Hello NON champions,
Today, I put my basketball shoes back on. It was liberating. Basketball and I have an odd relationship. We broke up around October, but I am still madly in love with it. However, it hurts me. It hurts my joints and my schedule...so we just can't make it work. BUT, I still get to do Gus Mackers sooooo we're kind of "friends with benefits" you could say.
Anyways...we played in a Gus Macker today. We being Kerri Imwalle, a friend from high school, Brenda, and Danielle (2 of Kerri's friends..I didn't know their names til the third game). For those of you who don't know what Gus Mackers are, I will give a brief explanation. They are basketball tournaments where all bets are off basically. No blood, no foul...unless you call it. Which when it comes to women, becomes the SCARIEST part of the tournament. Men are all like, "ME MAN. ME HAVE PRIDE. ME NO CALL FOULS!" Women are like, "I am a civilized individual and this girl just graced my nipple..FOUL!"
We played four games. The first game was against a bunch of fairly older women. I think half of them were going through menopause. Not because they looked old, but because they were CRANKY! O but we beat them...then they went back to the nursing home...KIDDING..I think they were just getting lunch. The next team turned the crankiness up 500. Think of your mom in the morning..now picture yourself dropping your whole box of Honey Bunches of Oats on the floor...now think of your mom coming down stairs into the kitchen just in time to see you sweeping all the cereal into the basement because you're too lazy to get the dust pan out...that's how cranky this team was. Not only were they cranky, but they were TATT TATT TATTED UP! I'm glad I made it out alive...and with a victory.
The third team was a breath of fresh air. They had school buses on their shirts...I think I missed the joke. This game was AMAZING because it was POURING down rain. As a matter of fact, I was knocked into a giant puddle at one point, and I began to yell, "BEACHED WHALE! BEACHED WHALE!" And did I mention...these girls were sophomores in high school? No one signed up for their age bracket...so they got the priveledge of being spanked by our awesomeness.
The only fun thing about the last team...we beat them. They were tattooless...normal looking...no anger management issues..they all had hair long enough for ponytails...and they were our age...BORING. But we won..OOO..and we got the sportsmanship award. I think that was because I didn't punch the 45 year old woman in the face after she ripped off 3/4 of the skin on my right arm.
At Subway the other day, a man asked for a breakfast sub. I responded, "Would you like me to put egg white or egg whole on it?" He heard, "Would you like egg whites or my 'A' hole on it?" Even though he asked...my 'A' whole was not put on his sub.
O..and at the Dollar Tree yesterday...I was asked if I was a boy or a girl by a NOT CUTE child...I'm a girl...in case you guys were confused.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
"He will probably die a lonely man" THE Jenny Shellabarger
O hey guys!
Soooo today was absolutely splendid. First of all, I need to tell you that Moccasin (my fish) is currently doing the electric slide in his tank. I'm not joking...I think he is hungry. Anyways, I didn't work today which is much more depressing than it sounds. You see, I have found my place in this world. Subway, yes Subway, is my place in this world. I am surrounded by vegetables (and some meat..BLAHHH can't have everything) and cookies. I can talk to myself as a please, and I get to make children both happy and healthy (well except for the little girl who wants a footlong white bread with marinara and mayo..God Bless America).
We went to grandma's today. Grandma is my hero. We made her supper, and I went grocery shopping for her. Aside from her chronic pain and her bladder that is as unreliable as my dad's car (the trunk is held shut by a bungee cord..the car's trunk, not grandma's...grandma's is held shut with an adult diaper), she makes me want to get old. Why do you ask? Well, one look at her shopping list will tell us. Here it is folks, word for word:
1) 2 Plums
2) All Beef Hotdogs (MUST BE ALL BEEF)
3) Cookies
4) Gravy (the microwave kind from Bob Evans)
QUICK SIDENOTE: SWINGERS ON TLC...WAAAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!
5) Red Baron Single Slice Pizza
6) Cookies
7) Trashbags
8) Potato Skin Chips
That, my friends, will last her for a week. And yes, we did buy 2 boxes of cookies (1 oreo 1 Pecan Shortbread). Do you see any vegetables (2 plums..all week!), any bread, and ANY NUTRITIOUS FOOD AT ALL?!?! This is the woman who also has 36 Milky Ways in her fridge...hello menopause..I'm ready when you are!
When we returned, my sister had her rollerblades on. Grandma had given her the beautiful suggestion that we should let her hold a string and be pulled by her $1000 Hover Round that had never been used. I jumped at the oppurtunity. Picture this..I am sitting in a Hover Round (which is obviously set at the fastest setting) pulling my sister who is holding on to a piece of yellow yarn tied to the chair. She was having a blast and giggling like a toddler with a kitten............until I decided to off-road. I not only drove the Hover Round through grandma's backyard, but I decided to drive it through the alley as well (the alley that is full of stones...the kryptonite to roller blades).
Grandma knew she was going to have to pee in like a half hour, so we decided it was time to start heading in (we were in her driveway). While grandma was relieving herself, Eric, Jenny, and I decided to gang up on dad. It started with Eric pulling dad's arm hairs (one of my favorite past times). Then, I performed Nipple Annhilation (a titty twister from hell). Dad, however, countered that with a painful snake bite (don't call children's services..he's not that strong), and while he was distracted, Eric went for the grand finale. AN ATOMIC WEDGIE. Just to add insult to injury, I gave dad a Wet Willy while he was trying to make his bum and underwear 2 seperate items again. All the while, grandma was yelling at us to "quick pickin on your dad. he's a nice man." Thanks grandma.....but you take a snake bit from him and tell me how you feel!
I decided I wanted to go to clown school today. It's a 30 week course and costs $1500, so I am going to have to make a decision...Grad school..or clown school...opinions would be appreciated. However, I was trying to find my clown niche today, and I discovered one of the most exciting things to do. It was more fun than jump roping on a rainbow (I've done it). I decided that maybe I should juggle cotton balls as a clown...really..I was taking a poo on the toilet and was curious if I could juggle cotton balls...cotton balls are kind of light though, so I got it wet to see it that would make it easier. Instead of juggling them, I decided to chuck them at the shower wall. OMGshness....Go to your bathroom right now and throw wet cotton balls at the shower wall. You can thank me later.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Soooo today was absolutely splendid. First of all, I need to tell you that Moccasin (my fish) is currently doing the electric slide in his tank. I'm not joking...I think he is hungry. Anyways, I didn't work today which is much more depressing than it sounds. You see, I have found my place in this world. Subway, yes Subway, is my place in this world. I am surrounded by vegetables (and some meat..BLAHHH can't have everything) and cookies. I can talk to myself as a please, and I get to make children both happy and healthy (well except for the little girl who wants a footlong white bread with marinara and mayo..God Bless America).
We went to grandma's today. Grandma is my hero. We made her supper, and I went grocery shopping for her. Aside from her chronic pain and her bladder that is as unreliable as my dad's car (the trunk is held shut by a bungee cord..the car's trunk, not grandma's...grandma's is held shut with an adult diaper), she makes me want to get old. Why do you ask? Well, one look at her shopping list will tell us. Here it is folks, word for word:
1) 2 Plums
2) All Beef Hotdogs (MUST BE ALL BEEF)
3) Cookies
4) Gravy (the microwave kind from Bob Evans)
QUICK SIDENOTE: SWINGERS ON TLC...WAAAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!
5) Red Baron Single Slice Pizza
6) Cookies
7) Trashbags
8) Potato Skin Chips
That, my friends, will last her for a week. And yes, we did buy 2 boxes of cookies (1 oreo 1 Pecan Shortbread). Do you see any vegetables (2 plums..all week!), any bread, and ANY NUTRITIOUS FOOD AT ALL?!?! This is the woman who also has 36 Milky Ways in her fridge...hello menopause..I'm ready when you are!
When we returned, my sister had her rollerblades on. Grandma had given her the beautiful suggestion that we should let her hold a string and be pulled by her $1000 Hover Round that had never been used. I jumped at the oppurtunity. Picture this..I am sitting in a Hover Round (which is obviously set at the fastest setting) pulling my sister who is holding on to a piece of yellow yarn tied to the chair. She was having a blast and giggling like a toddler with a kitten............until I decided to off-road. I not only drove the Hover Round through grandma's backyard, but I decided to drive it through the alley as well (the alley that is full of stones...the kryptonite to roller blades).
Grandma knew she was going to have to pee in like a half hour, so we decided it was time to start heading in (we were in her driveway). While grandma was relieving herself, Eric, Jenny, and I decided to gang up on dad. It started with Eric pulling dad's arm hairs (one of my favorite past times). Then, I performed Nipple Annhilation (a titty twister from hell). Dad, however, countered that with a painful snake bite (don't call children's services..he's not that strong), and while he was distracted, Eric went for the grand finale. AN ATOMIC WEDGIE. Just to add insult to injury, I gave dad a Wet Willy while he was trying to make his bum and underwear 2 seperate items again. All the while, grandma was yelling at us to "quick pickin on your dad. he's a nice man." Thanks grandma.....but you take a snake bit from him and tell me how you feel!
I decided I wanted to go to clown school today. It's a 30 week course and costs $1500, so I am going to have to make a decision...Grad school..or clown school...opinions would be appreciated. However, I was trying to find my clown niche today, and I discovered one of the most exciting things to do. It was more fun than jump roping on a rainbow (I've done it). I decided that maybe I should juggle cotton balls as a clown...really..I was taking a poo on the toilet and was curious if I could juggle cotton balls...cotton balls are kind of light though, so I got it wet to see it that would make it easier. Instead of juggling them, I decided to chuck them at the shower wall. OMGshness....Go to your bathroom right now and throw wet cotton balls at the shower wall. You can thank me later.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Life's About Finishing A Box of Jujyfruits at 11:30 PM
hi, o hey, wassup, HOLLA,
What are you doing here? I'm just reading a blog; what are YOU doing here? I'm writing a blog; no one asked you to come. Why wasn't I invited?
Gosh, I wish I was schizophrenic. Now before you go thinking, "That's horrible! Some people are actually schizophrenic and would love to be like you," let me finish. I wish I was schizophrenic for your sake. You see, I feel like when Emily was getting annoying...Tina and Marge (the other 2 personalities) would make sure she knew. Therefore, you would have all the entertainment of Emily minus the excessive elements that get annoying. Perfect right? Now does anyone know where I can get schizophrenia?
Anyways, in terms of real life, today was SLOOOOOWWWWW, slow like Queen Latifah on a moped. I woke up at 7:30 because I have "I can't sleep past 8 syndrome." I ate 1 cup of Honey Bunches of Oats (I have a complex), and I checked all the important sites (facebook, aol, my email, shirt.woot.com, and teefury). Once I realized no one was engaged (facebook), Lindsay Lohan made it through her strip search in jail (aol), Coldstone has 3 new summer flavors (my email), and I won't be getting a new shirt in 2 weeks (shirt.woot and teefury), I realized there is no purpose whatsoever to being awake. So, I cheated my syndrome and WENT BACK TO BED at 8:30. I dreamt i was on a soccer team with Colin and Kelly Ripa (Regis and Kelly was on TV when I woke up) and drooled all over my pillow....I either have a crush on Colin or Kelly Ripa (or maybe both).
In the afternoon, I got a Pecan Pie Blizzard. If angels can poop, I'm sure they poop out Pecan Pie Blizzards. If angels can't poop, I feel really sorry for them because a good poop can really make your day. Anyways, this blizzard was vanilla ice cream mixed with caramel sauce. That, my friends, is perfection in itself. The Dairy Queen employer (who should be knighted because this was so delicious) then puts pecans and little pieces of graham cracker crust into the frozen mass of caramel delight. So I ate this blizzard, then sat in my huge pile of guilt on the way home..HELLO FUPA...here I come!!
Colin and I went to a Locos game tonight. Lima, Ohio, is such a beautiful place. I saw a man wearing a baseball helmet (he was 65 and NOT on the team), a very boisterous man with a very fluffy beard and a bucket o' beer, and a woman who claimed to be selling $0.50 ice cream from her van that continuously played the "OOMPA LOOMPA" song. God Bless America.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
What are you doing here? I'm just reading a blog; what are YOU doing here? I'm writing a blog; no one asked you to come. Why wasn't I invited?
Gosh, I wish I was schizophrenic. Now before you go thinking, "That's horrible! Some people are actually schizophrenic and would love to be like you," let me finish. I wish I was schizophrenic for your sake. You see, I feel like when Emily was getting annoying...Tina and Marge (the other 2 personalities) would make sure she knew. Therefore, you would have all the entertainment of Emily minus the excessive elements that get annoying. Perfect right? Now does anyone know where I can get schizophrenia?
Anyways, in terms of real life, today was SLOOOOOWWWWW, slow like Queen Latifah on a moped. I woke up at 7:30 because I have "I can't sleep past 8 syndrome." I ate 1 cup of Honey Bunches of Oats (I have a complex), and I checked all the important sites (facebook, aol, my email, shirt.woot.com, and teefury). Once I realized no one was engaged (facebook), Lindsay Lohan made it through her strip search in jail (aol), Coldstone has 3 new summer flavors (my email), and I won't be getting a new shirt in 2 weeks (shirt.woot and teefury), I realized there is no purpose whatsoever to being awake. So, I cheated my syndrome and WENT BACK TO BED at 8:30. I dreamt i was on a soccer team with Colin and Kelly Ripa (Regis and Kelly was on TV when I woke up) and drooled all over my pillow....I either have a crush on Colin or Kelly Ripa (or maybe both).
In the afternoon, I got a Pecan Pie Blizzard. If angels can poop, I'm sure they poop out Pecan Pie Blizzards. If angels can't poop, I feel really sorry for them because a good poop can really make your day. Anyways, this blizzard was vanilla ice cream mixed with caramel sauce. That, my friends, is perfection in itself. The Dairy Queen employer (who should be knighted because this was so delicious) then puts pecans and little pieces of graham cracker crust into the frozen mass of caramel delight. So I ate this blizzard, then sat in my huge pile of guilt on the way home..HELLO FUPA...here I come!!
Colin and I went to a Locos game tonight. Lima, Ohio, is such a beautiful place. I saw a man wearing a baseball helmet (he was 65 and NOT on the team), a very boisterous man with a very fluffy beard and a bucket o' beer, and a woman who claimed to be selling $0.50 ice cream from her van that continuously played the "OOMPA LOOMPA" song. God Bless America.
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
"I love these things."
Mammals who are capable of reading,
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!!! I'm blogging. You know what? I can't keep a bloody promise to save my life, so NO MORE PROMISES!
Anyways, I have been exceptionally busy this summer. I love me some sub making, so that really takes up the majority of my time. The good news for you..sub making creates quite entertaining stories. I have come to be what you may call "A Sub Master." This means I construct subs of excellence and beauty. However, like Tiger Woods and BP, I mess up occassionally. The good news is...people can only find out about my screw ups through my blog instead of Good Morning America and The New York Times.
Yesterday, Sarah and I were painfully busy...like busier than the showers in the ladies locker room at the Y after water aerobics. Therefore, we ran out of white bread. We had also been out of the new italian sausage for a few days because it was such a hot seller. A man came in and wanted italian bread. After we crushed his spirits by telling him we were out of his "normal bread," he asked for the italian sausage. "EXCUSE ME SIR..could you be more difficult?!?!" I thought he was going to shed a few tears, but he finally decided upon tuna......about that...Sarah says, "Emily, can you get me some tuna?" "Sure Sarah, I'll just grab it out of the...." TINA TURNER! There is none prepared in the cooler.
HAVE NO FEAR..EMILY THE SUB MASTER IS HERE...I decide this is my moment to shine. I dive into the cooler and grab the tuna pouch. I then proceed to frantically cover it in mayo, glove my hands, and delve my fingers into the gooey mass. In my intense tuna mixing, I seemed to cover the wall, the table, my face, the pens, my apron, and even the calculator in tuna. The kitchen looked like someone threw the Little Mermaid and a bunch of mayo into a blender without a lid. As sweat dripped from my brow and I grabbed a small container to rush the tuna of excellence to the front, I hear Sarah wrapping the sub......."O..sorry Emily...I made the tuna we had in the front work when I heard you grabbing all the stuff to make it." "That's fine Sarah, but you can come to my house tonight and wash the tuna from my hair and sports bra."
I do love my Subway though, and I have started to develop "The Subway/English Dictionary," which translates customer requests into real English..here are a few I have so far:
-"Brown Bread": Wheat Bread
-"Spicy Hot Cheese": Pepperjack cheese
-"9 Grain White Cheese Bread": I have never been to Subway before so I won't even notice what kind of bread you give me
-"Red Sauce": Marinara sauce (NOT HOT SAUCE..they will come back in 10 minutes later with a sub with 1 bite taken out of it to remind you of this)
-"Purple Pepper": Red Onions and Peppers
-"Dem Peppers that aint gonna make my eyes water": Banana peppers
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!!! I'm blogging. You know what? I can't keep a bloody promise to save my life, so NO MORE PROMISES!
Anyways, I have been exceptionally busy this summer. I love me some sub making, so that really takes up the majority of my time. The good news for you..sub making creates quite entertaining stories. I have come to be what you may call "A Sub Master." This means I construct subs of excellence and beauty. However, like Tiger Woods and BP, I mess up occassionally. The good news is...people can only find out about my screw ups through my blog instead of Good Morning America and The New York Times.
Yesterday, Sarah and I were painfully busy...like busier than the showers in the ladies locker room at the Y after water aerobics. Therefore, we ran out of white bread. We had also been out of the new italian sausage for a few days because it was such a hot seller. A man came in and wanted italian bread. After we crushed his spirits by telling him we were out of his "normal bread," he asked for the italian sausage. "EXCUSE ME SIR..could you be more difficult?!?!" I thought he was going to shed a few tears, but he finally decided upon tuna......about that...Sarah says, "Emily, can you get me some tuna?" "Sure Sarah, I'll just grab it out of the...." TINA TURNER! There is none prepared in the cooler.
HAVE NO FEAR..EMILY THE SUB MASTER IS HERE...I decide this is my moment to shine. I dive into the cooler and grab the tuna pouch. I then proceed to frantically cover it in mayo, glove my hands, and delve my fingers into the gooey mass. In my intense tuna mixing, I seemed to cover the wall, the table, my face, the pens, my apron, and even the calculator in tuna. The kitchen looked like someone threw the Little Mermaid and a bunch of mayo into a blender without a lid. As sweat dripped from my brow and I grabbed a small container to rush the tuna of excellence to the front, I hear Sarah wrapping the sub......."O..sorry Emily...I made the tuna we had in the front work when I heard you grabbing all the stuff to make it." "That's fine Sarah, but you can come to my house tonight and wash the tuna from my hair and sports bra."
I do love my Subway though, and I have started to develop "The Subway/English Dictionary," which translates customer requests into real English..here are a few I have so far:
-"Brown Bread": Wheat Bread
-"Spicy Hot Cheese": Pepperjack cheese
-"9 Grain White Cheese Bread": I have never been to Subway before so I won't even notice what kind of bread you give me
-"Red Sauce": Marinara sauce (NOT HOT SAUCE..they will come back in 10 minutes later with a sub with 1 bite taken out of it to remind you of this)
-"Purple Pepper": Red Onions and Peppers
-"Dem Peppers that aint gonna make my eyes water": Banana peppers
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
Sunday, July 4, 2010
My Middle Name is "WORSTBLOGGEREVER"
Hello,
I suck. If sucking were a sport, I would have the gold medal at the Olympics. If sucking were legs, I would get a lot of funny looks because I would have like 304982039483 legs. I suck because I didn't blog for a gazillion years. I can't make excuses; I have just been so busy and tired. But I'm back, and I'M SO SORRY FOR SUCKING!
Anyways, I have some very interesting events coming in my life. Well, possible events. You see I emailed a woman approximately like 2 months ago about doing an open mic night at a comedy club. Well, I am apparently lower than clipping your toenails on her list of priorities because she just got back to me yesterday. She said I could come on Sunday July 25th, but I needed at least five guests. HMMM? I REALLY want to do it because I want to hold myself accountable to my goals and "dreams"..BAH! dreams! laugh...everyone always laughs at other peoples' dreams. I don't know..maybe I'll try. I'll keep you updated..unless I fail...then I will pretend like it never happened and join the convent and move to Indonesia and make lanyards for people who don't even have anything to put on them..it's a win win situation.
More exciting events...my giant cousin is getting married this weekend. And when I say giant, it's not a lie. He is six ten...as in if you took two Gary Coleman's and stacked two infants on top of them...they would be up to AJ's nipples! Anyways..he is marrying a beautiful, wonderful woman, and I am so very happy for them for two reasons 1) she is tall too...there is NOTHING more annoying than short women who steal tall men! There should be a law that you can only be 3 inches shorter than your date/husband/significant other..MAX...so us tall women don't have to go to prom with men who are 5'6''..you were a great date though ED!! and 2)Because of their marriage, I get to stay the night in a hotel room with my nine year old sister and eighty nine year old grandma. Yep, we're getting drunk....KIDDING!!! I just hope neither wets the bed.
STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
I suck. If sucking were a sport, I would have the gold medal at the Olympics. If sucking were legs, I would get a lot of funny looks because I would have like 304982039483 legs. I suck because I didn't blog for a gazillion years. I can't make excuses; I have just been so busy and tired. But I'm back, and I'M SO SORRY FOR SUCKING!
Anyways, I have some very interesting events coming in my life. Well, possible events. You see I emailed a woman approximately like 2 months ago about doing an open mic night at a comedy club. Well, I am apparently lower than clipping your toenails on her list of priorities because she just got back to me yesterday. She said I could come on Sunday July 25th, but I needed at least five guests. HMMM? I REALLY want to do it because I want to hold myself accountable to my goals and "dreams"..BAH! dreams! laugh...everyone always laughs at other peoples' dreams. I don't know..maybe I'll try. I'll keep you updated..unless I fail...then I will pretend like it never happened and join the convent and move to Indonesia and make lanyards for people who don't even have anything to put on them..it's a win win situation.
More exciting events...my giant cousin is getting married this weekend. And when I say giant, it's not a lie. He is six ten...as in if you took two Gary Coleman's and stacked two infants on top of them...they would be up to AJ's nipples! Anyways..he is marrying a beautiful, wonderful woman, and I am so very happy for them for two reasons 1) she is tall too...there is NOTHING more annoying than short women who steal tall men! There should be a law that you can only be 3 inches shorter than your date/husband/significant other..MAX...so us tall women don't have to go to prom with men who are 5'6''..you were a great date though ED!! and 2)Because of their marriage, I get to stay the night in a hotel room with my nine year old sister and eighty nine year old grandma. Yep, we're getting drunk....KIDDING!!! I just hope neither wets the bed.
STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER!
Keep Letting It Be,
Em
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