, pastry baking, tree hugging, poem writing giraffe. I won't forget you when I'm famous.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Dolphins Can Stay Up To 15 Minutes Under Water
O O Hey,
Today was another lovely day for me. Let's just let every blog have the implication that I had a lovely day unless I state otherwise because I have realized that I say this all the time. Right now, I am watching The Next Food Network Star. Someday I will own a bakery, and I will provide everyone with delicious pastries. It will be called "Auntie Em's Place of Patries and Tasties." (I will use the name "Auntie" whether I am an aunt or not..it has a much better ring to it.) I will serve cake and pie and muffins and scones and wintergreen mints (those are the tasties that make your breath smell better after the pastries.)
So this morning I went to church. I LOVE church, but I don't ever have anything funny to say about it because I love it so much. Moving on, I rushed to Delphos so that Colin and I could see a matinee of "Splice." On the topic of "Splice," we will just say that going from worshipping Jesus to watching images of humans..umm..do the deed with odd scientific created characters was quite an intense transition on a Sunday afternoon. It was a good movie, don't get me wrong, but I'm not sure what kind of genre it would fit under. It's not Horror, it's not Sci Fi, it's not Romance...it's more like O My Gosh, What the Heck Did I Eat Before Bed To Have A Dream Like That genre. After the movie, Colin and I did it Beer Barrell style. WOAH! You guys are dirty...it's a restaurant. We ordered the cheese deep dish pizza...14 inch...after Colin said 14 inch, our waitress replied, "Are you sure you want the 14 inch?" That, my friends, is when you know you are going to have a good dinner. Our waitress came out of the kitchen pulling our pizza behind her in a Radio Flyer. The first difficulty was getting a piece of this out of the grips of the 600 degree pan. If there is a pizza cutting school, the cook at Beer Barrell didn't attend it. After Colin suffered third degree burns, we both enjoyed our pile (it can't be described as a piece) of pizza. It was DELICIOUS; however, each bite proved to be a serious threat. Everytime I swallowed, I feared that some of the cheese would stay in my mouth while the rest of it went down my throat. Like when you're eating cheese sticks..and you have to stick your fingers past the dangly ball in the back of your throat to retrieve a strand of mozzerella as you gag pitifully and your life flashes before your eyes. I didn't choke, and the Reds won! God Bless America!
I love food and coffee (we got Bigby after Beer Barrell) and Colin, so now you know why today was a lovely day. Update on my brother's diet. He has finished close to a half gallon of ice cream and is now eating the pasta mom made him for lunch tomorrow...this his is snack. There are competitive eaters that would get full eating the CRUMBS off Eric's couch everyday. He's cute though..and a nice guy ladies...and he showers at least once a week!!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Today was another lovely day for me. Let's just let every blog have the implication that I had a lovely day unless I state otherwise because I have realized that I say this all the time. Right now, I am watching The Next Food Network Star. Someday I will own a bakery, and I will provide everyone with delicious pastries. It will be called "Auntie Em's Place of Patries and Tasties." (I will use the name "Auntie" whether I am an aunt or not..it has a much better ring to it.) I will serve cake and pie and muffins and scones and wintergreen mints (those are the tasties that make your breath smell better after the pastries.)
So this morning I went to church. I LOVE church, but I don't ever have anything funny to say about it because I love it so much. Moving on, I rushed to Delphos so that Colin and I could see a matinee of "Splice." On the topic of "Splice," we will just say that going from worshipping Jesus to watching images of humans..umm..do the deed with odd scientific created characters was quite an intense transition on a Sunday afternoon. It was a good movie, don't get me wrong, but I'm not sure what kind of genre it would fit under. It's not Horror, it's not Sci Fi, it's not Romance...it's more like O My Gosh, What the Heck Did I Eat Before Bed To Have A Dream Like That genre. After the movie, Colin and I did it Beer Barrell style. WOAH! You guys are dirty...it's a restaurant. We ordered the cheese deep dish pizza...14 inch...after Colin said 14 inch, our waitress replied, "Are you sure you want the 14 inch?" That, my friends, is when you know you are going to have a good dinner. Our waitress came out of the kitchen pulling our pizza behind her in a Radio Flyer. The first difficulty was getting a piece of this out of the grips of the 600 degree pan. If there is a pizza cutting school, the cook at Beer Barrell didn't attend it. After Colin suffered third degree burns, we both enjoyed our pile (it can't be described as a piece) of pizza. It was DELICIOUS; however, each bite proved to be a serious threat. Everytime I swallowed, I feared that some of the cheese would stay in my mouth while the rest of it went down my throat. Like when you're eating cheese sticks..and you have to stick your fingers past the dangly ball in the back of your throat to retrieve a strand of mozzerella as you gag pitifully and your life flashes before your eyes. I didn't choke, and the Reds won! God Bless America!
I love food and coffee (we got Bigby after Beer Barrell) and Colin, so now you know why today was a lovely day. Update on my brother's diet. He has finished close to a half gallon of ice cream and is now eating the pasta mom made him for lunch tomorrow...this his is snack. There are competitive eaters that would get full eating the CRUMBS off Eric's couch everyday. He's cute though..and a nice guy ladies...and he showers at least once a week!!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Saturday, June 5, 2010
"I Generally Avoid Temptation. Unless, I Can't Resist It" Mae West
Apples, Peaches, Pears, and Plums, Line Up When Your Birthday Comes,
Well folks, I have both good news and bad news. The good news is: the lockness monster does, in fact, exist, and I believe I may have found him. The bad news is: HE IS IN MY TOILET! (well plumbing...but my toilet is part of that.) It all started early Thursday morning. I went potty for the third time that night (like usual...I think my bladder stores the equivalent of a Capri Sun) around 4 a.m. I peed, wiped, and flushed. God Bless America. As I was nestled back into my comfy (that's an overstatement; I sleep in the same bed my mom slept in when she was my age) bed, I hear what sounds like a lawn mower. My first thought, "How efficient! Someone is trying to mow their yard at a more eco friendly time of day!" (Global warming people!) Then I realized it was coming from inside the house, and as often as I have begged to have grass planted in the kitchen, it is yet to happen. Ever since then, our toilet makes this OWEIRJWIOSICFEOI sound about 14 seconds after you flush it, and if you sit on the toilet long enough after you flush, it sort of rumbles with the growl (I tried it). Dad says we have an air pocket or something in our pipes. Give me a break! I know it's the lockness monster...but you know...the more I think of it...maybe an air bubble makes sense. It would explain where all the farts go....hmmm....
Anyways, toilets are pretty much stupid anyways. We're always like, "What would I do without indoor plumbing?" I'll tell you what I would do. I would NEVER have to clean up an overflowing toilet in a Subway bathroom!! You see, someone thought that the toilet looked like a much more logical place than the trashcan to toss the very thick paper towels that she dried her hands off with. I was panning bread, and I hear.."EMILY!! EMILY!!!" My coworker was in the women's restroom staring at an overflowing toilet. The water was rising quicker than we could clean it up, so we had to sandbag ourselves into the kitchen using all the footlong pieces of bread. When the water started dissolving the bread, all we could do was cling onto pieces of floating fresh vegetables so we didn't drown. Ok...everything after "at an overflowing toilet" was a lie, but we did have to mop up the overflowed mess. If only we had disposable port-o-potties...that would be a perfect world.
Today, I made the most beautiful Boston Cream Pie, but I am so confused by them. They are made from cake mix...how are they pies? There isn't even a crust. It's like false advertising. I made it because my mom is trying to get my brother to start a diet, and I just love to watch him squirm. What's more tempting than a warm Boston Cream Pake (I'll compromise) with homemade chocolate coating slowly dripping down the sides of a double layered yellow cake that houses a pile of delicious vanilla pudding in the middle. I also made it because it was a double batched recipe, so Colin will finally get to eat some cake that I made (he doesn't get it very often because my family usually demolishes it before he gets it.)
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Well folks, I have both good news and bad news. The good news is: the lockness monster does, in fact, exist, and I believe I may have found him. The bad news is: HE IS IN MY TOILET! (well plumbing...but my toilet is part of that.) It all started early Thursday morning. I went potty for the third time that night (like usual...I think my bladder stores the equivalent of a Capri Sun) around 4 a.m. I peed, wiped, and flushed. God Bless America. As I was nestled back into my comfy (that's an overstatement; I sleep in the same bed my mom slept in when she was my age) bed, I hear what sounds like a lawn mower. My first thought, "How efficient! Someone is trying to mow their yard at a more eco friendly time of day!" (Global warming people!) Then I realized it was coming from inside the house, and as often as I have begged to have grass planted in the kitchen, it is yet to happen. Ever since then, our toilet makes this OWEIRJWIOSICFEOI sound about 14 seconds after you flush it, and if you sit on the toilet long enough after you flush, it sort of rumbles with the growl (I tried it). Dad says we have an air pocket or something in our pipes. Give me a break! I know it's the lockness monster...but you know...the more I think of it...maybe an air bubble makes sense. It would explain where all the farts go....hmmm....
Anyways, toilets are pretty much stupid anyways. We're always like, "What would I do without indoor plumbing?" I'll tell you what I would do. I would NEVER have to clean up an overflowing toilet in a Subway bathroom!! You see, someone thought that the toilet looked like a much more logical place than the trashcan to toss the very thick paper towels that she dried her hands off with. I was panning bread, and I hear.."EMILY!! EMILY!!!" My coworker was in the women's restroom staring at an overflowing toilet. The water was rising quicker than we could clean it up, so we had to sandbag ourselves into the kitchen using all the footlong pieces of bread. When the water started dissolving the bread, all we could do was cling onto pieces of floating fresh vegetables so we didn't drown. Ok...everything after "at an overflowing toilet" was a lie, but we did have to mop up the overflowed mess. If only we had disposable port-o-potties...that would be a perfect world.
Today, I made the most beautiful Boston Cream Pie, but I am so confused by them. They are made from cake mix...how are they pies? There isn't even a crust. It's like false advertising. I made it because my mom is trying to get my brother to start a diet, and I just love to watch him squirm. What's more tempting than a warm Boston Cream Pake (I'll compromise) with homemade chocolate coating slowly dripping down the sides of a double layered yellow cake that houses a pile of delicious vanilla pudding in the middle. I also made it because it was a double batched recipe, so Colin will finally get to eat some cake that I made (he doesn't get it very often because my family usually demolishes it before he gets it.)
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Thursday, June 3, 2010
"I'll Have A Little Bit of A Lot of Salt and Pepper on the Tomatoes"
Hi friends,
Another uneventful day in the life of Emily Eileen Shellabarger. Summer is becoming quite, dare I say, BORING! So getting stomach ulcers and reading the equivalent of 15 Bibles every night during the school year isn't exactly a cup of Diet Cream Soda, but this workout, work, sleep thing is a Chinese finger trap on your thumb. My day itself was quite boring, but I witnessed and heard an abundance of interesting things throughout this bleh day.
First of all, I witnessed a woman breaking the cardinal sin of both working out and beverage drinking. This is NOT a lie; it's so unbelievable. So I am ellipticalling, sweating like a pig, listening to Lady GaGa, and reading Peter Pan (I have an Ereader and I am currently reading Peter Pan..JUDGE ME!) when a woman comes in wearing spandex capris and a tight pink shirt - she was not an extremely large woman, but my personal opinion is that only professional beach volleyball players should work out in spandex in public. She mounted the elliptical next to me and an aroma of sweet coffee scent filled my nose. I removed myself from Neverland and noticed that she was drinking a CAPPUCINO ON THE ELLIPTICAL!! Was she just planning on strolling through the park?! Because I am pretty sure the elliptical doesn't have a "strolling through the park while drinking a 500 calorie cappucino" setting. She was like an ellipticalling oxymoron. Burning calories, taking them in, burning them, taking them in.
My next two interesting experiences occurred at work. As much as people make me want to stub every toe by drop kicking a pile of bricks, they also make me giddy. Exhibit A) A young boy (probably like 6 years old) came in with his mother. "Hey Johnny (we will call him Johnny), what kind of sub do you want?" "UH I want cucumbers." "I know, but what kind of sub?" "UH..." His deliberation went on for about 3.5 minutes before he decided upon turkey. I then asked him if he wanted anything else but cucumbers and he looked at me and said, "When I put my arm up to the TV, the hairs stick straight up." Children are God's gift to fast food workers. Please, for just one second, imagine your mom looking at the McDonald's cashier and say, "When I do the dishes, my fingers look like prunes." It just wouldn't happen; without children, the life of a fast food worker would simply be full of people who act like the worst thing that has ever happened to them is the fact that you put 6 pickles on their sub instead of 8.
Speaking of decorating a sub, my final interesting occurrence was provided by an adult. I realized that Subway workers must be able to translate each persons' order into, what I call, the Subway Formula of Excellence. You see, my "a bit" may be your "a lot," or Bob saying, "Extra onions," may be Shelly's normal amount of onions. Therefore, I have developed a formula. If it could be written out, it would look something like: word choice + facial reaction upon putting on topping x body mass of customer = Subway Excellence. So far, so good. However, today I had a man who stumped the formula. This formula is difficult to use for salt, pepper, and oregano, so you just have to wing those. Also, this man used the most interesting word choice I have ever heard. "I will have a little bit of a lot of salt and pepper on the tomatoes." HMM..maybe he is dating the ellipticalling oxymoron because "SIR THAT MADE NO SENSE AT ALL!" So I just shook the shaker til it looked right. God Bless America.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Another uneventful day in the life of Emily Eileen Shellabarger. Summer is becoming quite, dare I say, BORING! So getting stomach ulcers and reading the equivalent of 15 Bibles every night during the school year isn't exactly a cup of Diet Cream Soda, but this workout, work, sleep thing is a Chinese finger trap on your thumb. My day itself was quite boring, but I witnessed and heard an abundance of interesting things throughout this bleh day.
First of all, I witnessed a woman breaking the cardinal sin of both working out and beverage drinking. This is NOT a lie; it's so unbelievable. So I am ellipticalling, sweating like a pig, listening to Lady GaGa, and reading Peter Pan (I have an Ereader and I am currently reading Peter Pan..JUDGE ME!) when a woman comes in wearing spandex capris and a tight pink shirt - she was not an extremely large woman, but my personal opinion is that only professional beach volleyball players should work out in spandex in public. She mounted the elliptical next to me and an aroma of sweet coffee scent filled my nose. I removed myself from Neverland and noticed that she was drinking a CAPPUCINO ON THE ELLIPTICAL!! Was she just planning on strolling through the park?! Because I am pretty sure the elliptical doesn't have a "strolling through the park while drinking a 500 calorie cappucino" setting. She was like an ellipticalling oxymoron. Burning calories, taking them in, burning them, taking them in.
My next two interesting experiences occurred at work. As much as people make me want to stub every toe by drop kicking a pile of bricks, they also make me giddy. Exhibit A) A young boy (probably like 6 years old) came in with his mother. "Hey Johnny (we will call him Johnny), what kind of sub do you want?" "UH I want cucumbers." "I know, but what kind of sub?" "UH..." His deliberation went on for about 3.5 minutes before he decided upon turkey. I then asked him if he wanted anything else but cucumbers and he looked at me and said, "When I put my arm up to the TV, the hairs stick straight up." Children are God's gift to fast food workers. Please, for just one second, imagine your mom looking at the McDonald's cashier and say, "When I do the dishes, my fingers look like prunes." It just wouldn't happen; without children, the life of a fast food worker would simply be full of people who act like the worst thing that has ever happened to them is the fact that you put 6 pickles on their sub instead of 8.
Speaking of decorating a sub, my final interesting occurrence was provided by an adult. I realized that Subway workers must be able to translate each persons' order into, what I call, the Subway Formula of Excellence. You see, my "a bit" may be your "a lot," or Bob saying, "Extra onions," may be Shelly's normal amount of onions. Therefore, I have developed a formula. If it could be written out, it would look something like: word choice + facial reaction upon putting on topping x body mass of customer = Subway Excellence. So far, so good. However, today I had a man who stumped the formula. This formula is difficult to use for salt, pepper, and oregano, so you just have to wing those. Also, this man used the most interesting word choice I have ever heard. "I will have a little bit of a lot of salt and pepper on the tomatoes." HMM..maybe he is dating the ellipticalling oxymoron because "SIR THAT MADE NO SENSE AT ALL!" So I just shook the shaker til it looked right. God Bless America.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Why Are The Little Candy Bars "Fun-Sized"...I Have More Fun With A Normal Sized One
Hi,
I ate a hot dog today...KIDDING..it was a Reese Cup Blizzard, but they're basically the same thing. It was a wonderfully delicious Blizzard, but the girl who made it seemed to have overestimated the amount of ice cream needed because there was a second small Blizzard towering over the rim of my first small Blizzard. I was not the slightest bit angry...not even for a second..ok maybe for like 4.2 seconds when it kept leaking onto my fingers (did I mention the girl forgot to give me napkins?)
Anyways, I made the most amazing cake today. I named it Pamela (I like to name inanimate objects, and this cake was extravagent enough to be named Pamela.) It was a triple chocolate, double layer cake with butter cream frosting garnished with crunched Twix bars. God came into my kitchen with Barbara Walters and asked for a piece; that's how delicious it was. My mom had a piece for lunch, and then she had a piece of the cream cheese cake she made Monday for dessert. She's a mom though, so she is allowed to have a pure cake diet.
I like getting ready for work. There is no pressure to it at all because I know that I am going to smell like a sub, be covered in mustard, and mess up my hair by hitting my head on the cooler within 10 minutes of being at work, so I just have to sneeze into my make up case (to powder my face of course) and toss my hair into a messy bun. The only problem with my uniform is that it's unisex. I happen to be what I like to call a "male-sized female." And since I have lost some weight, the fatty masses that are between between chin and belly button are not as prominent as they used to be. Subway workers also don't wear name tags. Sneezing into my make up case doesn't put on mascara or eye liner and my pants cover my hairless legs, so I can easily be confused as a boy. Once while working at McDonalds, a young boy asked his grandma, "Is that a boy or a girl?" The grandma was more embarrassed than I was, but I have actually been pretty self concious about it since. As if hitting my head on the 5'8'' freezer doorway everyday isn't enough punishment for being a large woman, young children also have to question if I sit or stand to pee. God Bless America.
I know where Jelly Bellys got their names. I just ate so many of them I fell like someone broke a jar of jelly and is pushing the shards of broken glass into my belly. Just saying.
Fascinating Quote of the Day: "This purse is kind of a nuisance. The opening isn't big enough for me to put my quilt in." My mother..she knits.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
I ate a hot dog today...KIDDING..it was a Reese Cup Blizzard, but they're basically the same thing. It was a wonderfully delicious Blizzard, but the girl who made it seemed to have overestimated the amount of ice cream needed because there was a second small Blizzard towering over the rim of my first small Blizzard. I was not the slightest bit angry...not even for a second..ok maybe for like 4.2 seconds when it kept leaking onto my fingers (did I mention the girl forgot to give me napkins?)
Anyways, I made the most amazing cake today. I named it Pamela (I like to name inanimate objects, and this cake was extravagent enough to be named Pamela.) It was a triple chocolate, double layer cake with butter cream frosting garnished with crunched Twix bars. God came into my kitchen with Barbara Walters and asked for a piece; that's how delicious it was. My mom had a piece for lunch, and then she had a piece of the cream cheese cake she made Monday for dessert. She's a mom though, so she is allowed to have a pure cake diet.
I like getting ready for work. There is no pressure to it at all because I know that I am going to smell like a sub, be covered in mustard, and mess up my hair by hitting my head on the cooler within 10 minutes of being at work, so I just have to sneeze into my make up case (to powder my face of course) and toss my hair into a messy bun. The only problem with my uniform is that it's unisex. I happen to be what I like to call a "male-sized female." And since I have lost some weight, the fatty masses that are between between chin and belly button are not as prominent as they used to be. Subway workers also don't wear name tags. Sneezing into my make up case doesn't put on mascara or eye liner and my pants cover my hairless legs, so I can easily be confused as a boy. Once while working at McDonalds, a young boy asked his grandma, "Is that a boy or a girl?" The grandma was more embarrassed than I was, but I have actually been pretty self concious about it since. As if hitting my head on the 5'8'' freezer doorway everyday isn't enough punishment for being a large woman, young children also have to question if I sit or stand to pee. God Bless America.
I know where Jelly Bellys got their names. I just ate so many of them I fell like someone broke a jar of jelly and is pushing the shards of broken glass into my belly. Just saying.
Fascinating Quote of the Day: "This purse is kind of a nuisance. The opening isn't big enough for me to put my quilt in." My mother..she knits.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Am I Allowed to Eat 2 Bananas in 1 Day?
Well Hello,
Exhaustion is approaching me faster than a used car salesman who hasn't sold a car in 3 weeks, so I really hope I make it through. Today, I want to tell you about something that's annoying, but it really shouldn't be. This morning, I took my brother and sister out for breakfast at Robert Evans (some call him Bob, but he told me he prefers Robert). I was being a wonderful sister and assumed that my sibilings would get the drift that I am paying so you find one of the more cheaper items and get water. Well, that memo stopped right before my brother got it. He got an open-faced pulled pork sandwich and home fries FOR BREAKFAST!!! Our waitress bent the rules for him since he doesn't like eggs. This meal happened to be $9.28..and you know what he washed the $9.28 down with? Water? Maybe if we were in a perfect world...he chased the pork down with $1.79 Diet Pepsi. Don't worry though, my sister got a child's french toast meal that was only 2 bucks, and I got a coffee...only a coffee...because my brother was across the table eating Babe and half of Idaho. I love him though, and I love doing those kind of things for them every once in a while.
Now where was I, o yes, other than people spending a lot of YOUR money...I am also annoyed by waitresses who give me more coffee without asking if I want it. It sounds like I am complaining, but does anyone understand how much this messes up my coffee drinking experience?! First, it messes up my cream/sweetener to coffee ratio. Umm HI..I like my coffee to be a delicious mix of bold, Columbian flavors with a gentle hint of the finest CoffeeMate cream and a touch of sweetness from my Equal. When you pour more coffee into my cup without asking me, instead of my heavenly coffee experience, I get a bitter swallow of scolding hot Satan water. I then have to add more cream (which isn't a huge deal because they have those cute little cream holders with the spout..I enjoy spouts) and Equal. The Equal is what is embarrassing. I end up with a pile of Equal wrappers that not only EQUAtes(I rock) to like 6 trees (global warming people!), but it also makes me look like a 12 year old who needs a million sugars in her coffee instead of the sophisticated adult I am! That's how much it messes up my cup. And speaking of scolding, pouring unwanted coffee into my mug also makes it 82342039 GAZILLION degrees hotter. Some people enjoy their coffee to be warmed, but I just don't like the feeling of a blow torch being ignited down my esophagus...maybe I'm weird? I enjoy free refills, don't get me wrong..WHEN I WANT THEM!! So moral of the story, please ask me before you pour Satan's armpit sweat into my coffee mug. And if you do not ask me, be prepared to fill a garbage bag full of empty Equal wrappers when you clean off my table.
I'm done. That was mean because I am tired. Sorry.
Quote of the Day by Grandma Shellabarger: "Why didn't you sit still and keep the fart in the chair?"
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Exhaustion is approaching me faster than a used car salesman who hasn't sold a car in 3 weeks, so I really hope I make it through. Today, I want to tell you about something that's annoying, but it really shouldn't be. This morning, I took my brother and sister out for breakfast at Robert Evans (some call him Bob, but he told me he prefers Robert). I was being a wonderful sister and assumed that my sibilings would get the drift that I am paying so you find one of the more cheaper items and get water. Well, that memo stopped right before my brother got it. He got an open-faced pulled pork sandwich and home fries FOR BREAKFAST!!! Our waitress bent the rules for him since he doesn't like eggs. This meal happened to be $9.28..and you know what he washed the $9.28 down with? Water? Maybe if we were in a perfect world...he chased the pork down with $1.79 Diet Pepsi. Don't worry though, my sister got a child's french toast meal that was only 2 bucks, and I got a coffee...only a coffee...because my brother was across the table eating Babe and half of Idaho. I love him though, and I love doing those kind of things for them every once in a while.
Now where was I, o yes, other than people spending a lot of YOUR money...I am also annoyed by waitresses who give me more coffee without asking if I want it. It sounds like I am complaining, but does anyone understand how much this messes up my coffee drinking experience?! First, it messes up my cream/sweetener to coffee ratio. Umm HI..I like my coffee to be a delicious mix of bold, Columbian flavors with a gentle hint of the finest CoffeeMate cream and a touch of sweetness from my Equal. When you pour more coffee into my cup without asking me, instead of my heavenly coffee experience, I get a bitter swallow of scolding hot Satan water. I then have to add more cream (which isn't a huge deal because they have those cute little cream holders with the spout..I enjoy spouts) and Equal. The Equal is what is embarrassing. I end up with a pile of Equal wrappers that not only EQUAtes(I rock) to like 6 trees (global warming people!), but it also makes me look like a 12 year old who needs a million sugars in her coffee instead of the sophisticated adult I am! That's how much it messes up my cup. And speaking of scolding, pouring unwanted coffee into my mug also makes it 82342039 GAZILLION degrees hotter. Some people enjoy their coffee to be warmed, but I just don't like the feeling of a blow torch being ignited down my esophagus...maybe I'm weird? I enjoy free refills, don't get me wrong..WHEN I WANT THEM!! So moral of the story, please ask me before you pour Satan's armpit sweat into my coffee mug. And if you do not ask me, be prepared to fill a garbage bag full of empty Equal wrappers when you clean off my table.
I'm done. That was mean because I am tired. Sorry.
Quote of the Day by Grandma Shellabarger: "Why didn't you sit still and keep the fart in the chair?"
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Monday, May 31, 2010
"You're not Laura are you?"
RAWWWR,
Today was such an amazing day; I hope I can do it justice with this blog. I woke up at 6:22 a.m. I should have known it was going to be a perfect day when my favorite Saved By the Bell was on at 7 (the one where Zach spies on the girls, they find out, and they lead him to believe Kelly is crazy...classic!). Anyways, I headed off to Delphos around 7:45 because Colin and I were having a day at the zoo.
O the zoo! The animals are absolutely awesome!! And the people you see there are even better. It wasn't too busy in the morning because the forecast was worse than the feeling you get when you're out of milk after you've already poured cereal. We started at the monkeys...it's impossible to not start at the monkeys at the zoo. The monkeys were cuter than a second grader trying to read, but we were distracted from their picking of parasitic bugs off each others' behinds by the hair cut on a small boy in front of us. The beauty of a place like the zoo is that you can take pictures of all the weird stuff you see (including people), but you can pretend you were taking pictures of the animals. Here, my friends, is one of the BEST mullets I have ever seen in person.
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
After the mullet, I thought life couldn't get any better. O but I was wrong. My favorite exhibit of the entire zoo was the giraffes. Why? I am pretty sure it was simply a family reunion that I was not invited to. I know that I am a direct descendent of giraffes because the giraffes looked at me like, "Don't I know you from somewhere?" (I have pictures to prove it.) Giraffes also eat up to like 30 pounds of lettuce a day...remember how I said I was trying to be a hippie? Scratch that, I am trying to be a giraffe!
Another highlight of the day was the feeding of the goats, which might I add, was quite successful for me. The woman who handed out the food said, "You are berry tood at tis" (translation: "You are very good at this.") You see, goats like food more than my brother likes pizza rolls, so when you introduce food to them, you are at their mercy. I was feeding the goats like a nice citizen, and they decided to jump on me. Not just jump, but stand...GOATS ARE HEAVY. Goats also have poop on their paws, and they don't have the decency to wipe it off before they jump on your white shirt. So I had poop-covered goat hooves smashing my spleen for about 4 minutes. I am assuming I was "berry tood at it" because I was not killed by the goats.
Goats like Colin,
but they cover Emily in poop.
Then there was a DOWNPOUR, and Colin and I were chased by a peacock to safety. But the downpour didn't last too painfully long (long enough to soak my white shirt and make my hair more matted than the lions mane though). After the zoo, we headed to the mall where I found the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken!!!" If you have never seen it, find it, watch it, and plant a tree (I'm worried about global warming ok?)....CHIPOTLE!! We had that next, and I got to experience the, "No mom we weren't doing dirty things, I forgot to button my pants after Chipotle" bloatedness for the whole ride home, but it was worth it for the 13 minutes in vegetarian burrito heaven.
2 brilliant quotes of the day. Random woman in the parking lot who was driving by slowly and staring, "You're not Laura are you?" (I'm not Laura, in case you were confused). And, Chipotle worker, "Do you want meat on your vegetarian burrito?"
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Yo momma's so dumb she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W&Ws
Hey ladies and gentlemen,
I am exhausted. I'm exhausted because I am finally a stupid grown up. I work and work and work then I rush and rush and rush. I am 6 cup sizes and one ugly pair of pants away from being my mom. I worked today from 8:45-2. Remember how we were busier than a Florida Kroger during a hurricane warning? Well, everyone must have been eating the other half of their 5 dollar footlong today because like 5 people came in the whole shift. Sounds good right? WRONG! Because now Jordan and I must find things to do, like cleaning the cookie holder. It's easy, don't get me wrong, but OO the temptation. I felt like Eve. The green sugar cookie was screaming, "EAT ME," but my boss in the back of my mind saying, "UNEMPLOYMENT." So I didn't eat it, even though the paper said "Clean out the cookie holder." Wouldn't cleaning it out TECHNICALLY mean getting rid of the cookies too? (PS: I was in no way comparing my boss to God in the Eve reference..BAHA..I just laughed out loud at the thought. Good guy...yea, but God...ehh..not quite.)
So after work, I had to rush to Delphos to celebrate Lillian's birthday with my 2 favorite children on earth, and no I am not saying this because I know you're reading Valerie. Believe it or not, Lillian and Sebastian are my 2 favorite children ever. For those of you who don't know who I am speaking of, I am talking about Colin's niece and nephew. Anyways, Lillian's 5th birthday was today. She greeted me with a thumb war. She is queen of thumb wars; she always beats me. (I let people think I let her beat me, but the truth is...she has really strong thumbs.) I beat her in staring contests though, but that's only because she forgets to breath too. Sebastian is my other boyfriend, but it's ok because he is cheating on me with Steph, Colin's brother's fiance. He HAD to show me his room in his new house (I think he was just trying to get me in his room..GOO..that was wrong..he's four), but he was so proud. And even though he yells everything he says to the point where the veins in his neck stick out, I still enjoy every conversation I have with him. Another small child with a cut on the bridge of her nose was following us around. I wondered where she got the cut, but then I heard her fall down a few steps and realized she was me...just 16 years younger. I love the children ever so much, even if Colin thinks I am faking it. And shout out to Valerie for the kick butt cake; it was a hamburger..I'm pretty sure I saw Rachel Ray peaking in the window to try to take some lessons.
Quote of the day from Lillian: "I'm painting a multi-colored rainbow!"
P.S.: While Lillian and Sebastian are my favorite children, I would like to make it clear that Phoenix Tucker is, in fact, my favorite SMALL child. He cannot yet tell me about his amazing artistic skills or use me as a human jungle gym, so he still falls into the category of SMALL child.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
I am exhausted. I'm exhausted because I am finally a stupid grown up. I work and work and work then I rush and rush and rush. I am 6 cup sizes and one ugly pair of pants away from being my mom. I worked today from 8:45-2. Remember how we were busier than a Florida Kroger during a hurricane warning? Well, everyone must have been eating the other half of their 5 dollar footlong today because like 5 people came in the whole shift. Sounds good right? WRONG! Because now Jordan and I must find things to do, like cleaning the cookie holder. It's easy, don't get me wrong, but OO the temptation. I felt like Eve. The green sugar cookie was screaming, "EAT ME," but my boss in the back of my mind saying, "UNEMPLOYMENT." So I didn't eat it, even though the paper said "Clean out the cookie holder." Wouldn't cleaning it out TECHNICALLY mean getting rid of the cookies too? (PS: I was in no way comparing my boss to God in the Eve reference..BAHA..I just laughed out loud at the thought. Good guy...yea, but God...ehh..not quite.)
So after work, I had to rush to Delphos to celebrate Lillian's birthday with my 2 favorite children on earth, and no I am not saying this because I know you're reading Valerie. Believe it or not, Lillian and Sebastian are my 2 favorite children ever. For those of you who don't know who I am speaking of, I am talking about Colin's niece and nephew. Anyways, Lillian's 5th birthday was today. She greeted me with a thumb war. She is queen of thumb wars; she always beats me. (I let people think I let her beat me, but the truth is...she has really strong thumbs.) I beat her in staring contests though, but that's only because she forgets to breath too. Sebastian is my other boyfriend, but it's ok because he is cheating on me with Steph, Colin's brother's fiance. He HAD to show me his room in his new house (I think he was just trying to get me in his room..GOO..that was wrong..he's four), but he was so proud. And even though he yells everything he says to the point where the veins in his neck stick out, I still enjoy every conversation I have with him. Another small child with a cut on the bridge of her nose was following us around. I wondered where she got the cut, but then I heard her fall down a few steps and realized she was me...just 16 years younger. I love the children ever so much, even if Colin thinks I am faking it. And shout out to Valerie for the kick butt cake; it was a hamburger..I'm pretty sure I saw Rachel Ray peaking in the window to try to take some lessons.
Quote of the day from Lillian: "I'm painting a multi-colored rainbow!"
P.S.: While Lillian and Sebastian are my favorite children, I would like to make it clear that Phoenix Tucker is, in fact, my favorite SMALL child. He cannot yet tell me about his amazing artistic skills or use me as a human jungle gym, so he still falls into the category of SMALL child.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Saturday, May 29, 2010
"In Ohio women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear"...so if I'm not wearing underwear??
Hi guys!
I didn't blog yesterday. I am so very sorry. I'm not even going to make up an excuse. I just got back from the drive in way too late and basically fell asleep faster than a narcaleptic full of Nyquil. I saw "How to Train Your Dragon," which was quite good. The second movie was "Date Night." I was concerned this movie would let me down because Tina Fey and Steve Carell are more fun than a box of Rice Krispies (really..have you ever just looked into a box of Rice Krispies? It's so funny..plus they talk!) Anyways, I figured it would never match up to my high expectations of Steve and Tina. However, I WAS WRONG!! I personally loved it!
Today, I realized that I am too judgmental of people who ride my bumper when I drive. You know who that feeling..."THIS GUY WON'T GET OFF MY [EXPLICIT]. IT'S [EXPLICIT]ING ANNOYING!" You see, we always assume that the people riding our bumpers are just jerks who think they are in more of a hurry than anyone else, but today, I was the bumper rider. I was the bumper rider, not because I just felt like being a boob, but because I had to poo like you would never believe. I took the minivan to Wal Mart, and this load came out of no where. Because of my serious fear of public bathrooms (i'm scared of vomit, heights, and public bathrooms in that order), I risked carrying my dinner in my new panties just to drive all the way across town to grandma's toilet, which is probably ickier than Wal Mart's (we all know how grandmas' toilets are). So I am driving as fast as possible, and I am basically sitting on top of the Buick in front of me. They were not happy...I could just feel it...ehh...maybe that was just poop cramps. Long story short, don't get so angry at bumper riders...they might have to poop.
At work today, I served enough food to feed every person in the Chinese phonebook. I'm pretty sure that everyone in the state of Ohio had a conference call and said, "Let's go to Subway at the exact same time and make Emily cry." Everything was going well, Sarah and I made a 7 sub platter. Platters are fun because you don't have someone leaning over the sneeze guard (it's the glass thing covering the veggies..that's its real name...so fascinating) staring at their sub to make sure that each banana pepper is cocked at a 96 degree angle. After the platter, the madness began. I had someone call in 6 subs. I was making those then about 20 people came in..no joke. So I am barrelling through these subs; I think I may still have a pickle in my pants, and the man comes in for the 6 subs. So now I am trying to make 6 subs while hurdling the subs Sarah is trying to make for the people in the store. Then the drive thru thing goes off.."Hi, Welcome to Subway; I'll be with you in a minute." Back to the six subs...okay,..done with the six subs...more people in line...twenty minutes passing..DING-drive thru goes off..."Hi, Welcome to Subway; I'll be with you in a minute." "I HAVE BEEN WAITING HERE!!" "Ahh crap!..Go ahead when you're ready." Guess who forgot someone was in the drive thru?? Me and her became best friends. God Bless America. Sorry that was a little excessive, but it was sooooo horrible. I still love this job though..I love people.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
I didn't blog yesterday. I am so very sorry. I'm not even going to make up an excuse. I just got back from the drive in way too late and basically fell asleep faster than a narcaleptic full of Nyquil. I saw "How to Train Your Dragon," which was quite good. The second movie was "Date Night." I was concerned this movie would let me down because Tina Fey and Steve Carell are more fun than a box of Rice Krispies (really..have you ever just looked into a box of Rice Krispies? It's so funny..plus they talk!) Anyways, I figured it would never match up to my high expectations of Steve and Tina. However, I WAS WRONG!! I personally loved it!
Today, I realized that I am too judgmental of people who ride my bumper when I drive. You know who that feeling..."THIS GUY WON'T GET OFF MY [EXPLICIT]. IT'S [EXPLICIT]ING ANNOYING!" You see, we always assume that the people riding our bumpers are just jerks who think they are in more of a hurry than anyone else, but today, I was the bumper rider. I was the bumper rider, not because I just felt like being a boob, but because I had to poo like you would never believe. I took the minivan to Wal Mart, and this load came out of no where. Because of my serious fear of public bathrooms (i'm scared of vomit, heights, and public bathrooms in that order), I risked carrying my dinner in my new panties just to drive all the way across town to grandma's toilet, which is probably ickier than Wal Mart's (we all know how grandmas' toilets are). So I am driving as fast as possible, and I am basically sitting on top of the Buick in front of me. They were not happy...I could just feel it...ehh...maybe that was just poop cramps. Long story short, don't get so angry at bumper riders...they might have to poop.
At work today, I served enough food to feed every person in the Chinese phonebook. I'm pretty sure that everyone in the state of Ohio had a conference call and said, "Let's go to Subway at the exact same time and make Emily cry." Everything was going well, Sarah and I made a 7 sub platter. Platters are fun because you don't have someone leaning over the sneeze guard (it's the glass thing covering the veggies..that's its real name...so fascinating) staring at their sub to make sure that each banana pepper is cocked at a 96 degree angle. After the platter, the madness began. I had someone call in 6 subs. I was making those then about 20 people came in..no joke. So I am barrelling through these subs; I think I may still have a pickle in my pants, and the man comes in for the 6 subs. So now I am trying to make 6 subs while hurdling the subs Sarah is trying to make for the people in the store. Then the drive thru thing goes off.."Hi, Welcome to Subway; I'll be with you in a minute." Back to the six subs...okay,..done with the six subs...more people in line...twenty minutes passing..DING-drive thru goes off..."Hi, Welcome to Subway; I'll be with you in a minute." "I HAVE BEEN WAITING HERE!!" "Ahh crap!..Go ahead when you're ready." Guess who forgot someone was in the drive thru?? Me and her became best friends. God Bless America. Sorry that was a little excessive, but it was sooooo horrible. I still love this job though..I love people.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Thursday, May 27, 2010
"Weather Forecast for Tonigh: Dark" George Carlin
Hello HEllo HELlo HELLo HELLO,
O hey, nice to talk to you again. I'm so very, very, very tired. You don't care...so anyways, I worked today. I closed actually. This is the definition of scary. Leave the oven on..BOOM..no more Subway for anyone. Forget to lock the doors..CHA-CHING..Emily looses millions of dollars. But, I did those two things, and I flushed both the toilets so I think I am ok. I hate Mayo...if I could marry a condiment, I would marry Mayo, have its child, then divorce it and take all its money. That's how much I hate it. So we were busy today, and I was making subs faster than an octopus with fingers. This woman told me to put Mayo on her sub, so I was in the process of doing so. I looked at the bottle and thought, "I wonder where the sticker that is usually on top that says 'Mayonaise'?" I didn't ponder too long because we were busy; I just squirted the bottle at the sandwich. Nothing came out, so I squirted harder..and harder..and harder...until I realized everyone was laughing (it took me a while to realize it because "California Gurls" was playing on the radio, and I was dancing on a table in daisy dukes in my head). I then heard, "EMILY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I looked over and realized I had been holding the bottle upside down and was covering my coworker in Mayo. God Bless America. If everyone would just hate Mayo as much as me, we could feed it to dogs (I hate dogs) and then I wouldn't have covered half of Subway in it.
I tried greek yogurt today. I enjoyed it, but I think it's only because my vegetarianism has allowed me to eat things that taste like bodily functions. For example, hummus sort of tastes like what you would think a fart would taste like. But for some reason, I love it...do I talk about farts too much? Well, this greek yogurt kind of tasted like phlegm. And it came with a little bit of peach on the side that I am assuming I was supposed to stir in. The peach concoction resembled baby poop..I don't think it tasted like baby poop (but then again, I have never had baby poop, so it could taste like peaches for all I know). Long story short, it wasn't that bad..a little bitter. I do know it's even better than real yogurt and quite filling...WOOO..and it fits into the hippie mentality too.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
O hey, nice to talk to you again. I'm so very, very, very tired. You don't care...so anyways, I worked today. I closed actually. This is the definition of scary. Leave the oven on..BOOM..no more Subway for anyone. Forget to lock the doors..CHA-CHING..Emily looses millions of dollars. But, I did those two things, and I flushed both the toilets so I think I am ok. I hate Mayo...if I could marry a condiment, I would marry Mayo, have its child, then divorce it and take all its money. That's how much I hate it. So we were busy today, and I was making subs faster than an octopus with fingers. This woman told me to put Mayo on her sub, so I was in the process of doing so. I looked at the bottle and thought, "I wonder where the sticker that is usually on top that says 'Mayonaise'?" I didn't ponder too long because we were busy; I just squirted the bottle at the sandwich. Nothing came out, so I squirted harder..and harder..and harder...until I realized everyone was laughing (it took me a while to realize it because "California Gurls" was playing on the radio, and I was dancing on a table in daisy dukes in my head). I then heard, "EMILY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I looked over and realized I had been holding the bottle upside down and was covering my coworker in Mayo. God Bless America. If everyone would just hate Mayo as much as me, we could feed it to dogs (I hate dogs) and then I wouldn't have covered half of Subway in it.
I tried greek yogurt today. I enjoyed it, but I think it's only because my vegetarianism has allowed me to eat things that taste like bodily functions. For example, hummus sort of tastes like what you would think a fart would taste like. But for some reason, I love it...do I talk about farts too much? Well, this greek yogurt kind of tasted like phlegm. And it came with a little bit of peach on the side that I am assuming I was supposed to stir in. The peach concoction resembled baby poop..I don't think it tasted like baby poop (but then again, I have never had baby poop, so it could taste like peaches for all I know). Long story short, it wasn't that bad..a little bitter. I do know it's even better than real yogurt and quite filling...WOOO..and it fits into the hippie mentality too.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
"Can You Cut That Sub In Half Then Cut The Half In Half? Left, Left, No A Little Right..THERE!"
It's Ms. Jackson if you're nasty,
I am currently blogging during the American Idol Season Finale. Yes, the government did call to tell me I was being deported for this act. I have noticed a few things throughout these 2 hours of pure filler (which is not all bad, don't get me wrong.) These are in no particular order. Janet Jackson was much more fun when she was nasty. She is currently repeating "trust in me." "Well Janet, I can't trust you if you don't SHUT UP and tell me who wins American Idol!" OMYGOSHNESS!! NASTY BOYS! Please forgive me for speaking too soon. I will now watch Ms. Jackson get nasty...be right back...ok..back to my observations. Kelly Clarkson has, in fact, gained so much weight that she now weighs more than Reuben. Chicago is still one of my least favorite bands...and cities while we're talking about it. If Carrie Underwood came to my door right now smeared in goose poop, carrying a hippo carcas, and talking about math, I would still marry her. And Christina Aguilera was much better looking when she was a genie. But then again, she is beautiful, no matter what they say....even if I say she looks like a duck.
Today was an absolutely AWESOME day. I got to interview Major Teri Andreoni over the phone for a piece I wrote for the newspaper. OOO phone interview, what's fun about that Emily? Well judgmental bloggers, SHE IS IN IRAQ! She was absolutely amazing and is a role model for all young women. I hope I did her justice with the 600 words I was alotted. Let's see, what happened after that? O yea..work. 4-8, the easiest shift on the face of the earth right? WRONG! Everyone and their 2nd cousins wanted a sub today. My boobs were sweating more than an eskimo in an oven, but there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it. I guess boob sweat on subs isn't appetizing..who knows? But, I did get one of the best compliments of my life. I made this very sunburnt, yet very nice, woman a couple subs. When she was getting checked out, she told my boss, "This girl is such a nice girl; I really like her." No, I didn't know her thank you very much!!! It's just one of those little things that help you get through the day; she doesn't realize how much it meant to me.
O man!! THE RESULTS!! My life is in this envelope!! If it's not Crystal, I will poop all over my chair! I love this chair! I can't do this...I just chewed off my thumb...O goodness..RYAN TELL ME!!....THE WINNER OF AMERICAN IDOL 2010 IS LEE DEWYZE...Thank Buddha I put Depends on today; I really love this chair. F' this, I'm going to bed!
Keep Letting It Be (EXCEPT FOR YOU LEE DEWYZE)
Em
I am currently blogging during the American Idol Season Finale. Yes, the government did call to tell me I was being deported for this act. I have noticed a few things throughout these 2 hours of pure filler (which is not all bad, don't get me wrong.) These are in no particular order. Janet Jackson was much more fun when she was nasty. She is currently repeating "trust in me." "Well Janet, I can't trust you if you don't SHUT UP and tell me who wins American Idol!" OMYGOSHNESS!! NASTY BOYS! Please forgive me for speaking too soon. I will now watch Ms. Jackson get nasty...be right back...ok..back to my observations. Kelly Clarkson has, in fact, gained so much weight that she now weighs more than Reuben. Chicago is still one of my least favorite bands...and cities while we're talking about it. If Carrie Underwood came to my door right now smeared in goose poop, carrying a hippo carcas, and talking about math, I would still marry her. And Christina Aguilera was much better looking when she was a genie. But then again, she is beautiful, no matter what they say....even if I say she looks like a duck.
Today was an absolutely AWESOME day. I got to interview Major Teri Andreoni over the phone for a piece I wrote for the newspaper. OOO phone interview, what's fun about that Emily? Well judgmental bloggers, SHE IS IN IRAQ! She was absolutely amazing and is a role model for all young women. I hope I did her justice with the 600 words I was alotted. Let's see, what happened after that? O yea..work. 4-8, the easiest shift on the face of the earth right? WRONG! Everyone and their 2nd cousins wanted a sub today. My boobs were sweating more than an eskimo in an oven, but there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it. I guess boob sweat on subs isn't appetizing..who knows? But, I did get one of the best compliments of my life. I made this very sunburnt, yet very nice, woman a couple subs. When she was getting checked out, she told my boss, "This girl is such a nice girl; I really like her." No, I didn't know her thank you very much!!! It's just one of those little things that help you get through the day; she doesn't realize how much it meant to me.
O man!! THE RESULTS!! My life is in this envelope!! If it's not Crystal, I will poop all over my chair! I love this chair! I can't do this...I just chewed off my thumb...O goodness..RYAN TELL ME!!....THE WINNER OF AMERICAN IDOL 2010 IS LEE DEWYZE...Thank Buddha I put Depends on today; I really love this chair. F' this, I'm going to bed!
Keep Letting It Be (EXCEPT FOR YOU LEE DEWYZE)
Em
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Food Takes 24 Hours to Complete Its 30 Foot Path Through Your Body: Proof That Taco Bell is NOT Food
O hey,
Biggest Loser is officially making me fat. I am again glued to the screen, and I am again eating...mindlessly. Anyways, it's time for a blog. I want to use this blog to apologize for something that has been eating me alive. It is affecting my family and those around me. It's costing my family extra money. It is hurting the environment, and I am just tired of hiding it from everyone. I feel so ashamed for saying this, but you are the only people I trust. Here I go...please don't hate me....I'M THE ONE WHO USES THE EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF TOILET PAPER IN THE BATHROOM!!! phew..there..i said it. And it's not that I try to do this, I just pee ALL the time. Like I sincerely believe that I have a garden hose that runs from my throat to my..uhh..pee hole and God forgot to turn the spigot off when he made me. I once swallowed a raindrop and peed my pants. But no one I ever talk to seems to have problem with it, so I continue to urinate 54042894233450948 times an hour and hope no vital organs fall out. Because of this excessive urination, my father is forced to visit the dollar store approximately three times a day. That's every four waking hours on the hour...we'll just say Norm, the cashier, knows my dad by name.
So, along with my urination problem, I also have a problem with swallowing gum. That might be because I have a stomach that is always yelling, "GIVE ME SOMETHING TO TURN INTO ACID THAT I WILL PUSH BACK UP YOUR THROAT WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING!" My boyfriend doesn't understand how I do it, but I must buy the special gum with legs that walks down my throat. This normally isn't as big of a concern as my frequent urination. It only become a concern about every 3 weeks when the pieces of gum pass through the 30 feet of my body. This time, it was at Wal Mart. Everyime this happens, I want to call Double Bubble and tell them that half their manufactured product for the past month is floating in a toilet in Celina, Ohio. God Bless America!
By the way, I left about halfway through this blog to get a Oreo Cheesequake Blizzard. I told you Biggest Loser makes me hungry. Well today was buy one get one for a quarter, so I took my brother. The Dairy Queen was so crowded, it made New York Times look like the stands of a WNBA game. The Dairy Queen actually closed 27 minutes early (2 customers after us) because they were just so swamped. We waited a long while for our blizzards, so we got mediums instead of smalls for our wait. Normal people would be ecstatic..but I'm not normal...hello heartburn, goodbye healthy diet.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Biggest Loser is officially making me fat. I am again glued to the screen, and I am again eating...mindlessly. Anyways, it's time for a blog. I want to use this blog to apologize for something that has been eating me alive. It is affecting my family and those around me. It's costing my family extra money. It is hurting the environment, and I am just tired of hiding it from everyone. I feel so ashamed for saying this, but you are the only people I trust. Here I go...please don't hate me....I'M THE ONE WHO USES THE EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF TOILET PAPER IN THE BATHROOM!!! phew..there..i said it. And it's not that I try to do this, I just pee ALL the time. Like I sincerely believe that I have a garden hose that runs from my throat to my..uhh..pee hole and God forgot to turn the spigot off when he made me. I once swallowed a raindrop and peed my pants. But no one I ever talk to seems to have problem with it, so I continue to urinate 54042894233450948 times an hour and hope no vital organs fall out. Because of this excessive urination, my father is forced to visit the dollar store approximately three times a day. That's every four waking hours on the hour...we'll just say Norm, the cashier, knows my dad by name.
So, along with my urination problem, I also have a problem with swallowing gum. That might be because I have a stomach that is always yelling, "GIVE ME SOMETHING TO TURN INTO ACID THAT I WILL PUSH BACK UP YOUR THROAT WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING!" My boyfriend doesn't understand how I do it, but I must buy the special gum with legs that walks down my throat. This normally isn't as big of a concern as my frequent urination. It only become a concern about every 3 weeks when the pieces of gum pass through the 30 feet of my body. This time, it was at Wal Mart. Everyime this happens, I want to call Double Bubble and tell them that half their manufactured product for the past month is floating in a toilet in Celina, Ohio. God Bless America!
By the way, I left about halfway through this blog to get a Oreo Cheesequake Blizzard. I told you Biggest Loser makes me hungry. Well today was buy one get one for a quarter, so I took my brother. The Dairy Queen was so crowded, it made New York Times look like the stands of a WNBA game. The Dairy Queen actually closed 27 minutes early (2 customers after us) because they were just so swamped. We waited a long while for our blizzards, so we got mediums instead of smalls for our wait. Normal people would be ecstatic..but I'm not normal...hello heartburn, goodbye healthy diet.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Monday, May 24, 2010
I Am 1 in 150,000: There are 150,000 Subway Employees Across the Nation
Hiyah!
First, internet connection was again being a 14 month child who dropped his foofy down the heat register. So please forgive me. This blog is dedicated to the woman who sat behind me at the red light beside the Family Video who was picking some mass growing on her face. She thought no one was looking, much to her dismay, I just happened to be gazing into my rear view mirror. She was like mom age and driving a jeep type vehicle; she didn't seem like one to explode a volcano on her face. This just made me think of how awesome it is that everyone, including me, believes their car is an invisibility cloak that gives you permission to pick your nose, beat your child, shove your face is grease-laced "meat," and sing like you're in the finals for American Idol (WHICH IS TOMORROW!!!!). Anyways, this woman went at it. She did that thing where you like pull your lower lip into your mouth so your skin gets real tight, then she used the "forefinger-forefinger" technique, which I am not a fan of. I am watching all of this through my rear view mirror. Once she created what looked like bird poo on the inside of the windshield, the pimple gods punished her. It was obvious she was experiencing the "I'm the size of a pin head but I will bleed longer than a decapitated walrus" injury. You know, like razor nicks and paper cuts...she deserved it though because I had to skip dinner after this experience.
Today, we got absolutely demolished at Subway. We nearly ran out of bread! SUBWAY..OUT OF BREAD!!! DECEMBER 2012!! But my manager and I absolutely OWNED the continuous 5 hour rush. If someone would have told me when I woke up that I would have made like 100 subs, cut 6 cucumbers, burnt my knuckles, made 5 dozen cookies, got hit on by what may have been an old man but could have just as well been an old woman, and done enough dishes to make my hands look more like the bottom of my grandma's big toe than a hand, well..I would have believed the knuckle thing then went back to bed....but really, I ROCKED today!
I want to watch Matilda. Why? Because I want to build my own chokey. Why do I want to build my own chokey? Because I want to put my dogs in the chokey! They poop in the bathroom. Amazing right?!?! Well, except, they poop on the floor. Then I step in it, with barefeet. God Bless America. I mean we accept it when my dad drops a load on the bath mat, but it's a totally different story when the dogs do it...I don't love them.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
First, internet connection was again being a 14 month child who dropped his foofy down the heat register. So please forgive me. This blog is dedicated to the woman who sat behind me at the red light beside the Family Video who was picking some mass growing on her face. She thought no one was looking, much to her dismay, I just happened to be gazing into my rear view mirror. She was like mom age and driving a jeep type vehicle; she didn't seem like one to explode a volcano on her face. This just made me think of how awesome it is that everyone, including me, believes their car is an invisibility cloak that gives you permission to pick your nose, beat your child, shove your face is grease-laced "meat," and sing like you're in the finals for American Idol (WHICH IS TOMORROW!!!!). Anyways, this woman went at it. She did that thing where you like pull your lower lip into your mouth so your skin gets real tight, then she used the "forefinger-forefinger" technique, which I am not a fan of. I am watching all of this through my rear view mirror. Once she created what looked like bird poo on the inside of the windshield, the pimple gods punished her. It was obvious she was experiencing the "I'm the size of a pin head but I will bleed longer than a decapitated walrus" injury. You know, like razor nicks and paper cuts...she deserved it though because I had to skip dinner after this experience.
Today, we got absolutely demolished at Subway. We nearly ran out of bread! SUBWAY..OUT OF BREAD!!! DECEMBER 2012!! But my manager and I absolutely OWNED the continuous 5 hour rush. If someone would have told me when I woke up that I would have made like 100 subs, cut 6 cucumbers, burnt my knuckles, made 5 dozen cookies, got hit on by what may have been an old man but could have just as well been an old woman, and done enough dishes to make my hands look more like the bottom of my grandma's big toe than a hand, well..I would have believed the knuckle thing then went back to bed....but really, I ROCKED today!
I want to watch Matilda. Why? Because I want to build my own chokey. Why do I want to build my own chokey? Because I want to put my dogs in the chokey! They poop in the bathroom. Amazing right?!?! Well, except, they poop on the floor. Then I step in it, with barefeet. God Bless America. I mean we accept it when my dad drops a load on the bath mat, but it's a totally different story when the dogs do it...I don't love them.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Sushi HosoMaki Maki HosoMaki: This is a sushi roll with little rice and the seaweed is on the outside.
Hello Friends,
Well, I would like to first address my title. This title is in honor of Nanami Saki Boyd ("Saki" is pronounced "sucky). Nanami may, or may not, be the coolest person I have ever met. She is currently laying on my pull out couch creating a "Jenny-sandwich" with the other nine year old girl who is sleeping here. Nanami is not only cool because she is named Nanami, but it's because her sister is named Minami...Yes, Nanami and Minami. Don't think I am making fun of them for a second because I am currently filled with so much envy for this 9 year old child that I feel like there is really no purpose for me to be alive because my middle name is Eileen. Nanami is also a daughter of one of Obama's workers. I am not sure how much I am allowed to say about this - nine year olds say a lot more than they are supposed to, and the idea of a secret service man breaking into my house and stealing me while I am in the shower (they always steal you in the shower) is not that appealing. So I will just say, he is in St. Marys 3 days a week and DC the other. HOW AWESOME IS THIS SMALL CHILD?! I am having a "Nanami Rocks!" shirt printed..just so the world knows how awesome she is.
T0day was the most eventful day of my life - well except for the day I broke my neck (I really did..had to wear a neck brace for 6 weeks in the eighth grade). My boyfriend and I went to breakfast at Bob Evans. This was beautiful and delicious, but the WORLD'S MOST ANNOYING COUPLE was sitting in the table beside us. I know they are a new couple because 1) they were asking a bunch of stupid questions to each other like "What hand do you use to wipe?" and 2) they were actually being nice to eachother. It was so annoying...she was actually acting like she cared what he said and stuff. Then we played a game with our waitress, it was called "Ask Emily if she wants more coffee and then don't bring it to her,"..if there was an Olympic event for that, our waitress would have gold (she would even beat a Russian). Then we bought flower seeds at the Wal-Mart. We planted flowers...A BUNCH OF FLOWERS. They probably won't grow, but if they do, they will be our love children because mom won't let me have a kitten. We then proceeded to walk at the lake. I love the lake and Colin and geese and puddles and women giving men haircuts in shelter houses, so it was a success.
Then, I went to work. I constructed the world's most perfect ham sub today. How do I know it was perfect? I don't, but I am claiming that it is because it is the ONLY exciting thing that happened all night...well except for me seperating 2 stacked sugar cookies without breaking them; that was intense. There was this young boy...he HAD to have sugar cookies or flaming ninjas would come steal him and never bring him back...so I am standing at the register and I open the drawer to find the only 2 sugar cookies STACKED, YES STACKED. A bead a sweat developed on my temple, but I couldn't wipe it off because the small boy could have been an undercover food inspector, so I left it sit. I began to seperate the cookies, while wearing gloves of course, and the top one began to crack. But I noticed JUST in time and twisted it about 3 degrees to the right, and they popped right apart. As I handed them to the child, his eyes lit up as he knew that he would live to see another day..GOD BLESS AMERICA.
K I have to go Nanami is about to be eaten by my dog.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em NOT SAKI Shellabarger
Well, I would like to first address my title. This title is in honor of Nanami Saki Boyd ("Saki" is pronounced "sucky). Nanami may, or may not, be the coolest person I have ever met. She is currently laying on my pull out couch creating a "Jenny-sandwich" with the other nine year old girl who is sleeping here. Nanami is not only cool because she is named Nanami, but it's because her sister is named Minami...Yes, Nanami and Minami. Don't think I am making fun of them for a second because I am currently filled with so much envy for this 9 year old child that I feel like there is really no purpose for me to be alive because my middle name is Eileen. Nanami is also a daughter of one of Obama's workers. I am not sure how much I am allowed to say about this - nine year olds say a lot more than they are supposed to, and the idea of a secret service man breaking into my house and stealing me while I am in the shower (they always steal you in the shower) is not that appealing. So I will just say, he is in St. Marys 3 days a week and DC the other. HOW AWESOME IS THIS SMALL CHILD?! I am having a "Nanami Rocks!" shirt printed..just so the world knows how awesome she is.
T0day was the most eventful day of my life - well except for the day I broke my neck (I really did..had to wear a neck brace for 6 weeks in the eighth grade). My boyfriend and I went to breakfast at Bob Evans. This was beautiful and delicious, but the WORLD'S MOST ANNOYING COUPLE was sitting in the table beside us. I know they are a new couple because 1) they were asking a bunch of stupid questions to each other like "What hand do you use to wipe?" and 2) they were actually being nice to eachother. It was so annoying...she was actually acting like she cared what he said and stuff. Then we played a game with our waitress, it was called "Ask Emily if she wants more coffee and then don't bring it to her,"..if there was an Olympic event for that, our waitress would have gold (she would even beat a Russian). Then we bought flower seeds at the Wal-Mart. We planted flowers...A BUNCH OF FLOWERS. They probably won't grow, but if they do, they will be our love children because mom won't let me have a kitten. We then proceeded to walk at the lake. I love the lake and Colin and geese and puddles and women giving men haircuts in shelter houses, so it was a success.
Then, I went to work. I constructed the world's most perfect ham sub today. How do I know it was perfect? I don't, but I am claiming that it is because it is the ONLY exciting thing that happened all night...well except for me seperating 2 stacked sugar cookies without breaking them; that was intense. There was this young boy...he HAD to have sugar cookies or flaming ninjas would come steal him and never bring him back...so I am standing at the register and I open the drawer to find the only 2 sugar cookies STACKED, YES STACKED. A bead a sweat developed on my temple, but I couldn't wipe it off because the small boy could have been an undercover food inspector, so I left it sit. I began to seperate the cookies, while wearing gloves of course, and the top one began to crack. But I noticed JUST in time and twisted it about 3 degrees to the right, and they popped right apart. As I handed them to the child, his eyes lit up as he knew that he would live to see another day..GOD BLESS AMERICA.
K I have to go Nanami is about to be eaten by my dog.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em NOT SAKI Shellabarger
Friday, May 21, 2010
My Dog is Currently Licking Powdered Sugar Out of the Cracks of my Shoe
Hello friends,
I am ashamed to say I am a blog sinner. I did not blog yesterday. But before you shoot my dogs, no wait..please shoot my dogs, k, now let me explain. I have dogs that are 1) currently licking powdered sugar off my shoe and 2) fascinated with the cord on the wireless router, so there are periods of time where I have no wireless. But I fixed it, no worries..and this blog WILL OVERCOMPENSATE!!
First of all, I want to tell you about timing AGAIN. Except, this time it was on my side. See, I went to visit my boyfriend yesterday because of my previous deady, debilitating, brain eating, cookie smashing head ache, I hadn't seen him in FOREVER. So I brought him his favorite pizza and went to visit. Well, I went home around 10, and I HATE driving on 66 alone in the dark. It's just me, my radio, and my windshield wipers that would probably more efficient if I just strapped my sister to the hood with a kleenex everytime it rained. It was raining last night; I was nervous. And just as I was about to cry..."DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'" came on Mix 103.3. Now, not only was a driving in the dark, in the rain, with windshield wipers that did more harm than good, but I now had my eyes closed belting "THE SMELL OF WINE AND CHEAP PERFUME!" After, "Don't Stop Believin," I thought life couldn't get any better. Boy was I wrong. "Vogue," by Madonna followed. Luckily, I was in town at this time. So I sat in my humid car and vogued..with my windows up...so needless to say I was dripping with sweat. And for some reason I kept my seat belt buckled, so instead of my "body" moving to the music, it was more like, "let your neck, head, and upper arms move to the music."
On the subject of music, I realized that there would be no need to psychiatrists if we just had IPODLOOKERAT-ERS. You see, every mental disorder could be diagnosed by looking at someone's Ipod. For example, one could easily tell that I am a manic depressive who has multiple personalities just by taking one of my ear buds while I am running. Don't quote me, but I am sure the hairy arm pitted, burly man who grunts everytime he does anything in the weight room (including changing the TV channel) does not have a playlist that reads, "Baby Got Back," "Coming Undone," "Pour Some Sugar On Me," "Hell on the Heart," and as a grand finale, "I'll Make Love To You." Yes, I finished my 5 miles run with a slow jam by BoyzIIMen (give or take a few roman numerals and capital letters).
Now for today, O WHAT A DAY! My civic duty for today was to GET FAT! I have a dog party tomorrow. A handful of 9 year old girls are sleeping on my floor and eating my beautiful dog cupcakes tomorrow night. So in order to prepare for these shinanigans, mother and I headed to Lima to get supplies. IHOP! Hells Bells!! I got a short stack of pancakes with apples and enough whipped cream to put every cow in northwest Ohio out of business. But that wasn't enough, I had to complete my fruit servings of the day by covering..no drowning..the AWESOMEcakes with blueberry and strawberry jelly. When we got home, it was ever so eventful. It was time to create black lab cupcakes. I went in the backyard and killed the neighbors dog and then put him in the cupcakes...lie..they were really chocolate cupcakes with tootsie rolls for ears, sixlets for eyes, and small chocolates for a nose. They looked like black la...chocolate cupcakes with tootsie rolls for ears, sixlets for eyes, and small chocolates for a nose...but they are delicious! If these small children do not appreciate my sweat, determination, and death by flour inhalation, I will take their little trainers' bras while they are sleeping and put them in the freezer!
You're probably wondering, well how did you get fat then. How did thee get fat? Let me count the ways...a short stack of AWESOMEcakes, 3 bottles of syrup, 3/4 bottle of Sixlets, 4 bread and butter pickles, a cupcake, a cookie, 1/2 lb of cookie dough, 2 tums (to fix the previous items), 14 licks from the froosting bowl, 2 chocolate twizzlers, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (had to have the protein), and some....drum roll please...HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS...I'll probably have about 11 more tums tonight and I'll run and run and run and run..and when the old man poops on the treadmill beside me...I'll run more!!
So to make up for my lack of blog yesterday, I am going to post my latest poem...it's not great...but it's what I do.
When I Became an Adult at 4:46 A.M.
Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
She makes sure I know this even through the
Static of preset station number three.
Abraham rolls over rumble strips that
Awake me to the concept of my mortality
Compacted between a speeding semi and a cemet wall.
Left turn into the industry of a nation in
Flag City, USA. But, I have to pass Waffle House
First and curb temptations for decaf coffee.
No one's shopping at 5:08 AM. Well, except for
Her. Cupcakes, Lays, yogurt, and prime cut meat.
Johnny's lunch and part of dad's dinner.
The cashier has a handicap, a left arm
That hooks above the hand,
So he fumbles with my Ibuprofen before it
Plumets into the plastic and rests besit peach water.
Three dollars and twelve cents. No one's shopping at five o' eight.
I walk into the parking lot alone - no man, no mace,
And there he is in a big blue Buick. Maybe a danger?
He could have me halfway to Tennessee before my room mate wakes up.
As the sun dances on the tired horizon,
Abraham slows into his spot in Lot C.
My head still hurts, but I am now and adult.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
I am ashamed to say I am a blog sinner. I did not blog yesterday. But before you shoot my dogs, no wait..please shoot my dogs, k, now let me explain. I have dogs that are 1) currently licking powdered sugar off my shoe and 2) fascinated with the cord on the wireless router, so there are periods of time where I have no wireless. But I fixed it, no worries..and this blog WILL OVERCOMPENSATE!!
First of all, I want to tell you about timing AGAIN. Except, this time it was on my side. See, I went to visit my boyfriend yesterday because of my previous deady, debilitating, brain eating, cookie smashing head ache, I hadn't seen him in FOREVER. So I brought him his favorite pizza and went to visit. Well, I went home around 10, and I HATE driving on 66 alone in the dark. It's just me, my radio, and my windshield wipers that would probably more efficient if I just strapped my sister to the hood with a kleenex everytime it rained. It was raining last night; I was nervous. And just as I was about to cry..."DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'" came on Mix 103.3. Now, not only was a driving in the dark, in the rain, with windshield wipers that did more harm than good, but I now had my eyes closed belting "THE SMELL OF WINE AND CHEAP PERFUME!" After, "Don't Stop Believin," I thought life couldn't get any better. Boy was I wrong. "Vogue," by Madonna followed. Luckily, I was in town at this time. So I sat in my humid car and vogued..with my windows up...so needless to say I was dripping with sweat. And for some reason I kept my seat belt buckled, so instead of my "body" moving to the music, it was more like, "let your neck, head, and upper arms move to the music."
On the subject of music, I realized that there would be no need to psychiatrists if we just had IPODLOOKERAT-ERS. You see, every mental disorder could be diagnosed by looking at someone's Ipod. For example, one could easily tell that I am a manic depressive who has multiple personalities just by taking one of my ear buds while I am running. Don't quote me, but I am sure the hairy arm pitted, burly man who grunts everytime he does anything in the weight room (including changing the TV channel) does not have a playlist that reads, "Baby Got Back," "Coming Undone," "Pour Some Sugar On Me," "Hell on the Heart," and as a grand finale, "I'll Make Love To You." Yes, I finished my 5 miles run with a slow jam by BoyzIIMen (give or take a few roman numerals and capital letters).
Now for today, O WHAT A DAY! My civic duty for today was to GET FAT! I have a dog party tomorrow. A handful of 9 year old girls are sleeping on my floor and eating my beautiful dog cupcakes tomorrow night. So in order to prepare for these shinanigans, mother and I headed to Lima to get supplies. IHOP! Hells Bells!! I got a short stack of pancakes with apples and enough whipped cream to put every cow in northwest Ohio out of business. But that wasn't enough, I had to complete my fruit servings of the day by covering..no drowning..the AWESOMEcakes with blueberry and strawberry jelly. When we got home, it was ever so eventful. It was time to create black lab cupcakes. I went in the backyard and killed the neighbors dog and then put him in the cupcakes...lie..they were really chocolate cupcakes with tootsie rolls for ears, sixlets for eyes, and small chocolates for a nose. They looked like black la...chocolate cupcakes with tootsie rolls for ears, sixlets for eyes, and small chocolates for a nose...but they are delicious! If these small children do not appreciate my sweat, determination, and death by flour inhalation, I will take their little trainers' bras while they are sleeping and put them in the freezer!
You're probably wondering, well how did you get fat then. How did thee get fat? Let me count the ways...a short stack of AWESOMEcakes, 3 bottles of syrup, 3/4 bottle of Sixlets, 4 bread and butter pickles, a cupcake, a cookie, 1/2 lb of cookie dough, 2 tums (to fix the previous items), 14 licks from the froosting bowl, 2 chocolate twizzlers, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (had to have the protein), and some....drum roll please...HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS...I'll probably have about 11 more tums tonight and I'll run and run and run and run..and when the old man poops on the treadmill beside me...I'll run more!!
So to make up for my lack of blog yesterday, I am going to post my latest poem...it's not great...but it's what I do.
When I Became an Adult at 4:46 A.M.
Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
She makes sure I know this even through the
Static of preset station number three.
Abraham rolls over rumble strips that
Awake me to the concept of my mortality
Compacted between a speeding semi and a cemet wall.
Left turn into the industry of a nation in
Flag City, USA. But, I have to pass Waffle House
First and curb temptations for decaf coffee.
No one's shopping at 5:08 AM. Well, except for
Her. Cupcakes, Lays, yogurt, and prime cut meat.
Johnny's lunch and part of dad's dinner.
The cashier has a handicap, a left arm
That hooks above the hand,
So he fumbles with my Ibuprofen before it
Plumets into the plastic and rests besit peach water.
Three dollars and twelve cents. No one's shopping at five o' eight.
I walk into the parking lot alone - no man, no mace,
And there he is in a big blue Buick. Maybe a danger?
He could have me halfway to Tennessee before my room mate wakes up.
As the sun dances on the tired horizon,
Abraham slows into his spot in Lot C.
My head still hurts, but I am now and adult.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
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