Hello my friends, enemies, pets, and acquaintences with functionable corneas,
It's time for another blog!! WOOPAHH! I have come to realize that this may well be my favorite time of the day. I am currently doing what every 19 year old should do at 7 p.m...watch ICarly and bake a cake. ICarly makes me want to put hooks through my toes and hang myself from my bedroom window (which wouldn't be a big deal because I live on the first floor but think about hooks in your toe..goo!). Then why are you watching this television show, Emily? Well thank you for pondering...I will tell you. It is because I am too stinking lazy to reach over and flip it. Flipping a television in the kitchen involves sticking a yellow colored pencil into a hole where the flippy buttons used to be. So basically, it's a life or death situation...I could be electrocuded...and I'll be DARNED if I die for IamthemostannoyingpreteenintheworldCarly. As for my cake, it's 50% reduced sugar white cake with chocolate icing..I won't eat any of it. I never do...I just have this weird addiction to baking....take a number boys!!
Today...what did I do today. I ate almond Special K cereal (off brand of course)..WE'RE IN A RECESSION PEOPLE! Then, I got to run again! Glory, Glory Hallelujah...however, now I am creeped out by running. You see I have realized that the only time I can go to the Y is also the same time as old women swimming. I respect this more than anything in the world; I am glad they are worried about exercising. But you see in order to get into a swim suit...one has to get NAKED..BUTT NAKED! I'm a liberal..I think people should be able to do what they want when they want (even if that means doing cartwheels with flaming midgets tied to your feet), but there ought to be a law against nudity over the age of..well I'm 19..so 19. And it's not even that they are naked, it is the amount of time they are naked. Let's talk about our life story while we are naked, and when you're 99, you have a dang long life story. "Well Thelma, the air pressure this morning reminded me of the air pressure it was on the morning Abraham Lincoln was gunned down. I hope that doesn't mean I have run out of oatmeal at home." Naked conversations...naked conversations between 90 year old women..naked conversations between 90 year old women that last 25 minutes...I'm bringing blinders from now on.
Of course, I was a sandwich artist after I ran. Work went awesome actually; it flew. But I have noticed that I am an accent attractor. I am pretty sure my boss put a sign outfront that said, "If you can barely speak English, please come inside between the hours of 11-2 to order the most complicated sub in the world with our new sandwich artist Emily." But really, it's interesting; I can't complain too much. Today, it was Japanese workers from Setex. While I can barely understand anything they say except for, "Amweecan cheese," they are just about as cute as a pair of glasses on a 3 year old child (how do they know people who can't read need glasses anyways?). Sorry my day wasn't very eventful...but my cake is done so I must depart. If anyone wants a piece...YOU'RE SCREWED!
I took the vegetarian sticker off my laptop because it was getting skankier than my sister's excessively sweaty feet in flip flops during the summer, but I promise I am still abstaining from eating meat..I just wanted to let you know in case you came to my house and looked at my laptop.
PS: I am currently reading Oprah's biography by Kitty Kelly. Top 2 things I have learned so far: a) Oprah had a child when she was 15, but it died after a month...and b) it was rumored at ABC that she and Diane Sawyer have a...well..they like each other a lot...maybe I should find a new hero.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Pimpin' Aint Easy
Olleh,
lleW, m'I yltnerruc gnihctaw NaciremA Lodi. O my Gosh, that was even more painful to type than it was for you to just decipher. I wrote it backwards because I AM ANGRY! Why am I angry? Because I don't have any gum...well I'm not angry because of that; I am angry because American Idol has to last 58 minutes to tell me that the giant African American man is going home...but if anyone has any gum, I would really appreciate it.
Anyways, today was one of those nonexistent days. Like I literally feel like I accomplished nothing, except for eating a pear and finishing a bag of cheddar rice cakes (DELISH!). First of all, I worked from 7:45-2...at Subway...yes..I was at SUBway at 7:45 in the morning. 1...ONE...person came in to get breakfast...and she got egg whites because her cholesterol is high. You don't care and neither do I, but I thought I would throw that in there. Well, work was going lovely; I cut onions, green peppers, tomatoes, and my hand...then THEY came in. They being two women with accents that I'm pretty positive were a mixture of Arabic, Hawaiian, Indonesian, German, Spanglish, and Furbish (Furby language). She wanted Marinara.."Mam, would you like meatballs?" "Naw, I vant peeparooni (that's pepperoni)." Okay mam, but you said you want marinara; that comes with meatballs." "Ey zknow; I vant zeee meeeeetzballz!"...For the love of everything on this earth that is holy (including push pops), WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?! Well in case you're curious, we gave her her stinking meatball sub...with American cheese (funny right?)..some lettuce...spinach (which she informed me that she had never had...the 1 thing I actually understood)..and some mustard (mustard is Satan's hand sanitizer..I HATE it!) I would like to say that the woman was still adorable though; I like that America is a melting pot..well I guess now we could probably call it a pyrex bowl in a microwave; melting pot seems outdated. So work was fun, but it CRAMPED my style...so I couldn't run..that's right I didn't run! God save the queen!
After work, the love of my life (okay 2nd love of my life, honey bunches of oats is first) was waiting for me outside of Subway, and we went to grandma's for pizza. I didn't eat any (see the previous paragraph for lack of running), but I did have a marvelous salad with a beautiful array of delicious toppings (including some piece of dried fruit that may have been rat poo..colin and I couldn't figure out what it was..am I still a vegetarian if I eat rat poo?). But at grandma's, she took the liberty of folding her panties in front of all of us. REAL LIFE GRANNY PANTIES!! I thought about sending them to the Smithsonian, but she seemed pretty attached. And anytime grandma walks...we're testing fate. I left grandma's without her panties (oo dirty!), and Colin and I went to JCPenney and bought the most beautiful shirt in the world!! The Beatles..LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS!
I love life. Quote of the day by nipple knower, "Did Bon Jovi win American Idol?"
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
lleW, m'I yltnerruc gnihctaw NaciremA Lodi. O my Gosh, that was even more painful to type than it was for you to just decipher. I wrote it backwards because I AM ANGRY! Why am I angry? Because I don't have any gum...well I'm not angry because of that; I am angry because American Idol has to last 58 minutes to tell me that the giant African American man is going home...but if anyone has any gum, I would really appreciate it.
Anyways, today was one of those nonexistent days. Like I literally feel like I accomplished nothing, except for eating a pear and finishing a bag of cheddar rice cakes (DELISH!). First of all, I worked from 7:45-2...at Subway...yes..I was at SUBway at 7:45 in the morning. 1...ONE...person came in to get breakfast...and she got egg whites because her cholesterol is high. You don't care and neither do I, but I thought I would throw that in there. Well, work was going lovely; I cut onions, green peppers, tomatoes, and my hand...then THEY came in. They being two women with accents that I'm pretty positive were a mixture of Arabic, Hawaiian, Indonesian, German, Spanglish, and Furbish (Furby language). She wanted Marinara.."Mam, would you like meatballs?" "Naw, I vant peeparooni (that's pepperoni)." Okay mam, but you said you want marinara; that comes with meatballs." "Ey zknow; I vant zeee meeeeetzballz!"...For the love of everything on this earth that is holy (including push pops), WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?! Well in case you're curious, we gave her her stinking meatball sub...with American cheese (funny right?)..some lettuce...spinach (which she informed me that she had never had...the 1 thing I actually understood)..and some mustard (mustard is Satan's hand sanitizer..I HATE it!) I would like to say that the woman was still adorable though; I like that America is a melting pot..well I guess now we could probably call it a pyrex bowl in a microwave; melting pot seems outdated. So work was fun, but it CRAMPED my style...so I couldn't run..that's right I didn't run! God save the queen!
After work, the love of my life (okay 2nd love of my life, honey bunches of oats is first) was waiting for me outside of Subway, and we went to grandma's for pizza. I didn't eat any (see the previous paragraph for lack of running), but I did have a marvelous salad with a beautiful array of delicious toppings (including some piece of dried fruit that may have been rat poo..colin and I couldn't figure out what it was..am I still a vegetarian if I eat rat poo?). But at grandma's, she took the liberty of folding her panties in front of all of us. REAL LIFE GRANNY PANTIES!! I thought about sending them to the Smithsonian, but she seemed pretty attached. And anytime grandma walks...we're testing fate. I left grandma's without her panties (oo dirty!), and Colin and I went to JCPenney and bought the most beautiful shirt in the world!! The Beatles..LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS!
I love life. Quote of the day by nipple knower, "Did Bon Jovi win American Idol?"
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room." Winston Churchill
Who wants some diet cream soda?
I did. So I went to Kroger and bought it. This Kroger adventure (probably like the fifth of the day because Kroger is like heaven's waiting room) came after a 4H meeting with my little sister. My little sister's brain is like a bouncy ball that has been thrown into an empty room so someone has to go with her in order to take notes on the important information. This meeting was delightful; I really honestly wish I would have done 4H in school. Anyways, there was the cutest little girl at this 4H meeting, and today was her turn to give her demonstration. As if this child was not cute enough, she had a lisp. Most people make fun of lisps; I ENVY them. My mom wanted to name me Shelly Sue Shellabarger..in which case I probably would have had a lisp, I despise the fact that she did not. And not only was she an adorable girl with a lisp, but her demonstration was on SUGAR cookieS. Imagine how many times she said SUGAR. It was beautiful. I tried to steal her, but her mom hit me in the kneecaps with her phanny pack. My plan was foiled, so I washed away my sorrow with diet cream soda.
Other than 4H, I made up an awesome game today. It's called "I Really Hope That's Strawberry Jelly." I won, thank goodness. This game started around my nap time. See, I got up at the titty of dawn again to run before I constructed an array of delicious deli sandwiches, so I was a tiny bit tired by 5:30 this afternoon. I laid down for my nap, but I have this stupid habit of falling asleep to the show Cold Case Files on A&E. What's the last image you want to see before you sleep? I should be picking a pink bunny dancing with a small child with a lisp, but for some reason I chose the image of a human being who has had horrid things done to them. Anyways, I guess it's important that you know I had a peanut butter sandwich with strawberry jelly from a squeezable jar for dinner. So, I sleep. I woke up from a nightmare and noticed a giant red spot covering my left arm and the image of a mutilated human being on the TV. I instantly thought I had been stabbed, and I was about to die a slow painful death. But instead of screaming for help, I fell back asleep. And that was the game, I just hoped it was strawberry jelly, and I'm alive to type this blog, so I guess I won. But I would really not advice anyone to play this game; It's quite careless.
Now I must help nipple knower with her homework.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
I did. So I went to Kroger and bought it. This Kroger adventure (probably like the fifth of the day because Kroger is like heaven's waiting room) came after a 4H meeting with my little sister. My little sister's brain is like a bouncy ball that has been thrown into an empty room so someone has to go with her in order to take notes on the important information. This meeting was delightful; I really honestly wish I would have done 4H in school. Anyways, there was the cutest little girl at this 4H meeting, and today was her turn to give her demonstration. As if this child was not cute enough, she had a lisp. Most people make fun of lisps; I ENVY them. My mom wanted to name me Shelly Sue Shellabarger..in which case I probably would have had a lisp, I despise the fact that she did not. And not only was she an adorable girl with a lisp, but her demonstration was on SUGAR cookieS. Imagine how many times she said SUGAR. It was beautiful. I tried to steal her, but her mom hit me in the kneecaps with her phanny pack. My plan was foiled, so I washed away my sorrow with diet cream soda.
Other than 4H, I made up an awesome game today. It's called "I Really Hope That's Strawberry Jelly." I won, thank goodness. This game started around my nap time. See, I got up at the titty of dawn again to run before I constructed an array of delicious deli sandwiches, so I was a tiny bit tired by 5:30 this afternoon. I laid down for my nap, but I have this stupid habit of falling asleep to the show Cold Case Files on A&E. What's the last image you want to see before you sleep? I should be picking a pink bunny dancing with a small child with a lisp, but for some reason I chose the image of a human being who has had horrid things done to them. Anyways, I guess it's important that you know I had a peanut butter sandwich with strawberry jelly from a squeezable jar for dinner. So, I sleep. I woke up from a nightmare and noticed a giant red spot covering my left arm and the image of a mutilated human being on the TV. I instantly thought I had been stabbed, and I was about to die a slow painful death. But instead of screaming for help, I fell back asleep. And that was the game, I just hoped it was strawberry jelly, and I'm alive to type this blog, so I guess I won. But I would really not advice anyone to play this game; It's quite careless.
Now I must help nipple knower with her homework.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Monday, May 10, 2010
"He looks like a cotton pickin' dork!" Todd Shellabarger
Happy May 10th,
Did you know on May 10th, 1842 Ramen noodles were invented by a Samuari in an Indonesian cave who had only a Swiss Army knife and a hair follicle? That's a lie...and I hate Ramen noodles. Anyways, today was quite an eventful day. See, I had my first day at Subway today; I worked 10-2. I knew I had to work, so I obviously wanted to run before because who honestly wants to run 5 miles after constructing several sub sandwiches filled with cold meat and veggies (and sometimes meatballs and chicken breasts). I got up this morning at 6:45...I had time to break the rooster's neck before it crowed and woke the whole darn neighborhood up. I ran my five miles fart-free...GLORY! But now I am paying for it because I have an atomic bomb rumbling in my belly.
After I ran, I ate a banana.
So work, I love Subway. It's such a wonderful place. You know why it's wonderful? Because you not only get a delicious, nutritious, vegelicious (made that up) meal, but you also get wonderful aroma that seems to seep into your clothes. I'm not sure why Bath and Body Works hasn't bottled it yet. I definitely will have to shelve my "black raspberry vanilla" body mist for the summer because "Spicy Italian on Wheat with everything but green peppers and honey mustard" is a much better scent...AND IT'S FREE..IT'S IN THE AIR!! God Bless America!
After work, nipple knower, Jenny, and I went to the lake to write poetry. She wrote about seashells; I wrote about cannabalistic serial killers in the Wal-Mart parking lot. But it was a good bonding experience and I love her. I really do...despite the times you may hear me screaming at her...those are screams of love!
Let me tell you about my dinner before I go...stinking vegetarian chicken breasts, sweet potato fries (that were baked of course cuz my belly and fried food get along about as well as John Cena and Batista..I'm watching Raw with the most lovely man in the world, my dad..LIE..well he is watching too but Colin is much more lovely), green beans, and a pear. If Jesus were a vegetarian, that would have been The Last Supper.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Did you know on May 10th, 1842 Ramen noodles were invented by a Samuari in an Indonesian cave who had only a Swiss Army knife and a hair follicle? That's a lie...and I hate Ramen noodles. Anyways, today was quite an eventful day. See, I had my first day at Subway today; I worked 10-2. I knew I had to work, so I obviously wanted to run before because who honestly wants to run 5 miles after constructing several sub sandwiches filled with cold meat and veggies (and sometimes meatballs and chicken breasts). I got up this morning at 6:45...I had time to break the rooster's neck before it crowed and woke the whole darn neighborhood up. I ran my five miles fart-free...GLORY! But now I am paying for it because I have an atomic bomb rumbling in my belly.
After I ran, I ate a banana.
So work, I love Subway. It's such a wonderful place. You know why it's wonderful? Because you not only get a delicious, nutritious, vegelicious (made that up) meal, but you also get wonderful aroma that seems to seep into your clothes. I'm not sure why Bath and Body Works hasn't bottled it yet. I definitely will have to shelve my "black raspberry vanilla" body mist for the summer because "Spicy Italian on Wheat with everything but green peppers and honey mustard" is a much better scent...AND IT'S FREE..IT'S IN THE AIR!! God Bless America!
After work, nipple knower, Jenny, and I went to the lake to write poetry. She wrote about seashells; I wrote about cannabalistic serial killers in the Wal-Mart parking lot. But it was a good bonding experience and I love her. I really do...despite the times you may hear me screaming at her...those are screams of love!
Let me tell you about my dinner before I go...stinking vegetarian chicken breasts, sweet potato fries (that were baked of course cuz my belly and fried food get along about as well as John Cena and Batista..I'm watching Raw with the most lovely man in the world, my dad..LIE..well he is watching too but Colin is much more lovely), green beans, and a pear. If Jesus were a vegetarian, that would have been The Last Supper.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Sunday, May 9, 2010
More Than 2500 Left Handed People Are Killed Every Year From Using Right Handed Products: Do They Make Left Handed Toilet Paper?
Happy Mother's Day,
Speaking of which, I am pretty sure a lady at Dollar General today thought I was the mother of my 9 year old sister (I'm 19). See Jenny, or "Knower of the Nipples" (you're really becoming intrigued on why men have nipples aren't you?), was being what I call a boob in the store, meaning she was touching all this crap that she shouldn't be touching and just being an annoying piece of garbage. So like the good citizen I am, I grabbed the top of her head and said, "Hey BOOB! Quit being a BOOB!" and this woman looked at me and said, "Happy Mother's Day, ay?" I was like, "Uhh yea...you too." That was about as awkward as the time I was de-pantsed in front of the wrestling team my sophomore year (when I was chunky) and proceeded to say, "O what a breeze!" instead of pulling them up.
Anyways, so today was Mother's Day, and let me just say I have the greatest mother in the world. She just rocks..and that's really all I can say. It's something I can't even joke about because she is JUST THAT KICKIN!
At church this morning, we did communion. Can I just say that I really enjoy going to church. Since I am on my "no joking" kick, I am going to tell you that church is so liberating...in a constricting sort of way. So many people who genuinely care about each other is really hard to come by these days, and it is such a breath of fresh air. EWWW, I was serious for like five whole sentances...let's stop. Back to communion...in past communions, we have had this chiclet looking piece of bread. I'm sure it made me constipated even though it was the size of a chiclet. Basically, I think that someone ordered special communion bread and when it got shipped to the church, they accidently put the packing peanuts in the bowls instead. But today ladies and gentlemen, WE GOT REAL BREAD! Like I wanted to eat the whole basket...now call me blasphemous for complaining about communion bread, but eating a chiclet size packing peanut is not the best thing at 10:22 in the morning. Maybe if I had a rice sized piece of cheese to go on my chiclet sized packing peanut...I don't know...but I do hope that this real bread thing carries on...because I don't like to be constipated.
I also baked today. While were on the topic of religion, I am a religious baker. I am a giant, athletic she-man, but I freaking love to bake. I have realized that my arch nemesis in life is flour. It is the most annoying baking element in the world. At least when I drop an egg, it looks cool. It like oozes out of the cracks, and you can't really clean it up. So when nipple knower comes sprinting into the kitchen and hits the slippery patch, she wipes out like a grandma without a walker on a sheet of ice. Flour, on the other hand, just gets all over. Aside from looking like snow, it's stupid. I hate flour. That's that. So if you want to get my a Christmas, Hannukah, or Kwanza (I am an equal oppurtunity holiday celebrater) present....DO NOT GET ME FLOUR!
K thanks. I must get up at the squiggle of dawn so I can get my five miles in before my first day at SUBWAY..eating fresh peeps!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Speaking of which, I am pretty sure a lady at Dollar General today thought I was the mother of my 9 year old sister (I'm 19). See Jenny, or "Knower of the Nipples" (you're really becoming intrigued on why men have nipples aren't you?), was being what I call a boob in the store, meaning she was touching all this crap that she shouldn't be touching and just being an annoying piece of garbage. So like the good citizen I am, I grabbed the top of her head and said, "Hey BOOB! Quit being a BOOB!" and this woman looked at me and said, "Happy Mother's Day, ay?" I was like, "Uhh yea...you too." That was about as awkward as the time I was de-pantsed in front of the wrestling team my sophomore year (when I was chunky) and proceeded to say, "O what a breeze!" instead of pulling them up.
Anyways, so today was Mother's Day, and let me just say I have the greatest mother in the world. She just rocks..and that's really all I can say. It's something I can't even joke about because she is JUST THAT KICKIN!
At church this morning, we did communion. Can I just say that I really enjoy going to church. Since I am on my "no joking" kick, I am going to tell you that church is so liberating...in a constricting sort of way. So many people who genuinely care about each other is really hard to come by these days, and it is such a breath of fresh air. EWWW, I was serious for like five whole sentances...let's stop. Back to communion...in past communions, we have had this chiclet looking piece of bread. I'm sure it made me constipated even though it was the size of a chiclet. Basically, I think that someone ordered special communion bread and when it got shipped to the church, they accidently put the packing peanuts in the bowls instead. But today ladies and gentlemen, WE GOT REAL BREAD! Like I wanted to eat the whole basket...now call me blasphemous for complaining about communion bread, but eating a chiclet size packing peanut is not the best thing at 10:22 in the morning. Maybe if I had a rice sized piece of cheese to go on my chiclet sized packing peanut...I don't know...but I do hope that this real bread thing carries on...because I don't like to be constipated.
I also baked today. While were on the topic of religion, I am a religious baker. I am a giant, athletic she-man, but I freaking love to bake. I have realized that my arch nemesis in life is flour. It is the most annoying baking element in the world. At least when I drop an egg, it looks cool. It like oozes out of the cracks, and you can't really clean it up. So when nipple knower comes sprinting into the kitchen and hits the slippery patch, she wipes out like a grandma without a walker on a sheet of ice. Flour, on the other hand, just gets all over. Aside from looking like snow, it's stupid. I hate flour. That's that. So if you want to get my a Christmas, Hannukah, or Kwanza (I am an equal oppurtunity holiday celebrater) present....DO NOT GET ME FLOUR!
K thanks. I must get up at the squiggle of dawn so I can get my five miles in before my first day at SUBWAY..eating fresh peeps!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Running Makes Me Have to Fart
Good Afternoon Poppets,
I thought I would change it up by blogging in the afternoon. I just spent three hours of my life swimming in the mess that is my room. And let me just tell you...after going through all my clothes, I am extremely surprised that I EVER had friends. We'll just say I found platform shoes, a "Mommy's Favorite Girl" shirt, and a belt that looked like it could have been seen as a prop on the Jerry Springer show I watched yesterday.
But this morning, mother, father, Jenny (the girl who knows why men have nipples), and I went to the YMCA for a morning workout. Brother, Eric, slept on the couch in our dining room that now smells like fish guts, vicks vapor rub, and Cheetos because he is an asthmatic fisherman who loves to eat, and he has taken over the room. So mother and I treadmilled while fater and Jen swam. Let's just talk about fathers in bathing suits really quick. It's quite traumatic when your dad has bigger boobs than you, but you have longer hair on your legs (I had a really busy week okay?)
Anyways, I realized the only awful thing about running today. Running makes me have to fart. And they aren't nice "2 seconds of stink" farts...o no...they are "linger til your eyes water" farts. They aren't a problem when I am solo, but there are usually people there. So I have developed a concept that I am trying to patent. It's called "The Art of Farting While on the Tread Mill." The first, and possibly most important, step is to find a tread mill beside someone who looks like they could be a stinky farter. That way everyone around you will think it's them. I chose the old man who sweats like a banshee. Secondly, make sure you remove your head phones or turn down your IPod when releasing the gas. Farting conspicuously is difficult when people can hear it...so make sure you don't RIP it when you can't hear whether it is loud. And thirdly, once the stinky fart has permeated the air, scrunch up your nose a little and kind of look around like you want to know who did it (just make sure you don't fall off the tread mill...I learned the hard way that this is the hardest step to master.) If you look like you want to know who did it, the little old woman on the stationary bike behind you will assume the stinky old man beside you is the one who made the weight room smell like a rotten pizza buffet in a nursing home bathroom. I believe I have mastered this skill, but now that I have revealed my secrets...I guess everyone knows I'm the stinky one...so if you work out at the YMCA and it's really stinky and I'm there...YES..IT WAS ME..woooh..now I feel so much better.
Well everyone...it's time for dinner...well almost...peanut butter and banana sandwich and a sweet potato..YUMMM
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
I thought I would change it up by blogging in the afternoon. I just spent three hours of my life swimming in the mess that is my room. And let me just tell you...after going through all my clothes, I am extremely surprised that I EVER had friends. We'll just say I found platform shoes, a "Mommy's Favorite Girl" shirt, and a belt that looked like it could have been seen as a prop on the Jerry Springer show I watched yesterday.
But this morning, mother, father, Jenny (the girl who knows why men have nipples), and I went to the YMCA for a morning workout. Brother, Eric, slept on the couch in our dining room that now smells like fish guts, vicks vapor rub, and Cheetos because he is an asthmatic fisherman who loves to eat, and he has taken over the room. So mother and I treadmilled while fater and Jen swam. Let's just talk about fathers in bathing suits really quick. It's quite traumatic when your dad has bigger boobs than you, but you have longer hair on your legs (I had a really busy week okay?)
Anyways, I realized the only awful thing about running today. Running makes me have to fart. And they aren't nice "2 seconds of stink" farts...o no...they are "linger til your eyes water" farts. They aren't a problem when I am solo, but there are usually people there. So I have developed a concept that I am trying to patent. It's called "The Art of Farting While on the Tread Mill." The first, and possibly most important, step is to find a tread mill beside someone who looks like they could be a stinky farter. That way everyone around you will think it's them. I chose the old man who sweats like a banshee. Secondly, make sure you remove your head phones or turn down your IPod when releasing the gas. Farting conspicuously is difficult when people can hear it...so make sure you don't RIP it when you can't hear whether it is loud. And thirdly, once the stinky fart has permeated the air, scrunch up your nose a little and kind of look around like you want to know who did it (just make sure you don't fall off the tread mill...I learned the hard way that this is the hardest step to master.) If you look like you want to know who did it, the little old woman on the stationary bike behind you will assume the stinky old man beside you is the one who made the weight room smell like a rotten pizza buffet in a nursing home bathroom. I believe I have mastered this skill, but now that I have revealed my secrets...I guess everyone knows I'm the stinky one...so if you work out at the YMCA and it's really stinky and I'm there...YES..IT WAS ME..woooh..now I feel so much better.
Well everyone...it's time for dinner...well almost...peanut butter and banana sandwich and a sweet potato..YUMMM
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Friday, May 7, 2010
On Average, There are 178 Sesame Seeds on Each Big Mac Bun
Hello Everyone (minus Oprah, the Pope, and Barack Obama for I am not worthy enough for them to read my blogs...yet),
Today is a glorious day! Why..you ask? Well my dear friends, I officially moved out of my dorm. EVERYTHING IS GONE..well minus the excessive amount of Honey Bunches of Oats crumbs I left all over the place (I really hope we don't get fined for them!). One may wonder why exactly is this 19 year old girl excited to leave solitude of her air conditioned dorm to be confined in a hot, old house with a 9 year old who swears up and down that she knows every piece of information ever able to be known (including why men have nipples). I'm excited because that means I'm done with school for the summer, so I actually have time to BLOG!! So here begins my promise...a blog a day (like Julie...you know from "Julie and Julia" except I won't be eating Chicken a la Turd and all those other disgusting French recipes.)
So here begins your daily dose of Emily for May 7th, 2010. I promise you will be amused if you promise to read :) Alright, so this morning I wake up...like most people do I guess...I really do promise I will amuse you. Anways, I had clothes from my dorm to Abraham (my car..for those of you who haven't read previous blogs); it was enough clothes to create one of those awesome giant parachutes that we used to use in gym class...as a matter of fact, I would probably walk around naked just to turn my clothes into one of those parachutes. So, I was sweating like my brother when he ties his shoes by the time I got to lunch. It was Colin and I's last lunch together for the year in Marbeck...I cried like a baby...NOT...I wasn't happy...I wasn't sad. Because I am just going to eat the same thing everyday at home...just like I ate the same thing everyday in Marbek. A hummus sandwich..an apple...golden grahams...and a cookie. I am a creature of habit.
My afternoon was ever so boring, so I decided to run. I run everyday so it wasn't really a decision. I get to the YMCA and head for the locker room so I can put my keys in locker #13 (steal Abraham...I dare you!) Once I am in the weight room, I do my 2:13 stretch/walk routine on the second treadmill, and then I set off for my five miles. I usually watch Oprah; no one makes you want to run five miles more than Oprah...well except for Dr. Phil ("This is gonna be a changing day in your life!") I forgot to turn it on Oprah before I started running, but I got something even better...JERRY SPRINGER. Can I just tell you how much fun it is to watch Jerry Springer in closed captioning...here is a sample of what some of the closed captioning looked like..."You [bleeping] dirty midget loving [bleep]. I hope your [bleeping] [bleep] falls off inside that [bleeping] [bleep]'s [bleep]." It was so great. It was like playing Mad Libs with midgets and chunky people. Anyways, my mom calls at about the 2 mile mark to tell me there are tornado watches (yes...I answer the phone while running.) The sky looked extremely wicked...I was kind of scared. The YMCA weightroom has like 9 windows right in front of the treadmills. It's both a blessing and a curse. It's wonderful to be able to watch birds feed their young and dandelions grow while running. But it is also very embarassing for everyone in the parking lot to be able to see me sweating my nonexistent balls off. But just as I hang up the phone, a tornado touched down about 100 yards from the windows. It grabbed a yoga mat out of an elderly woman's hand and threw it through the window to knock out the man on the treadmill beside me. Ok that didn't really happen, but wouldn't that have been awesome?!
O man! It felt so good to blog again! Here's to an amazing summer!
Keep Letting it Be,
Em
Today is a glorious day! Why..you ask? Well my dear friends, I officially moved out of my dorm. EVERYTHING IS GONE..well minus the excessive amount of Honey Bunches of Oats crumbs I left all over the place (I really hope we don't get fined for them!). One may wonder why exactly is this 19 year old girl excited to leave solitude of her air conditioned dorm to be confined in a hot, old house with a 9 year old who swears up and down that she knows every piece of information ever able to be known (including why men have nipples). I'm excited because that means I'm done with school for the summer, so I actually have time to BLOG!! So here begins my promise...a blog a day (like Julie...you know from "Julie and Julia" except I won't be eating Chicken a la Turd and all those other disgusting French recipes.)
So here begins your daily dose of Emily for May 7th, 2010. I promise you will be amused if you promise to read :) Alright, so this morning I wake up...like most people do I guess...I really do promise I will amuse you. Anways, I had clothes from my dorm to Abraham (my car..for those of you who haven't read previous blogs); it was enough clothes to create one of those awesome giant parachutes that we used to use in gym class...as a matter of fact, I would probably walk around naked just to turn my clothes into one of those parachutes. So, I was sweating like my brother when he ties his shoes by the time I got to lunch. It was Colin and I's last lunch together for the year in Marbeck...I cried like a baby...NOT...I wasn't happy...I wasn't sad. Because I am just going to eat the same thing everyday at home...just like I ate the same thing everyday in Marbek. A hummus sandwich..an apple...golden grahams...and a cookie. I am a creature of habit.
My afternoon was ever so boring, so I decided to run. I run everyday so it wasn't really a decision. I get to the YMCA and head for the locker room so I can put my keys in locker #13 (steal Abraham...I dare you!) Once I am in the weight room, I do my 2:13 stretch/walk routine on the second treadmill, and then I set off for my five miles. I usually watch Oprah; no one makes you want to run five miles more than Oprah...well except for Dr. Phil ("This is gonna be a changing day in your life!") I forgot to turn it on Oprah before I started running, but I got something even better...JERRY SPRINGER. Can I just tell you how much fun it is to watch Jerry Springer in closed captioning...here is a sample of what some of the closed captioning looked like..."You [bleeping] dirty midget loving [bleep]. I hope your [bleeping] [bleep] falls off inside that [bleeping] [bleep]'s [bleep]." It was so great. It was like playing Mad Libs with midgets and chunky people. Anyways, my mom calls at about the 2 mile mark to tell me there are tornado watches (yes...I answer the phone while running.) The sky looked extremely wicked...I was kind of scared. The YMCA weightroom has like 9 windows right in front of the treadmills. It's both a blessing and a curse. It's wonderful to be able to watch birds feed their young and dandelions grow while running. But it is also very embarassing for everyone in the parking lot to be able to see me sweating my nonexistent balls off. But just as I hang up the phone, a tornado touched down about 100 yards from the windows. It grabbed a yoga mat out of an elderly woman's hand and threw it through the window to knock out the man on the treadmill beside me. Ok that didn't really happen, but wouldn't that have been awesome?!
O man! It felt so good to blog again! Here's to an amazing summer!
Keep Letting it Be,
Em
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